Connecticut native Sherman Wabash was admitted into an emergency room late last night after having his arm severed. Wabash gained consciousness this morning to report that he had maimed himself in an effort to elude some Christmas carolers that had been harassing him.
According to Wabash, the carolers gathered on the distraught man’s front lawn yesterday evening and began inundating his home with festive music. Fueled by frustration, eggnog and the stress of a particularly difficult Monday, Wabash made the decision to open his front door and yell at the carolers. As he crossed his house, however, Wabash tripped and fell on the ground, knocking a bookcase over in the process. The bookcase crushed his arm, pinning him to the ground.
Wabash yelled at the carolers for help but none could hear him over the yuletide cheer. Everyone knows, of course, that according to caroler dogma, once gathering on a lawn and beginning to sing, no caroler can cease singing under penalty of death. Wabash was therefore forced to listen to the music for “what felt like days,” according to the now crippled corporate consultant.
After 127 minutes, Wabash made the decision to use a quarter to saw through his upper arm so he could stand and chase the carolers off of his property. He performed the gruesome task and stumbled out of his front door only to pass out in a nearby snow bank. Fortunately the cold preserved his injury and surgeons were able to attach a cup holder in its place.
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