Flying is the safest and fastest way to travel, however it’s also the most stressful. Getting to your flight and having to deal with the oddities of fellow passengers can be a vexing experience that nobody looks forward to. If you plan on flying in the future, refer to these tips for the most relaxing, stress-free flying experience possible.
1. Many believe it is ideal to arrive at the airport 2-3 hours before your flight. This is unnecessary, however, since your flight will probably be delayed by at least 2-3 hours.
2. Airlines no longer serve food so make sure you purchase something in the terminal to eat on the plane. The smell of greasy fast food and $8.00 coffee might agitate your fellow flyers, but that’s their fault for having nostrils.
3. “Stewardess” is no longer a politically correct term and comes across as sexist. The acceptable terms are “air hostess,” “peanut lady,” or “flying beverage wench.”
4. Masturbation does not get you into the “Mile High Club,” it gets you arrested.
5. Turning off your phone is always safer, but leaving it on and texting during take off makes the plane go faster, so you know, whatever.
6. Most flights will let you pay a small fee to watch a film on your headrest monitor, so look forward to that if you’re in one of the three seats on the plane with a working headrest monitor.
7. Make sure to talk to the people sitting next to you to make their flight as bad as yours.
8. Applaud when the plane lands so that everyone knows you’ve never flown before.
9. If you’re a nervous flyer, try periodically screaming in terror as loud as you possibly can in order to calm yourself down.
10. Smoking is not allowed on any aircraft. Cigarettes are fine, though.
11. When you pass through security you will be required to remove your shoes, belt, shirt, hat, pants, socks and anything else you might be wearing, so it’s best to simply arrive at the airport completely nude.
12. Children will annoy everyone so it’s best to check them when you collect your boarding passes.
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