Boston Declares State of Emergency as City Runs out of Booze on St. Patrick’s Day

The city of Boston ran out of alcohol just hours ago on St. Patrick’s Day morning leaving tens of thousands of celebrators furious and sober. Riots have broken out all across the city as Bostonians raid stores and homes in search of alcohol, pots of gold and resolution with their distant fathers.

“In truth the violence isn’t the real problem,” said mayor Dalton Dunley. “We usually see this sort of violence every year and in fact the number of deaths and injuries are usually way higher at this point due to alcohol poisoning. My main concern right now is that those numbers will drastically increase later in the day because of withdrawal. That’s why we’re in a state of emergency.”

President Obama has reportedly ordered FEMA to fly in hundreds of gallons of booze into the city but early estimates don’t think this will be enough.

“We wanna get trucks bringin’ it in,” said Mayor Dunley, “but most of the roads are still closed from all the snow. We tried boats, too, but that whole system’s down for now.”

Ordinarily the immense amount of alcohol that is consumed on St. Patrick’s Day is brought into Boston Harbor via cargo ships, however a group of drunk Bostonians snuck onto a few of these ships early this morning and dumped a lot of the booze into the harbor as an act of protest. Most of them were caught and jailed.

“Yeah we were protesting,” said Dennis McLeary, one of the harbor dumpers. “Joe was protesting that I couldn’t lift a whole barrel of booze, and I was protesting that I could. So we all snuck on and I totally did.”

“Dennis and his friends will be prosecuted when this crisis is over,” said Mayor Dunley. “Until then we will do everything to bring alcohol to the fine people of this city, even if it kills them.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Relatives Warded Off by News of “Dry Thanksgiving”

Over half a dozen relatives from the Elkins family changed their Thanksgiving plans when Loraine Elkins, host of this year’s Thanksgiving dinner, announced in a mass email last Friday that there would be no alcohol allowed during the holiday.  The news came as a shock to the rest of the Elkins family since drinking has been described as the family’s pastime.

Donald Elkins, Loraine’s brother-in-law, was upset by the new mandate.  “I don’t know who she thinks she is,” said Donald, “but everyone agrees with me that it’s unacceptable.  Samuel Adams himself used beer to help the Pilgrims bond with the Indians, that’s a fact.  She’s declared a war on Thanksgiving.”

Other family members remain confused about the email, including Loraine’s own husband Rick Elkins.  “I don’t get what’s such a big deal about alcohol,” Rick told us, slurring his words and waving around a pitcher of Jack Daniels at 9:45 in the morning.  “It’s a disgrace to Thanksgiving, it’s a disgrace to America, and also I can’t get it up anymore.”

Also offended was Loraine’s father-in-law, Jed Elkins, who received the email in his hospital room where he was being treated for cirrhosis of the liver.  “This is how it starts,” said Elkins.  “First they take away your booze, then they take away your sports, and before you know it she’s taking your kids.  If ever there was a time to flee, it’s now.”

Loraine Elkins has yet to follow up on her original email, but it seems likely that she will be spending this Thanksgiving alone.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.