Month: August 2017

SPECIAL REPORT: Fast Food

circuskiller Health, Special Reports , , , , , , , , , ,

Fast food has become an integral part of American culture. It is estimated that each year, the average American eats nearly 63,000 pounds of fast food, spends $14,000 at fast food restaurants, and spends a total of 56 minutes masturbating in a Taco Bell drive-thru. With fast food being such an important piece of the American lifestyle, is it possible that what your roommate’s super bitchy girlfriend says about the health risks is true? Could fast food be a negative influence on the United States, and if so, is there a solution to the problem, and can we get that solution in a large?

It’s no secret that fast food restaurants are the preferred dining destination of the acne-stricken, the morbidly obese, and the nearly diabetic, but is there any evidence to suggest a linkage between fast food and unhealthy bodies? Circus Killer News spoke with Dr. Audris Flayheardt, a freelance nutritionist hired by numerous fast food companies to conduct health investigations. He has been hired by nearly every fast food chain with the exception of Wendy’s.

“I’ve devoted my life to studying the nutritional value of fast food, and I can tell you, it’s perfectly safe, perfectly healthy,” said Dr. Flayheardt surrounded by recently purchased burgers, chicken, and fries that he assured us he intended to eat as soon as we left. “You walk into any fast food restaurant, you order anything on the menu, and what you get will be good for you. Your body needs it, your bones need it, your children need it. It’s all good. The only case where this isn’t true is Wendy’s.”

So if the food isn’t harmful, then what’s the issue? Alleya Hernandez, founder and leader of a national anti-fast food organization called “No Try’s With That,” explained her side to us.

“I didn’t know the risks when I started giving my family fast food,” said Alleya, “Now my one son has no teeth because the acidity from the soda dissolved them. My other son is an addict and has to work at the Burger King to pay off his debt to them. And my daughter was mugged in the parking lot of a totally different Burger King. That’s why my organization boycotts fast food.”

Alleya then spent the next forty minutes trying to explain the name of her organization; something about how it’s supposed to make fun of a common fast food phrase, but instead it’s saying, “you can’t try to force your food on us,” or something. It sounds like she’s not a very creative person and just went with the first idea that came to her.

On the other side of the spectrum are fast food connoisseurs, which despite how they sound are not a type of dinosaur. These are people who travel to different towns, different states, even different countries, all to experience the joy of fast food everywhere they can. They rate different locations, swap fan theories, and perform ritualistic sacrifices in fast food restaurant bathrooms. We wanted an interview with Jim Cormers, famed for visiting more McDonald’s locations than any other person in history, but sadly Jim was lost to heart disease three months ago. He was cremated and had his ashes scattered over a McDonald’s flat top grill in New Jersey.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Town Protests Sacrilegious Friendship Between Dog, Cat

circuskiller Local News, News , , , , , , , ,

Violent protests broke out yesterday in the small town of Wenesauken, Indiana, when locals discovered that a family in their community recently brought home a cat to keep as a pet. The family, known as the Burken’s, brought the cat home despite already owning a dog.

“It’s an abomination,” said Wenesauken dog owner Sandra Glennech. “You start letting dogs and cats live under the same roof and next it’ll be gophers and groundhogs, or birds and dead people.”

Dog owners rallied together to protest the abnormal living situation on the Burken’s front lawn holding handmade signs that read, “Canine Supremacy,” “Dog Lover And Proud,” and “We Want Kibble, Not Your Interspecies Drivel.”

Shortly after the dog owner protesters appeared, a group of cat owners showed up to also protest the unusual animal friendship, but also to counter-protest the dog owners at the same time. A screaming match started between these two large groups of unemployed people.

Soon afterward, owners of various exotic pets arrived to counter-protest both sides and preach a message of interspecies unity. This third mass of people was followed shortly by the appearance of a fourth group made up of people who do not own any pets and believe pet ownership to be a form of slavery.

After several hours, the four-way protest erupted into a massive brawl on and around the Burken’s property. Dog owners whipped leashes around, cat owners threw sand in people’s eyes, exotic pet owners jammed bird seed down people’s throats, and non-pet-owners tossed paint around and wildly stabbed everyone they could.

Authorities were finally able to clear up the violence. So far, eight people have been confirmed dead and another fifty-nine are reportedly injured. The Burken’s were not home.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Creative Ways To Recycle Old Technology

circuskiller Factual Friday , , , , , , , , ,

Technology has become a large part of everyone’s lives, but with new technological breakthroughs happening almost everyday, the amount of techno-junk in our homes keeps piling up. Here are some creative ways to recycle some of your outdated devices.

 

1. With a little bit of tinkering you can turn any old appliance into a robot slave that can clean, cook, and vaporize intruders.

2. Beepers, pagers, and palm pilots are just catching on in Kyrgyzstan. You can sell them on eBay for a small fortune.

3. Pretty much any piece of old tech can be used to build a bomb. Also you’re now on a watch list just for reading that last sentence.

4. Store all your movies digitally so you can make a sexy bikini from your DVDs.

5. If you live in the US, you can donate your old smartphones, computers, tablets, and appliances to Immigration Services where they will be used as material for Trump’s border wall.

6. Throw your old cell phone into the ocean. All the creatures of the sea are delighted when humans bestow them with unwanted trash.

7. All your old cassettes can be used as tinder after we bomb ourselves back to the stone age.

8. A broken microwave can easily be converted into a heat-ray that you can use to take over a city.

9. You can use that old VCR of yours to store bread.

10. You can use that broken toaster of yours to store VHS tapes.

11. Use outdated computer parts to construct your first girlfriend you nerd.

12. Indiana Jones got it right; old, unused refrigerators can be repurposed as nuclear bomb shelters. Keep that in mind in 2018.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

International Dick Measuring Contest To End In Millions Of Deaths

circuskiller Trump Tuesday , , , , , , , , ,

United States President Donald Trump has officially declared a dick-measuring contest with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un. The declaration came last Tuesday via social media when the President tweeted the following:

“Kim Jon Un doesn’t know what hes doing, doesn’t have the balls to use nukes. As you can see,America does.” The President tweeted this remark accompanying a picture of what could be his testicles, though some speculate it is an unfocused photograph of two raisins fighting each other in a desert.

Kim Jong-Un responded saying, “The President does not know what he’s talking about. North Korea has the power to be victorious over America. Our nukes are bigger than yours.”

Trump hopped onto Twitter to fire back, saying, “America is still Number 1 in the nukes and our nukes are biggest in the world, there yuge. Kim Jong un is WRONG.”

Hours later, King Jong-Un said, “The size of the nuke doesn’t matter, it’s the motion of the ocean that makes winds to carry the fallout all over your small country.”

President Trump then threatened to start a nuclear war with North Korea as well as any other nation that speaks ill of America’s size. A White House spokesman assured Americans that the President knows what he’s doing and that this is what Americans signed up for on election day.

“The President is committed now more than ever to his initial message of making America great again,” said the spokesman. “He’s doing everything he can to take us back to that great time when every American was terrified of nuclear war.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Tips For Healthier Skin

circuskiller Factual Friday , , ,

Taking care of one’s skin is an often overlooked part of a healthy lifestyle. There are lots of fake skin care regimens out there so it’s difficult to know what works and what doesn’t. Here’s a list of fourteen tried and tested methods for healthy skin that have been proven to work.

 

1. Apples are filled with antioxidants that are good for your skin. Cut an apple in half and rub it all over.

2. Use lead-based paint to cover every unsightly blemish.

3. Grow a new skin every mating season and shed your old one like our lizard ancestors did.

4. Skin care oils are helpful, but expensive. You can settle for cheaper oils such as baby, vegetable, and cooking, which do the same thing.

5. Buy your own high-intensity lasers for some at-home mole and skin tag removal.

6. Showering too often can actually damage your skin. It’s healthiest to go three or four months in between showers.

7. Lather your skin in the blood of a virgin to keep it looking young and savory.

8. Ask a mad scientist about putting your brain in a robot body so you don’t have to worry about taking care of your skin.

9. Remember that zits, moles, freckles, and other markings on your skin are a physical manifestation of sin. Live a sinless life in the name of our Lord and your skin will clear up.

10. Magnets.

11. The human tongue is covered in useful bacteria. Try licking the dirt off your skin.

12. Scratching your skin can cause irritation. The next time you feel an itch coming along, remove that section of skin with a hot knife.

13. Most mammals have a coat of fur to protect their skin. Try covering yourself head-to-toe in other people’s hair.

14. Save every fleck of dandruff that falls off your skin. If you save up enough you can use it to plug up any open wound you might sustain from following the advice on this blog.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Assholes Anonymous

circuskiller Special Reports , , , , , , ,

A recent study found that nearly 87% of all Americans are either assholes right now or have been assholes at some point in their lives. Many assholes go their entire lives without ever knowing what they are, whereas others will recognize their problem and refuse to deal with it. A new social program, however, aims to treat those afflicted with asshole syndrome with acceptance and tolerance.

“Assholes Anonymous” is a non-profit organization that forces assholes to deal with their assholism head-on. Members gather once a week in a public place and talk about how their assholism affects the lives of themselves and their loved ones.

“I’ve been coming to AA meetings for going on seven months now,” says AA member Don Eberts. “It helps just to have people who will listen, and to know I’m not the only one suffering from a need to wear shirts with jokes on them or never use a turn signal.”

The organization was founded by Marvin Alejski, a longtime sufferer of assholism.

“My father was an asshole, he raised me to be an asshole,” says Alejski. “I know firsthand what assholism does to a family. A lot of these assholes who show up for meetings are never given a chance anywhere else. Assholes Anonymous is a safe place for assholes all across the country.”

Alejski helps fund research into the phenomenon of assholism, working closely with psychologist Dr. Amelia Luz, the world’s leading expert on assholes. Dr. Luz thinks it might even be possible to create a cure.

“The truth is, we still don’t know much about assholes,” says Dr. Luz. “We can easily identify the symptoms, for example, frequently holding up lines for no reason, ordering off menu, spending money on a bumper sticker, things like that. What we’re still unsure of, however, is what makes someone an asshole; what compels people to do such inane things.”

Treating assholes has proven to be no easy task since those afflicted with assholism are obstinate by nature. Dr. Luz says she’s seen the best results in Alejski’s program.

“Assholes Anonymous is, in my opinion, the best place that recovering assholes can go to get help,” says Dr. Luz. “The first step to beating assholism is recognizing it within yourself, and introducing yourself as an asshole to group of people who know what you’re going through. You can’t quit being an asshole unless you first acknowledge that you are one.”

As Assholes Anonymous continues to grow across the nation, more and more assholes are getting the help they need. If you or anyone you know is an asshole then don’t be afraid to seek out help. If you don’t, you’re a schmuck.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Ways To Extend Your Phone’s Battery Life

circuskiller Factual Friday , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The world of technology brings as many pains as it does pleasures. We all have experience being right in the middle of a text or an episode of a show or an important call telling us where to leave the ransom money when our phone shuts down from low battery, shutting down our lives as well. Check out these 12 tips on expanding the power of your phone’s battery to make sure your tech-enhanced life doesn’t stop.

 

1. The human body creates enough energy in one hour to power your phone for a lifetime. Remove one of your eyes so that you can stick a USB charger into your open eye socket.

2. Play mobile games while sitting on the toilet instead of everywhere all the time constantly.

3. Microwaving your phone for six minutes can give it enough energy for six hours.

4. Send your phone up into space and let it absorb the sun’s radiation. Your phone will charge fully as well as be imbued with super powers.

5. A virus on your mobile phone might always be running in the background, which drains battery life. To combat this, download a security program that will always be running in the background to check for viruses.

6. Replace your phone battery with a car battery.

7. Bury a human bone, a crow’s feather, and a picture of Robert Johnson at the center of a crossroads. Wait there until midnight and a demon will appear. You can sell the demon your phone’s soul in exchange for unlimited battery life.

8. Turn your brightness all the way down and just guess at what you’re typing.

9. Surgically implant an electric eel’s organs into your body so that you can produce your own electricity. Your phone will charge while you’re holding it.

10. Keep your phone in a freezer when you’re not using it. Your battery level will freeze at whatever percentage it was when you put it in.

11. Use your home computer to watch porn instead of watching it on your phone in the subway at full volume.

12. Free yourself from the shackles of a technologically intrusive society by casting your phone into the sea. The saltwater will preserve your phone’s battery life and you’ll get to live off the grid.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: The Night-Eagle

circuskiller Special Reports , , , , , ,

Sovereign City has been America’s crime-ridden embarrassment for decades. Once a benchmark of metropolitan greatness, the city has devolved into a cesspool of violence and moral destitution. With the local government seemingly unable or uninterested in saving Sovereign City and its people, is there any hope that the city will have its time in the light again? Is there anything that can inspire the citizens of SC to build a better society? Some SC residents say they have found a source of hope and inspiration in their dying city, and that source is the elusive and mysterious vigilante known as “The Night-Eagle.”

The first sighting of this costumed crusader was last November. Rose Carlisle, an elderly woman who has been living in SC her whole life, was walking down a darkened, deserted street one night when she was mugged by an unknown assailant. The assailant took her purse, pushed her to the ground, and said something that was insulting but still age appropriate. Before Rose knew what was happening, a masked man in an eagle suit swooped down and tackled the mugger.

“It was the second most incredible thing I have ever seen,” said Rose. “The first was seeing Muse in concert eight years ago.”

The masked man beat the mugger senseless before returning Rose’s purse to her.

“He was muscular. He had a long beak instead of a mouth and nose, and black bulletproof feathered wings. I thanked him and asked who he was, but he just squawked and flew off into the night.”

Since then, dozens of sightings of the Night-Eagle have cropped up all around Sovereign City. Each sighting took place at night and involved the prevention of a crime.

“I saw him tear into a carjacker,” said Devon Lucas, another witness. “He landed on top of the car and ripped off the roof with these big talons he had, then he pecked at the thief driving it until he crashed.”

Since his appearance, the Night-Eagle has been a major point of controversy in local government. The mayor of Sovereign City officially denounced the Night-Eagle’s actions in a recent press conference.

“He’s a menace to society,” said the mayor, “no different than the criminals he assaults. We don’t need a bird of prey running around with no authority, dealing out justice as he sees fit.” The mayor of Sovereign City has approved a special taskforce to arrest the Night-Eagle, despite the vigilante having the support of many law enforcement officers.

But as with any major issue, the question must be asked… what do wealthy celebrities have to say? Vick Vaughn, a local billionaire playboy and owner/inheritor of Vaughn Inc, the largest corporation in Sovereign City, says the Night-Eagle is a disgrace.

“He hasn’t done any good for this city,” said Vaughn at an annual fundraiser he hosts that raises money to install helicopter pads on yachts. Vaughn has a personal connection to crime because both his parents were murdered in front of him as a child when a moviegoer shot them for loudly talking throughout a showing of “The Angry Birds Movie.”

“If you want to see good being done for this city then just look at me,” continued Vaughn as he scratched at a mysterious injury on his neck. “The Vaughn Foundation raised over 36 million dollars last year to help restore the orphanages that were blown up by the Night-Eagle’s arch-nemesis ‘The Poacher.’ I don’t support the Night-Eagle’s actions and I distance myself from him in every way possible.”

But who is the Night-Eagle beneath the beak? Is he a hero, a criminal, or just a weirdo? Is he like a pride parade in that he’s having a positive effect on the city despite being controversial, or is he more like an erection on an airplane in that he’s doing more harm than good? Do I have time to write a better ending than this?

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump Bans Gay People From Entering Direct Line Of Sight

circuskiller Trump Tuesday , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

President Donald Trump announced via Twitter this morning that he would soon ban any member of the LGBTQ community from entering his direct line of vision. The President allegedly made the tweet while sitting on the toilet at around 4:30 a.m. The initial tweet reads:

“The whole gay issue is distraction from Me from making America great. I don’t think I should see them and will be making policy!!”

After immediate backlash, Trump continued to tweet in defense of his remark stating that the cost of keeping members of the LGBTQ community away from him is too high as it is.

“The President’s not wrong,” said a White House spokesman early this morning. “Since Trump took office, the Secret Service has been trained to dive into the President’s eye line every time he accidentally makes eye contact with someone he thinks might be gay, French, or something else weird. Their suits get all scuffed-up; the dry cleaning bill alone is only adding to the national debt.”

White House insiders say this new ban will come in the form of an executive order stating that only heterosexuals are allowed within a 30-mile radius of the President.

Rumors around Washington say that in addition to the American-Mexican border wall, Trump plans to construct an anti-gay moat around the White House. The moat will be paid for with an “indecency tax” that will only affect people who do not identify as heterosexual.

Other rumors suggest that the President might want the White House incased in a “gay-proof” dome after he confirmed through Twitter last week that he’s certain homosexuality can be transmitted through the air.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.