With Christmas around the corner, millions of people are finding themselves in the holiday spirit. Not everyone drinks from the same eggnog, however, so here’s a few things to enjoy about Christmas for those of you Grinches out there:
1. Provides thousands of jobs for unemployed overweight people.
2. Get to listen to your charitable family members talking about the 20 minutes they spent helping out at a soup kitchen that one time.
3. All of the lights and decorations allow you to identify which of your neighbors are tools.
4. Provides a quantifiable means of showing someone how you feel about them.
5. Coca-cola commercials.
6. It teaches children that there are benefits for letting strangers into their home.
7. Perfect for people who enjoy having unconventionally large plants in their home.
8. A Christmas Story marathon on TBS.
9. It’s the only time of year that the real Santa Claus can walk among mortals.
10. Brings good cheer to all (whose credit cards aren’t declined).
11. Provides an opportunity to feel up drunken coworkers at the annual Christmas office party.
12. It’s another fun way to isolate the Jews.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.