My name is John Francais Callahan. I’m a member of three of the four secret societies that have already determined who the next five US presidents will be. As part of my lesser accomplishments, I am maintaining an advice column here on Circus Killer News to teach weak men like you the secrets of success.
Last week I began to discuss how to eat successfully, but only got as far as step one: ordering. Right now I will continue with the next step in the successful eating process.
2. Conversation. This will likely its own chapter in the “How to Succeed” series so I will not be too detailed with this step. Rather, I will mostly go over which conversational topics are common with certain meals, and which topics you should avoid.
Of the 23 meals every man should eat in a week (breakfast, lunch and dinner every day of the week plus Sunday Brunch and Wednesday Power Brunch), no less than 15 of those meals should be reserved for making business deals. Men have made deals over food since ancient nomadic cavemen traded their rocks, wives and other possessions for larger portions of dinosaur meat. It is in these instances that conversations over food, much like any business deal, are lingual battles of dominance and power the intensity of which rivals that of World War II.
For non-business meals, your conversations should still be lingual battles of dominance and power because that is what all conversations are, only the intensity in these cases can rival one of those lesser wars like Korea or the one against drugs. Make sure everyone in your party knows that you are the head of the table and the conversational leader by frequently interrupting people, changing the subject to an opinion you can defend, and making toasts to congratulate people in a move of ownership and emasculation. All of these things will keep the ball in your court, or rather your field if you happen to be white.
There is a finite amount of approved conversational topics for all three meals throughout the day. Death is a good subject to discuss over breakfast, for example, because reminding yourself and those around you about the fate of the weak is a way to both respectfully commemorate and justifiably condemn the fodder upon which your greatness is built. In fact, “break” is derived from the Latin word “barack” which means “the lesser ones.”
Lunch is generally reserved for more upbeat conversations, such as how well you performed in last weekend’s yacht race or the death of the middle class. Lunch is also a good time to deliver joyous news to be celebrated over dinner, such as announcing your daughter’s arranged engagement to the prominent son of a politician who’s on your payroll or your recent acquisition of the skeleton of the first horse in space.
Lastly there’s dinner, the most important meal of the day. Part of its importance is that any flirtatious activities that occur during supper are 86% more effective due primarily to the way that candles remind women of penises. There should always be women present at dinner, and ideally one woman for every two men because sex only counts when you have taken the woman of an inferior man. With her you should discuss money, cleaning products, Theodore Roosevelt, really anything that will get her in the mood. If she isn’t at least thinking about doing hand stuff to you by the time your entrée of steak and hers of lettuce and ice cubes have arrived, you’ve probably done something wrong.
That’s all for this week. I will continue my converage of successful eating next Friday. Until then, be better than what you are now.
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