Your weekly horoscope for March 7th, 2016.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You will find out this week that someone you trust has been lying to you, however you have to take partial responsibility for believing that diet soda was a real thing.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): This week you will truly know the meaning of the phrase “laser focus.” This is because a super villain will carve your head open with a laser.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Take the time to thank someone who means a lot to you. If you don’t have anyone like that, take the time to get a cat.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You will die on August 23^rd, 2061.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): The hardest things in the world can also be the most rewarding. Like forgiveness and tolerance and eating only one Pringle.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Always remember that the difference between a good day and a bad day is attitude. Well, attitude and herpes.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): No, chocolate is not a food group.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Something unexpected will give you a lot of joy this week, but something aggressive and venomous will give you a lot of sharp, shooting pains throughout your body next week.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You will hear terrible news about your health this week, but you will also find a quarter.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): It’s hard to take responsibility for our actions, but it’s even harder to play it off like you somehow missed the toilet.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You have something in your teeth.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Someone close to you is going to need your support to get through a difficult situation. Just remember that they wouldn’t come to you unless they knew they could count on you, and also because you’re their only friend with two shovels, plastic bags and lots of trunk space.

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Your weekly horoscope for February 29th, 2016

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You will find yourself filled with energy this week when a catastrophe strikes your nuclear power plant.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): When things get too stressful then just remember to enjoy the little things in life. Like rabbits and kittens. Any smaller than that, though, and you get spiders and ants and bacteria so I guess you can’t enjoy the really little things in life. Just focus on the sorta little things.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Sometimes it feels like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. You should really consider a chiropractor or a new mattress or something.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Take a moment out of each day to look around you and appreciate what you have. It will make up for all the moments you spend looking around other people and coveting what they have.

 Leo (7/23 – 8/22): We never know what we’re capable of until we’re pushed to the edge. That’s why sharing a train ride with an overweight person is the only ture test of character.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): I don’t know, usually anything dark goes in cold water, but you should check the label.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): There are a lot of emotions swelling up within you, but also a lot of parasites. Don’t trust store-brand yogurt anymore.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You are in charge of your own destiny. When good things happen it’s because you make them happen and you deserve it.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You are not in charge of your own destiny. When bad things happen it’s because everything is random and you don’t deserve it.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): I’m writing this in a fast food restaurant right now and there’s a guy at another table who’s just staring at me and it’s really freaking me out.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Sometimes it feels like giving up is easy. I don’t know how you could possibly think that… alcohol is such a huge part of your life.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): If you own a silver Nissan, license plate 3HFL66, your lights are on.

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Your weekly horoscope for February 22nd, 2016

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve been looking for a fresh start and the opportunity will finally come this week when hackers completely empty your bank account.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): The best way to deal with your greatest weakness is to turn it into your greatest strength, unless your greatest weakness is that you’re racist, which if you are then forget you read this.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Early this week you might feel a little more closed-off than usual. I promise this quarantine will only last for as long as it takes to find a cure or for you to die, whichever comes first.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You will start off this week feeling highly motivated, but end this week losing your right hand to a debt collector.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): If you’re ever feeling unmotivated this week then reflect on the words of Abraham Lincoln, who said, “if you don’t put me on the fifty then I swear to God, I’m going to haunt the shit out of someone.”

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Always remember that good looks aren’t everything. Money is everything. But you don’t have that either so whatever.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Lately it feels like you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places. Seriously, stop trying to hit on guys on death row.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Remember this week to put your best foot forward, then take your best foot out, then put your best foot forward and shake it all about.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): The mitochondrion is the powerhouse of the cell.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Someone close to you might start to inject some negativity into your life, although the words “negativity” and “heroin” are interchangeable in astrologese so it could be either of those.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): If you’re feeling like you want to lash out at someone then always remember the Golden Rule – if it was only in the urinal for 10 seconds, it’s safe to eat.

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Your weekly horoscope for February 15th, 2016.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Lately it feels like you’ve fallen into a rut. This is probably because you are the reincarnation of a World War I soldier who died in the trenches.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Learning to love yourself can be the most difficult thing in the world. Unless you’re attractive or male or was born into money, then it’s pretty easy.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Yes, time heals all wounds. But that cut really looks infected so maybe try a hospital.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Mars passes through your constellation starting this week, so expect to transform into a lifeless red planet. That’s how this astrology stuff works, trust me. I’m an expert.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): It feels as though everything you do drives people away. If this really bugs you then maybe stop working for Uber.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): You may be feeling like your coworkers have lost respect for you, however this is not true. They never had any.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Bravery means having the strength to keep moving, the wisdom to let go, and a motorcycle but no helmet.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You will have a test of faith this week when God appears to you in a dream and tells you He’s not real.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Don’t feel bad that no one is supporting your budding comedy career. It’s only because you’re not very good.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): If you don’t deal with your problems now then they’ll come back to haunt you forever. That’s not your horoscope, that’s just something I learned from this horror movie I saw where this guy cheated on his wife who then died and then she came back and started totally fucking his shit up, it was insane.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): There will be an explosion in your love life, which is really bad news if you’re happily married to someone who defuses bombs for a living.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): No, there shouldn’t be a White History Month.

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Your weekly horoscope for August 31st, 2015.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Life gives you the tools, you’re the one who has to use them. That’s why gun control is a farce.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Every dark cloud has a silver lining. Except when it’s raining. Or when it’s overcast. Or nighttime. Actually fuck it, forget clouds, they’re assholes.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): I mean, I’d say it’s herpes but I’m not a doctor.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Yes, I’m excited about Hillary too, but posting about her every 5 goddamn minutes is a little too much, okay?

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): I’m sensing that you’re in a lot of spiritual distress. Take some Pepto-Bismol.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Only a stupid man would marry you just for your looks and not your personality. Fortunately all men are stupid so just exercise a little and you’ll be fine.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): There’s nothing the stars can help you with that your good friends Ben & Jerry can’t fix.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Try to understand another person’s perspective before you judge them. Well, except Hitler. You can totally judge Hitler.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Things are looking up for the first time in months! Wait… no, I’m sorry, I read that wrong. It’s “throwing up.” The stars say, “things are throwing up for the first time in months.” Weird, huh? Hmm… maybe don’t check out that Japanese/Polish fusion restaurant that just opened up.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Own your life and good things will come. Lease your life and you’ll turn a pretty nice profit.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): If someone is offering to wipe away your credit card debt then they are lying to you. I don’t care who they are or how much you trust them. It’s a scam.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Relax, honey! Being “barren” isn’t that bad. After all, you’ll never be able to birth the anti-Christ, right?

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Your weekly horoscope for August 3rd, 2015.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Plan to do something spontaneous this week.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Don’t be discouraged by the failures of today, be discouraged by the failures of tomorrow.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): You will experience some turmoil in the workplace this week. In fact, if I’m reading this right, terrorists are going to take your entire building hostage. So bring a snack or something.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Stop bringing up Hitler in every argument.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Yes, time heals all wounds. But cocaine can make you invincible!

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): True success is not measured by wealth, it’s measured by the size of your breasts.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): How many cats is it going to take for you to accept that it’s over?

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Well no one thought Einstein was pretty, either. And he went on to invent the light bulb or something.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You have something in your teeth.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Friends are so hard to come by these days, but there’s an app for that.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Relax, dammit! Everything’s going to be fine, we just need a sharp saw, some trash bags and a lot of cleaning fluid.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Love has a way of hitting you out of nowhere. And when he does, call the police immediately.

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Your weekly horoscope for May 4th, 2015.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Fortunately someone will do something this week that will make you feel like a young woman again. Unfortunately that something will be taking advantage of your sexuality.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Don’t practice your Oscar acceptance speech while waiting tables, it confuses people.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): You’ve been attracting a lot of negativity lately. This is because you’re a positive person and opposites attract. Just be an asshole and things will get better.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Your predictions are a little unclear this week… either you’re going to stumble into a great amount of wealth or you’ll stumble into a great pile of animal feces.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You’ve always been strong-hearted and kind-willed. Or maybe it’s the other way around… I don’t know. The point is, your week’s gonna suck.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Later this week you will be in a horrible science accident that gives you the ability to digest lactose. The struggle is over.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): No, “naked yoga” is not a thing. He’s trying to sleep with you.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): I know you’ve been searching for that perfect man but I think it’s time to settle for someone a little subpar. Like that guy whose first date he brought you on was a $25 murder mystery buffet.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. You’ll have to seduce one of them if you’re gonna break this sexual dry spell of yours.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): “The worst decisions we make are the ones that help us learn the most,” is not something I can say about your contemporary French poetry degree.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Did you remember to call the bank?

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You may not be smart, talented, confident or attractive, but at least you never slept with Lumbergh.

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Your horoscope for the week of April 20th, 2015.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve always done things with good intentions at heart. Make sure everyone hears that; maybe if there isn’t enough evidence the jury won’t convict you.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Be thankful for the things you have, like credit card debt and herpes.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Later this week it will feel like someone is trying to get close to you and you keep pushing them away, but what’s a nightclub without a few perverts who use their hands a bit too much?

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You need to start standing up for yourself. Not every store is motorized-scooter accessible.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Your life will be changed forever this weekend when you will be magically turned into a sea creature.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Don’t move… it’s on your shoulder…

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Lately you’ve been feeling jealous of someone close to you. Why should she get to have your dream guy? Why is she allowed to have your dream house and your dream job and your dream life? Don’t you deserve them, too? Don’t you deserve her perfect life? Of course you do, but she’s taking it away from you. She’s taking away your chance at having a dream guy, and a dream house and perfect job and a perfect life. You need to start taking from her, Libra. You need to take all of those things from her. All of them…

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Do you really think you could spend the rest of your life with someone who listens to jazz? I say dump him.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): No, you don’t need another goddamn sweater for your dog.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You are a larger-than-life kind of person. Seriously consider dieting, it’s really starting to affect your health.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You will be pressured into doing something that you really don’t want to do, but you know in your heart that you’re a woman and your penis isn’t going to remove itself.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Watch out for Libra this week. She’s fucking crazy.

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.