Science

Revolutionary Weight Loss Pill Transfers Unwanted Fat To Someone Else

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Lipodexx, a new, highly advanced weight loss drug, became available in pharmacies all across the country this week with its revolutionary procedure of transferring body fat to other people.

Mercudyne, the pharmaceutical company that manufactures Lipodexx, has not released any information on how the drug works. Some speculate it’s through a breakthrough quantum technology, while others believe magic is at work.

Results vary for each person depending on their height, weight, and sexual orientation. For every pound that someone on the drug loses, a different person somewhere else in the world gains. The person who gains the weight has no connection to the person who loses it.

“It’s completely random,” said Mercudyne spokesperson Gary Charzard. “Someone will take Lipodexx and lose thirty pounds in a week, and then someone in a completely different part of the world will wake up an extra thirty pounds heavier.”

Many Americans applaud the new drug for being exactly what they’re looking for – it doesn’t solve their problem, but it does push it onto someone else.

“I’ve tried everything to lose weight,” says Millicent Torruso, a lifelong overweight person. “I’ve tried exercising, I’ve tried surgery, I’ve tried Satanism, I’ve tried a weight loss cult that required me to swallow magnets and rub crystals all over my body, but nothing worked. I don’t know what happens to the fat, and I don’t care.”

Mercudyne has developed a number of other experimental drugs, including a birth control pill that also makes your sexual partner infertile, a painkiller that erases traumatic memories, and a cough syrup that makes your voice hilariously high pitched. Lipodexx, however, is the first drug of theirs to hit the market.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
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Scientists Discover Untapped Syrup Deposit Beneath Bottom Pancake

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A team of geologists made an unexpected discovery today when a large deposit of syrup that has remained completely untouched by human hands was found beneath the bottom pancake in a full stack at IHOP. The discovery was made by a group of USGS scientists.

“We decided to have an early lunch at IHOP,” said geologist Jill Pranesh, “mostly because a recent executive order prevents us from doing any actual work besides locating land for a Trump Monument. None of us were expecting this discovery.”

The scientists admit that they had speculated something liquid was beneath that bottom pancake, however there was no way to know conclusively that that liquid was syrup until a drill team finally cut into it.

A bidding war has already commenced among several parties who want to cut through the pancake entirely and begin using the syrup for consumption since different people have laid claim to the deposit.

“Amanda paid for this stack,” said Pranesh, “however she was only covering for Mike who left his wallet at the office. It’s difficult to say whose property the pancake is, so it’s difficult to say who gets the syrup beneath.”

The discovery has sparked new hope in the USGS scientists who say they will concentrate their efforts on searching for more unknown syrup deposits beneath other pancakes on surrounding tables.

Some controversy erupted, however, when one of the scientists suggested fracking as a means of extracting the syrup more efficiently. This would be done by injecting a mixture of pressurized water and chemicals into the pancake with hopes that the syrup will move closer to the surface.

“Studies have shown conclusively that fracking can cause serious damage to the pancake, making it inedible,” said Pranesh. “In reality, the best thing we can do is to leave the syrup where it is and look for cleaner, non-sugary substitutes to syrup that won’t cause long-term destruction to our bodies.”

 

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Scientists Admit Gravity A Hoax

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The scientific community was rocked earlier today when an international panel of physicists convened to announce to the world that the theory of gravity is in fact a hoax.

“It’s made up,” said spokeswoman Grabiella Lutiz. “There is nothing real at all about the theory of gravity. It has all been an elaborate conspiracy orchestrated by scientists across the world, which is indeed flat, by the way.”

Gravity has long since been the subject of skepticism from predominantly religious communities, however the theory came under recent attack when it was discovered that Donald Trump, President-elect of the United States and Time Magazine’s “Most Trusted Rich Guy” of 2017, tweeted several years ago that he believed gravity to be a Chinese hoax.

“Gravity was not a brainchild of the Chinese government solely,” said Lutiz, “but is in fact a ruse created and perpetrated by the vast majority of the world’s scientists independent of any government or agency.”

Lutiz went on to describe how Sir Isaac Newton never really existed and that accounts of his life were based on the ancient Polynesian myth of a young man who becomes the smartest person in his village after a coconut falls on his head. All records of Newton’s life were fabricated along with the volumes of evidence and data that have been gathered to support the theory of gravity over the last few centuries.

“Yes, things on this planet fall downwards,” said Lutiz, “And yes, the more mass an object has the greater its pull on other objects. And yes, our fake little theory of gravity would explain exactly how and why these things happen and can also be used to project accurate models of the movements of celestial bodes in the future. But the truth is there is no real scientific evidence to show that if I were to drop this pen it would fall to the ground. And the fact that our models and projections of the future come true every single time is purely a coincidence.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
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Mom Can’t Work the TV

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Reports are coming in that area mother Susan Fink still does not know how to work the television set that has been in her family’s living room for over a decade. Susan’s family is getting pretty tired of having to teach the stay-at-home mom which buttons on the remote do certain things.

“She doesn’t understand that the cable and the television both have to be on,” says Susan’s son Jared. “It’s not a complicated process. There’s one button that turns on the whole system and she frequently forgets to use it.”

“Every time she wants to watch something, one of us has to stop what we’re doing and help,” says Susan’s daughter Amanda. “She’ll call me on the phone to ask what channel the Food Network is on. The guide is literally on the table next to her! She only watches that and the home improvement channel, how hard is it to memorize two numbers?”

Scientists and researchers have gathered to try and figure out why Susan has so much trouble with only this one household appliance and no others, but at this point most can only speculate.

“It could be some sort of internal brain damage,” said neurologist Dr. Dean Camper, an expert in abnormal brain functions. “I had a patient once who completely forgot about the letter ‘k,’ he would simply spea without it when he taled. Or another patient I had who was unable to recall anything from before he was born. We might be dealing with something similar to those cases.”

Susan herself was unavailable to comment, but she was available to follow this blog and reblog this post.

 

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Large Hadron Collider Still Unable to Find Billions it Would Need to Make a Profit

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Disappointment came after another unsuccessful week of searching for the billions of dollars it would take to turn a profit for CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, the biggest and most expensive particle accelerator ever constructed. The massive machine was built to search for theoretical particles that might help to explain the origin of the universe, as well as maybe some extra cash on the side to help put a dent in the massive bill it creates.

“The LHC cost about 6.4 billion US dollars for the initial construction,” said CERN spokesperson Valda Palkovski. “It costs about 1 billion dollars every year just to keep it running. Though it has produced some groundbreaking results, it’s still a shock to everyone at CERN that we haven’t found a single shred of monetary value.”

The LHC became fully operational in November of 2009 and since then has discovered things that only smart people understand, however there’s growing concern that something as valueless to Europe and the world as one US dollar has yet to be found in the miles-long research facility. To compensate, plans have been drafted to install small metal detectors to locate any change that the universe might have left leaving around.

“We’re still hopeful that some profit might come out of this project,” continued Palkovski. “It’s conceivable that if we power it up enough, we could tear the walls of our universe open and generate a passage to a parallel Earth that the US government could invade and plunder for oil, gold and other valuable objects. Until that day comes, we will continue trying.”

 

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Veteran Smokers Amused by Nonsmoker’s First Attempts

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Veteran smokers are greatly amused by watching nonsmokers try to smoke for the first time, according to a new study.

The study, which was performed over the course of four years at the University of Texas, put groups of smokers in isolated rooms with one or two nonsmokers and studied the smokers’ reactions shortly after introducing the habit to the nonsmokers. In every case, the nonsmokers hacked and coughed when trying cigarettes for the first time, causing the veteran smokers to cackle like hyenas and in some cases make petty insults. Shortly into the experiments, a hypothesis was made.

“It seemed that, in the mind of a smoker, there was nothing more amusing than watching an amateur poorly accomplish a task that they’ve never attempted before,” said lead researcher Dr. Sarah Reymond. “So we decided to take it one step further.”

The researchers then observed the actions of smokers when the nonsmokers attempted to change the oil of a car for the first time. Not surprisingly, the smokers again responded with obnoxious laughter and petty insults. The same results came when the experiment was modified further, having the nonsmokers attempt to discharge a firearm or ride a motorcycle for the first time.

Astonishingly, however, the results were different when groups of nonsmokers were made to observe one or two smokers try to do things they had never done before, such as brushing their teeth or reading a book. The reaction of the nonsmokers in those experiments was characterized as “bored and uninterested.”

 

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Archeological Evidence Suggests Library of Alexandria Never Went Digital

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The Ancient Library of Alexandria lost all its thousands of texts during an infamous fire nearly 2000 years ago because the institution never made the transition over to digital, archeologists say. Though this had always been a theory, newly uncovered evidence seems to prove that the Library’s failure to upgrade its system is the primary cause for the loss of its literature.

“Everyone sort of understood that not digitally backing up their archives was the main reason why the fire that destroyed the Library was so fatal,” said archeologist Dan Rhyback, head of the team that discovered this new evidence. “Now, we finally have something that shows why this fatal mistake occurred.”

That something is an ancient Comcast modem that seems to have fallen into disrepair. Miraculously the antique device can still be turned on, however it does not appear to transmit or receive any signal.

“When we plug it in,” said Rhyback as he demonstrated how to use the device, “we can see that the ‘Power’ light turns on automatically so it appears to be working. However if you look at this flashing ‘US/DS’ light, we can see that there is no strong connection with any internet provider.”

At first glance it may look like the device is working, but in fact the flashing ‘US/DS’ light indicates that the modem is malfunctioning in some way, and perhaps never worked properly at all.

“Nothing seems to give the device any signal,” said Rhyback. “We’ve tried unplugging it and plugging it back in, hitting the little ‘Reset’ button on the back, nothing.”

The archeologists also uncovered a small basement underneath the site where a phone was found on hold with Comcast tech support for the last 2000 years, which further supports the theory.

 

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News From the Future #01

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you three stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 20th, 2091 – Donald Trump Eyeing Lunar Presidency

Trillionaire and former US President Donald Trump hinted at the possibility of running for President of the Moon in the upcoming 2092 election. Although no official announcement has been made, rumors say that the 145-year-old has not kicked the taste for political leadership since he ran the People’s Republic of the United States of America of China in the 2070s. Most political strategists think this to be a premature move, however, as the Moon has yet to be declared its own nation. Trump believes that if this were to happen in his lifetime, his experience running nearly twelve businesses on the Moon, including three casinos, is enough for him to be declared a Lunar citizen, or a “Loony.”

 

2. April 1st, 2087 – Oil Discovered on Mars

This morning, the Indian Space Research Organization discovered naturally occurring petroleum deep beneath the surface of Mars while drilling to record the planet’s subterranean crust composition in the Cydonia region. The news came as a shock to the scientific community since petroleum is formed when decaying organic material is subjected to immense heat and pressure over hundreds of millions of years. This is the first real piece of evidence to suggest that life once existed on Mars at some point and in a large quantity. The ISRO has decided to put its efforts into studying the Cydonia region and invites all other space and extraterrestrial programs to join in.

 

3. April 2nd, 2087 – US Troops to Invade Mars,  Spread Democracy

The United States announced today that it will be sending troops to Mars in an effort to spread democracy. The Press Secretary said in a press release this morning that the barren, lifeless rock of a planet “lacks any real governing body and evidence suggests it’s harboring a slew of terrorist groups, especially the one that just did that attack.” The Press Secretary then revealed in a Reddit AMA that the focus of the incursion will be Mars’ Cydonia region.

 

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Former NASA Analyst Claims to Have Seen Intelligent Life on Earth

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Deb Burns, a retired geologist and extraterrestrial topography expert, has come forward with claims that she observed intelligent life on the planet Earth during her time working with NASA in the 1970s. Burns claims she witnessed these intelligent beings using their vastly superior knowledge to put other beings on the Moon, as well as use advanced technological devices to probe other regions of the solar system.

“I know it sounds insane,” said Burns, “but I know what I saw. There were teams of men and women using their minds to discover, explore and learn about the world around them. And all of this was happening on Earth.”

Burns says she saw this intelligence a number of times while studying photographs of Mars sent back from the Mariner 9 space probe, as well as images of Venus sent back from Mariner 10.

Other scientists have come forward with similar claims that seem to verify Burns’ statements. According to Hank Buckman, a physicist who helped design some of NASA’s probes, there was an “organization of intelligent minds” existing on Earth as late as the 1990s, which he says he witnessed despite having never worked directly with Burns.

NASA hasn’t yet commented on the matter and the US government has refused to release photos of Earth that might verify the claims. Conspiracy theorists across the nation, however, have become fascinated with the idea.

“Well yeah, of course there’s intelligent life on Earth,” says author and conspiracy theorist Woody Fairbrother who has written books about beings from Earth landing on the Moon. “I’m not sure what happened to it but I know for certain it was there.”

Earth’s apparent lack of intelligence now is an obstacle that many conspiracy theorists like Fairbrother struggle with, but Fairbrother and Burns herself haven’t lost hope.

“Maybe someday it’ll resurface,” Burns said. “I hope it does. Earth is facing a lot of global crises right now and the intervention of intelligent beings would go a long way.”

 

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Forlorn Scientist Accidentally Makes Self Invisible Unless in Presence of Naked or Undressing Women

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Dr. Bartholomew Zimm met tragedy two weeks ago when one of his science experiments went horribly wrong. As a result of the accident, Zimm is now completely invisible and can only be detected by the human eye when he observes attractive women who are unclothed or disrobing.

Dr. Zimm was attempting to design a new cloaking mechanism when the accident took place. The device was to work by inserting an object into a large capsule and throwing a series of switches and levers on a console matrix. The object was then supposed to appear in a second capsule; only light waves would now pass through the object instead of bouncing off of it, creating the effect of invisibility.

Other scientists have assessed that the tragic error occurred when Zimm accidentally fell into the first capsule, bumping into a remote control that started the invis-o-matrix sequencing, and forgetting he had left a cache of pornographic material in the second capsule. Minutes later, Zimm emerged with his new affliction.

Zimm has been spotted in a number of women’s dressing rooms and locker rooms across the Bay Area over the last two weeks. Reportedly, Dr. Zimm has been using such opportunities to attempt to communicate with the only people who can see him, but these windows are short since everyone he has appeared to usually shrieks and quickly dresses before Zimm can get out anything other than, “Wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean t-”

Zimm’s colleagues may have found a way to reverse the accident, but not without the remote control that Dr. Zimm bumped into during his transformation. Zimm might be stuck this way for a while, then, since the remote is invisible as well and he can’t find it.

 

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