Your weekly horoscope for July 23rd, 2016.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You can choose the people in your life but you can’t choose the life in your people. Befriend a few corpses.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Remember, you can’t learn anything from positive feedback. Telling your nephew that his piano recital was an all-around shitty experience doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you an educator.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Lately it feels like you’re completely on your own, but you’re not. You have crabs to keep you company and they’re with you wherever you go.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Anger is a path to darkness, so the next time you beat your husband use one of those flashlights the police use.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): When I say you should take care of yourself, you know I’m not lion! Get it? Lion? Because that’s your sign? Hahaha… no but seriously, you’re going to have heart attack later this week.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): People who live in the past are often filled with sadness and regret, but they also don’t have a black president so fuck them, right?

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): A loved one will require your full attention later this week, but so will Pokémon Go and I think we both know which matters more to you.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): No, don’t name your kid Bengymyda.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Don’t let negative energies control your life. Broadcast your own positive energies and hope the FERC doesn’t catch wind.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Snape kills Dumbledore.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Everything in life has a purpose. Wait… no, sorry, I read the stars wrong. Everything in life has a porpoise. If you don’t have a porpoise then you’ll never be popular.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Early this week you will be unable to move your legs due to deadly toxin you accidentally ingested at a Thai food place you decided to try the night before, however when you’re on the floor next to your bed, struggling to get up and terrified at the idea of never walking again, you will find a dime that you wouldn’t have seen had you not been paralyzed. So that’s something.

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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