How To Introduce Yourself Successfully

My name is John Francais Callahan. Yes, that John Francais Callahan. For those of you not important enough to know my name, look me up on your own because listing my achievements here would take too long. I’m not on your time, you’re on mine.

For the record, I’m only here because my good friend Jacob S. Wydra asked me to and technically this counts as community service, which looks good in the public eye. Personally I find these self-help things to be a total waste of time. If you need someone else to tell you how to be successful, then you just don’t have what it takes. Regardless, here we are.

Today I’m going to tell you how to introduce yourself in a way that will shock your enemies into respecting you. There are several components to a good introduction.

 

1. The Handshake. This is arguably the most important part of any first meet. A good man such as myself can tell a lot by the way a man shakes my hand; which hand he fights with, which he writes with, how much he makes annually, the size of his boat, what sexual positions he prefers, things of this nature. Don’t shake hands like the man you are, shake hands like the man you want to be.

Of course a firm grip goes without saying; most men think it ends there. But a real man is able to channel his power from his manhood, up his body, through his arm and out of his hand. That’s what you want, for him to feel your manhood. And this first handshake is the only time you will be able to do this because it is the only time when it is acceptable to touch another man.

 

2. Eye Contact. Shut up. A wealthy person is about to speak. This is the message you need to convey with your eyes.

Eye contact is critical during the handshake phase. I mentioned power emanating through your hands but in fact your power should be penetrating all five of his senses. He should feel it through your handshake, see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice, smell it by detecting what exorbitant cologne you’re wearing, and taste the brown liquor on your breath. Each introduction should be a full-frontal five-sense assault on your enemy, ignoring of course the sixth sense that only the Pope knows about.

Sight, however, is the most powerful of the five common senses, making eye contact paramount in these first few moments of your introduction. Your eyes should be a shield that the sharpest of men cannot penetrate, and also a spear that pierces the eye-shield of the man you’re meeting. Using the shield-spear technique, you can successful identify all of a man’s weaknesses during the first moment you make eye contact without him doing the same thing to you. Ideally you wouldn’t have any weaknesses to speak of, but if that were the case you probably wouldn’t be reading this right now.

There are many more things I could say about this subject. So many, in fact, that I could write a book about it if it weren’t for the fact that writing professionally is a sign of failure. I’m not even writing this right now, I’m flawlessly dictating to my 2nd secretary’s secretary. But I have time for one more tip.

 

3. Subliminal Dominance. A good number of men you meet believe that the way to win an introduction is to brag about their achievements, belongings, lineage and/or sexual partners. Where these things are important, stating them outright and without prompt will give the impression that these things are all you are good for. This is not the impression you want to give; you want him to know that you are better than him. You want him feel as though he isn’t worth your time.

Take for example the way I introduced myself at the start of this. I let you know the truth, that my accomplishments are nearly endless, however I did not brag about what they were. I stressed that I wasn’t here to serve you and that my participation in this was strictly on my terms. This subconsciously put me in control of the situation, and that dominance will ring throughout the rest of our encounters.

 

I do not hope or expect you to have enjoyed this entry. If you’re smart, you will take this advice and use it to become a better man, giving me the opportunity to crush a worthy competitor. Keep reading each week, I would prefer a fair fight.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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12 Tips for Flying

Flying is the safest and fastest way to travel,  however it’s also the most stressful.  Getting to your flight and having to deal with the oddities of fellow passengers can be a vexing experience that nobody looks forward to.  If you plan on flying in the future,  refer to these tips for the most relaxing,  stress-free flying experience possible.

 

1. Many believe it is ideal to arrive at the airport 2-3 hours before your flight. This is unnecessary, however, since your flight will probably be delayed by at least 2-3 hours.

2. Airlines no longer serve food so make sure you purchase something in the terminal to eat on the plane. The smell of greasy fast food and $8.00 coffee might agitate your fellow flyers, but that’s their fault for having nostrils.

3. “Stewardess” is no longer a politically correct term and comes across as sexist. The acceptable terms are “air hostess,” “peanut lady,” or “flying beverage wench.”

4. Masturbation does not get you into the “Mile High Club,” it gets you arrested.

5. Turning off your phone is always safer, but leaving it on and texting during take off makes the plane go faster, so you know, whatever.

6. Most flights will let you pay a small fee to watch a film on your headrest monitor, so look forward to that if you’re in one of the three seats on the plane with a working headrest monitor.

7. Make sure to talk to the people sitting next to you to make their flight as bad as yours.

8. Applaud when the plane lands so that everyone knows you’ve never flown before.

9. If you’re a nervous flyer, try periodically screaming in terror as loud as you possibly can in order to calm yourself down.

10. Smoking is not allowed on any aircraft. Cigarettes are fine, though.

11. When you pass through security you will be required to remove your shoes, belt, shirt, hat, pants, socks and anything else you might be wearing, so it’s best to simply arrive at the airport completely nude.

12. Children will annoy everyone so it’s best to check them when you collect your boarding passes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Quantum Fast Food Chain Allows Customers to Eat Their Food Before Ordering

The fast food franchise “Quantum Burger” has taken the nation by storm with its new ordering system that allows customers to eat their meals before they can even order them. This revolution in fast food production has put the up-and-coming burger joint at the head of the competition, earning itself the slogan, “The Fastest Burgers You’ll Ever Have (And Possibly Not Have Simultaneously).”

“It’s an amazing idea and I can’t believe it’s taken this long,” says Quantum Burger diner Alex Seleto. “What I love is that I can determine whether or not I enjoy my food before I decide what I want to get. So like if I decide after eating my burger that I didn’t like the pickles, I can tell them that when I order and the burger they make for me, which I just ate, won’t have had any pickles on it.”

Despite Quantum Burger’s rapid growth in the market, there are a number of kinks in the system that still need to be worked out. Ingredients will appear seemingly at random, for example, or the burgers might heat up spontaneously, forcing customers to wait for them to cool for an undefined amount of time.

“I mean, the system isn’t perfect,” said Quantum Burger spokesperson Gayle Masterson. “We’ll be the first to admit that. But given the billions we invested in our Meat Collision Accelerator, I think the positive outcomes outweigh the negative outcomes. Although those outcomes do seem to change every time we observe them.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Blogger Only One Who Thinks 100th Post a Big Deal

Internet blogger Stefan Takowski became ecstatic when he published his 100th blog post this morning. Despite Stefan’s blog being very unpopular and amateurish, the unemployed millennial thought it was an incredible feat. Most people who know Stefan believe this is from not having much of anything else going for him.

“Yeah, I mean, I don’t really know what he does all day,” said Stefan’s mother Susan. “As far as I know he just goofs around in the basement so I could see how he’d think this is a big deal. I’d prefer if he just got a job, though.”

The majority of Stefan’s blog followers were also unfazed by the news having only subscribed to it so that Stefan would subscribe to theirs.

“I don’t really read anything he posts,” said Claire Berkman, one of Stefan’s followers. “Sometimes I skim through them and I’m like… why did I subscribe to this again?”

Stefan hopes to find a way to market his blog in the future so that he can continue writing these updates of his on a full-time basis, claiming to have no viable skills with which to obtain any other sort of job. We here at Circus Killer hope for his sake that that isn’t true since the content of his blog is juvenile, pedantic and poorly written.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

New Study Shows Vaccines May Prevent Diseases, FOX News Says

Earlier this week, a group of FOX News reporters affirmed that receiving vaccinations might in fact help to prevent the spread of deadly diseases such as measles and tuberculosis. This came as a shock to many FOX News viewers, who until then had constantly been told that the purpose of vaccinations was to cause autism.

“It’s just unbelievable,” said long-time FOX News watcher Cherry Gunderson. “It’s always been known that immigrants invented vaccines to give our children autism, but to think they’ve accidentally been curing us, too? It’s incredible.”

The report aired on FOX’s new and wildly successful show, “FOX TOX,” in which four reporters sit around for an hour reading news stories from other networks and talking about whether or not they believe in them, because that’s what reporting is now.

The reporters came to the conclusion that vaccines can prevent certain diseases upon discovering that this was a claim made by the CDC, which they all assumed stood for Christian Doctors for Christ. The reporters also made the claim that autism “isn’t really a bad thing, as long as your beliefs in autism don’t conflict with real American values.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Oscar Winners Led Off Stage to Have Bodies Recycled into Film

Hollywood’s darkest night occurred yesterday when the best of the American movie industry offered itself to be sacrificed for the production of film.

The tradition began 87 years ago during the worst film shortage in history. Producers realized it would be cheaper and more efficient to make film out of human skin, so the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences devised a system to determine which stars and filmmakers have reached their prime so that they can make the ultimate sacrifice for the industry to continue.

Some Hollywood big shots are against this ritual, arguing that the film shortage ended shortly after this tradition began. Among them was Eddie Redmayne who won the Oscar last night for “Best Actor.” Redmayne had to be carried off of the stage screaming when he tried to speak out against the practice during his speech.

The underrepresentation of black people at the Oscars sparked debate when the nominees were announced, at which point the AMPAS claimed that lighter skin is “just easier to work with, as long as it’s a little tan.” This is why three Oscars were awarded to Alejandro González Iñárritu, whose skin will be used to make three films this year.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

9 Facts About Rabbits That Will Shock You

Rabbits are God’s fuzziest creatures but are often shrouded in mystery. Despite what you think you may know about rabbits, there are a number of strange well-kept secrets about them that may surprise you. Here are 9 of the most unexpected and remarkable things you need to know about rabbits.

 

1. Rabbits are at the top of their food chain. The belief that they’re not is part of an elaborate conspiracy created to trick their prey into a false sense of security.

2. Bunnies can use their ears to pick up most FM and AM radio frequencies.

3. Rabbits were the first mammals in space. There were a total of 4 rabbit-only space missions before FASTA (the Furry Aeronautics and Space-Time Administration) was defunded.

4. Thomas Edison did not invent the light bulb. It was invented by a very smart bunny who never patented her design.

5. Rabbits can hear the thoughts of humans; they just don’t care enough to react.

6. Bunnies are responsible for some of our society’s most well-known dance movies, including the “hoppy stop,” the “sniffy shake” and the “hare twist.”

7. A total of six bunnies have been nominated for an Oscar, but only one of them has ever won. It was the “Best Actor” award in 1992, and was given to Buttons Washington for his starring role in “Forrest Rump.”

8. A rabbit’s bushy tail is called a “fluffpluffer” and can be used to attract mates, ward off enemies and construct large wooden three-masted sailing ships.

9. If you rub two rabbits together for more than 3 minutes, nothing will happen and you are a very strange person.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.