15 Best Excuses For Getting Out Of Jury Duty

Serving on a jury is an American obligation that nobody wants to do, just like paying taxes or chugging a can of beer while speeding in your Ford pick-up to your cozy coalmining job. Everyone searches for an excuse to get out of jury duty, but it can be difficult to tell what works and what doesn’t. Here’s a list of excuses that have been proven to work.

 

1. Give yourself Pink Eye.

2. If it’s a criminal court, confess to the crime. If they believe you you’ll be a defendant instead of a juror.

3. Use one of your three “get out of jury free” cards that every American gets wen they turn 18.

4. Don’t stop dancing during your entire summons and claim that you have a disease where if you stop dancing, your heart stops. You will be such an annoyance that they’ll have to dismiss you.

5. Conceal a large analog clock on your person. Security will hear the ticking, assume you have a bomb, and deny you entry into the courthouse.

6. Hire an actor to take your place.

7. Insist that they can’t handle the truth.

8. Try to get abducted the night before your summons.

9. Explain that judging others is against your religion.

10. Get a note from your doctor that says you have “Inflammatory Gaseous Syndrome,” and that your excessive flatulence would be an undeniable distraction to your fellow jurors.

11. Bribe the judge with unlimited breadsticks.

12. Wear the clothes and makeup of 17th century French nobility and continuously shout, “Off with his head!”

13. Enroll in a college and take only one course each semester. You’ll be able to get out of jury duty as a student for the next forty years.

14. Successfully convince everyone that you are a brain in a jar, and that you cannot make it to the courtroom without a body.

15. Have you ever heard of a billionaire serving on a jury? Me neither… so just be super rich.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Fast Food

Fast food has become an integral part of American culture. It is estimated that each year, the average American eats nearly 63,000 pounds of fast food, spends $14,000 at fast food restaurants, and spends a total of 56 minutes masturbating in a Taco Bell drive-thru. With fast food being such an important piece of the American lifestyle, is it possible that what your roommate’s super bitchy girlfriend says about the health risks is true? Could fast food be a negative influence on the United States, and if so, is there a solution to the problem, and can we get that solution in a large?

It’s no secret that fast food restaurants are the preferred dining destination of the acne-stricken, the morbidly obese, and the nearly diabetic, but is there any evidence to suggest a linkage between fast food and unhealthy bodies? Circus Killer News spoke with Dr. Audris Flayheardt, a freelance nutritionist hired by numerous fast food companies to conduct health investigations. He has been hired by nearly every fast food chain with the exception of Wendy’s.

“I’ve devoted my life to studying the nutritional value of fast food, and I can tell you, it’s perfectly safe, perfectly healthy,” said Dr. Flayheardt surrounded by recently purchased burgers, chicken, and fries that he assured us he intended to eat as soon as we left. “You walk into any fast food restaurant, you order anything on the menu, and what you get will be good for you. Your body needs it, your bones need it, your children need it. It’s all good. The only case where this isn’t true is Wendy’s.”

So if the food isn’t harmful, then what’s the issue? Alleya Hernandez, founder and leader of a national anti-fast food organization called “No Try’s With That,” explained her side to us.

“I didn’t know the risks when I started giving my family fast food,” said Alleya, “Now my one son has no teeth because the acidity from the soda dissolved them. My other son is an addict and has to work at the Burger King to pay off his debt to them. And my daughter was mugged in the parking lot of a totally different Burger King. That’s why my organization boycotts fast food.”

Alleya then spent the next forty minutes trying to explain the name of her organization; something about how it’s supposed to make fun of a common fast food phrase, but instead it’s saying, “you can’t try to force your food on us,” or something. It sounds like she’s not a very creative person and just went with the first idea that came to her.

On the other side of the spectrum are fast food connoisseurs, which despite how they sound are not a type of dinosaur. These are people who travel to different towns, different states, even different countries, all to experience the joy of fast food everywhere they can. They rate different locations, swap fan theories, and perform ritualistic sacrifices in fast food restaurant bathrooms. We wanted an interview with Jim Cormers, famed for visiting more McDonald’s locations than any other person in history, but sadly Jim was lost to heart disease three months ago. He was cremated and had his ashes scattered over a McDonald’s flat top grill in New Jersey.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Tips For Healthier Skin

Taking care of one’s skin is an often overlooked part of a healthy lifestyle. There are lots of fake skin care regimens out there so it’s difficult to know what works and what doesn’t. Here’s a list of fourteen tried and tested methods for healthy skin that have been proven to work.

 

1. Apples are filled with antioxidants that are good for your skin. Cut an apple in half and rub it all over.

2. Use lead-based paint to cover every unsightly blemish.

3. Grow a new skin every mating season and shed your old one like our lizard ancestors did.

4. Skin care oils are helpful, but expensive. You can settle for cheaper oils such as baby, vegetable, and cooking, which do the same thing.

5. Buy your own high-intensity lasers for some at-home mole and skin tag removal.

6. Showering too often can actually damage your skin. It’s healthiest to go three or four months in between showers.

7. Lather your skin in the blood of a virgin to keep it looking young and savory.

8. Ask a mad scientist about putting your brain in a robot body so you don’t have to worry about taking care of your skin.

9. Remember that zits, moles, freckles, and other markings on your skin are a physical manifestation of sin. Live a sinless life in the name of our Lord and your skin will clear up.

10. Magnets.

11. The human tongue is covered in useful bacteria. Try licking the dirt off your skin.

12. Scratching your skin can cause irritation. The next time you feel an itch coming along, remove that section of skin with a hot knife.

13. Most mammals have a coat of fur to protect their skin. Try covering yourself head-to-toe in other people’s hair.

14. Save every fleck of dandruff that falls off your skin. If you save up enough you can use it to plug up any open wound you might sustain from following the advice on this blog.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Woman Knows This Likely Last Year She Can Get Flu Shot

With healthcare uncertainty around the horizon millions of Americans could soon find themselves uninsured. Vaccinations, booster shots and prescription medications could soon become luxury items.

Some Americans, like Aditya Bhurin of Virginia Falls, Kentucky, are trying to find a bit of light in the coming darkness. Aditya says she’s “making the best” of what might be the last flu shot of her life.

“There’s no reason I can’t make this fun,” said Aditya. “I mean, I know it’s hard to make fun out of anything with needles, unless you’re either in 1970’s New York or a modern day Ivy League school, but I want to make this memorable.”

Aditya entered her local Rite Aid with a GoPro strapped to her head to document the experience for future generations. Other Rite Aid customers noted Aditya’s confidence as she marched to the pharmacy in the back.

“You never see that anymore,” said one customer. “I do all my shopping here ever since being banned from Eckerd for a sex thing, but even there no one’s ever excited to get poked with something.”

Aditya took commemorative selfies with every pharmacist, all of whom were simply relieved to get a brief respite from dealing with downers only here to fill anti-depression prescriptions.

“I’ve injected a lot of things into a lot of people,” said pharmacist David Koh, “but never have I had a patient so thrilled to get deceased microbes administered into their left arm.”

Aditya reportedly convinced a pharmacist to inject her with multiple flu shots for multiple different strains in the hope that this would fend off ailments in the medicine-absent future that America is heading towards.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man’s Germ-Filled Mouth Most Diverse Place in Nation

A heartwarming story of pathological disaster struck a small town in North Carolina today when it was discovered that Colin Fargus, a local auto-mechanic, has a mouth containing more foreign organisms than are present in one location anywhere else in the country. Colin’s mouth was officially declared the “most diverse area in the nation” by the doctor in charge of treating Colin.

“Seeing all these different forms of disease, parasites and fungi working together under one common goal, which is to kill Colin, really brings tears to my eyes,” says Dr. George Jiminez, “not just because of the smell, but because it’s like these organisms are working together in a way that humans never could. We could really learn a lot from them.”

Colin visited his local dentist’s office complaining of toothaches, headaches, fever, numbness in his extremities, lack of appetite, blindness, deafness, hallucinations, heart palpitations, abnormal hair growth, spontaneous combustion, homophobia and other debilitating symptoms. Colin’s dentist immediately notified the CDC after initial examination of Colin’s mouth, and he’s been in quarantine ever since.

While treatments for Colin’s various diseases are hastily being applied, many see the diversity of Colin’s mouth as something that should be celebrated in a nation fatally divided by matters of race, sex, gender, religion, and whether or not Mad Max: Fury Road deserved to be nominated for best picture.

“Colin’s mouth is a reflection of the melting pot that is this country,” said Dr. Jiminez. “If he dies in the next few hours, which is certainly possible, then he will surely die a hero.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Ways to Survive Without Healthcare

Many Americans still don’t have access to healthcare,  chiefly because of Obama.  This has forced the majority of Americans to come up with their own solutions to common health-related issues.  Here are 12 of the most effective ways to stay alive and healthy without being on any health insurance plan.

 

1. Needles can actually go bad and can be expensive to replace.  Sharing with a friend can cut down on costs.

2. Stress can cause sickness,  so avoid stressful situations by not going to work.

3. Hospitals are always in need of organs,  so if you ever need surgery tell your operator that it’s fine to take a kidney or two as payment.

4. Don’t forget,  you can always sue your doctor for malpractice.

5. Chicken noodle soup is an excellent remedy for colds and the flu.  The broth helps to clean out your system,  the ingredients contain helpful vitamins and minerals and it helps you understand what to expect when you become old.

6. Call Michael Moore,  he might put you in his next movie.

7. Eastern medicine works as long as you’re willing to disregard reality.

8. Exercising,  eating healthy and making safe decisions like buckling your seat belt are all things that don’t prevent terminal illnesses.

9. There are open heart surgery tutorials you can check out on YouTube.

10. Medication can be really expensive so you can totally sell your prescription meds to help with the rent.

11. When you get sick,  be sure to drink plenty of liquids,  eat plenty of solids and inhale lots of gasses.

12. When all else fails,  turn to prayer.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Nation Strives to Remain Gutten-Free

A social media campaign went viral earlier this week that urges people to boycott all movies starring actor Steve Guttenberg. Initially, the campaign was started by mistake when a popular online fitness brand tweeted “Down with Gutten,” which was autocorrected from “Down with Gluten.” The poster of the original tweet apologized and tweeted a correction, however the original tweet was retweeted and favorited so much that the “Gutten Free” online campaign was born.

Known colloquially as “the poor man’s Bill Murray,” Steve Guttenberg was a comedy actor in the 1980s who fell out of stardom when curly hair stopped being acceptable. He still acts today, but is too old for a leading role.

Since the campaign started, many movie watchers have completely cut Gutten out of their movies. Some fast-forward through parts of movies that are high on Gutten, while others have vowed to avoid Gutten-enriched movies altogether.

Early this afternoon, many film reviewers have come forward saying that the Gutten Free campaign isn’t based on anything factual, and that most people are just hopping onto the craze without understanding who Steven Guttenberg really is.

“The truth is, there’s nothing wrong with watching a little bit of Gutten every day,” says New York Times film reviewer David Costanelli. “Gutten isn’t ideal, of course, but it won’t kill you and isn’t inherently bad in any way.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.