Taking care of one’s skin is an often overlooked part of a healthy lifestyle. There are lots of fake skin care regimens out there so it’s difficult to know what works and what doesn’t. Here’s a list of fourteen tried and tested methods for healthy skin that have been proven to work.

 

1. Apples are filled with antioxidants that are good for your skin. Cut an apple in half and rub it all over.

2. Use lead-based paint to cover every unsightly blemish.

3. Grow a new skin every mating season and shed your old one like our lizard ancestors did.

4. Skin care oils are helpful, but expensive. You can settle for cheaper oils such as baby, vegetable, and cooking, which do the same thing.

5. Buy your own high-intensity lasers for some at-home mole and skin tag removal.

6. Showering too often can actually damage your skin. It’s healthiest to go three or four months in between showers.

7. Lather your skin in the blood of a virgin to keep it looking young and savory.

8. Ask a mad scientist about putting your brain in a robot body so you don’t have to worry about taking care of your skin.

9. Remember that zits, moles, freckles, and other markings on your skin are a physical manifestation of sin. Live a sinless life in the name of our Lord and your skin will clear up.

10. Magnets.

11. The human tongue is covered in useful bacteria. Try licking the dirt off your skin.

12. Scratching your skin can cause irritation. The next time you feel an itch coming along, remove that section of skin with a hot knife.

13. Most mammals have a coat of fur to protect their skin. Try covering yourself head-to-toe in other people’s hair.

14. Save every fleck of dandruff that falls off your skin. If you save up enough you can use it to plug up any open wound you might sustain from following the advice on this blog.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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