Your weekly horoscope for February 15th, 2016.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Lately it feels like you’ve fallen into a rut. This is probably because you are the reincarnation of a World War I soldier who died in the trenches.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Learning to love yourself can be the most difficult thing in the world. Unless you’re attractive or male or was born into money, then it’s pretty easy.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Yes, time heals all wounds. But that cut really looks infected so maybe try a hospital.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Mars passes through your constellation starting this week, so expect to transform into a lifeless red planet. That’s how this astrology stuff works, trust me. I’m an expert.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): It feels as though everything you do drives people away. If this really bugs you then maybe stop working for Uber.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): You may be feeling like your coworkers have lost respect for you, however this is not true. They never had any.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Bravery means having the strength to keep moving, the wisdom to let go, and a motorcycle but no helmet.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You will have a test of faith this week when God appears to you in a dream and tells you He’s not real.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Don’t feel bad that no one is supporting your budding comedy career. It’s only because you’re not very good.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): If you don’t deal with your problems now then they’ll come back to haunt you forever. That’s not your horoscope, that’s just something I learned from this horror movie I saw where this guy cheated on his wife who then died and then she came back and started totally fucking his shit up, it was insane.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): There will be an explosion in your love life, which is really bad news if you’re happily married to someone who defuses bombs for a living.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): No, there shouldn’t be a White History Month.
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
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