Your weekly horoscope for August 3rd, 2015.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Plan to do something spontaneous this week.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Don’t be discouraged by the failures of today, be discouraged by the failures of tomorrow.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): You will experience some turmoil in the workplace this week. In fact, if I’m reading this right, terrorists are going to take your entire building hostage. So bring a snack or something.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Stop bringing up Hitler in every argument.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Yes, time heals all wounds. But cocaine can make you invincible!
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): True success is not measured by wealth, it’s measured by the size of your breasts.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): How many cats is it going to take for you to accept that it’s over?
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Well no one thought Einstein was pretty, either. And he went on to invent the light bulb or something.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You have something in your teeth.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Friends are so hard to come by these days, but there’s an app for that.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Relax, dammit! Everything’s going to be fine, we just need a sharp saw, some trash bags and a lot of cleaning fluid.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Love has a way of hitting you out of nowhere. And when he does, call the police immediately.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.