News From the Future #07

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. December 15th, 2662 – Solar Fracking May Cause Instability Within Sun, New Study Suggests

The Solar Protective Energy Committee of Terra Relations released a report on Tuesday that suggests solar fracking might be dangerous to the sun. Solar fracking became prominent when it was clear that the sun was not putting out enough energy to keep up with human consumption ever since “solar power” became the most widely used method of acquiring energy once fossil fuels ran out centuries ago. Solar fracking is the process by which chemicals are drilled into the sun’s core to increase the rate of nuclear fusion, thereby producing more sunlight. According to the report, solar fracking could potentially create worse solar storms and deadly amounts of radiation, but that sounds like a problem for the future, so whatever.

 

2. February 4th, 2104 – Baseball Seasons Now to Last 55 Weeks

MLB president James L. Haywood announced today that every season of baseball would be extended by four weeks, bringing the total number of weeks up to 55. Haywood said each new season of baseball would begin approximately three weeks before the previous season ends, so there will be a short overlap between the end of the previous season and the start of a new one. This is of course how the seasons will be from now on without playoffs. The playoff season will continue to last three years like it does currently.

 

3. August 17th, 59,971 – Racial Unrest Persists in America

Racial unrest continues to ravage the United States, despite it now being nearly 60,000 years since slavery was abolished. Occupational analysts have noticed a sharp uptick in professional rioters in the last few years, most likely due to the recent acceptance of Fandallarians as a race capable of acquiring a US citizenship. Many professional rioters and peaceful protestors alike have been in the business for generations, so the protesting industry has been as much a part of American heritage as tobacco pie (which of course replaced apple pie when apples went extinct some 40,000 years ago).

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Protestors Begin Protesting Protests

Violent and nonviolent protests alike have been cropping up across the United States for issues including racial discrimination, homosexual rights and the deletion of Joss Whedon’s Twitter account. Many protestors, however, have gathered to protest the drastic increase of public demonstrations that are growing more and more commonplace in America every day.

“We’re getting sick of this being the only thing we see on the news,” says protestor Gayle Sweeney, one of the founders of Protestors Protest Protesting (PPP). “I want to get back to seeing the news that actually matters, like pregnant celebrities and cats who know how to dial 911, and that isn’t going to happen until these people put down their signs, go back inside and just watch TV like they should.”

“Last night, I wanted to treat myself to a night out at Chili’s,” says Baltimore resident and PPP member Garry Zucker. “I drove two blocks before hitting a mob that completely blocked the streets. If that happened when I was going to work, that’d be great. But it’s only when I’m trying to go somewhere that I actually want to be. It needs to stop.”

The PPP has showed up at several demonstrations, including a rally of religious conservatives who had gathered in D.C. to protest the Supreme Court marriage equality vote. Unfortunately a rally of marriage equality supporters had already showed up across the street from the marriage equality protestors, so the PPP was forced to share the middle of the road in between the two sides of protestors with the D.C. police who had showed up to contain the protesting. The amorphous blob of shouting and protesting eventually fused into one combined protest against the lack of order, personal space and bathrooms at all public demonstrations.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of May 4th, 2015

Your weekly horoscope for May 4th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Fortunately someone will do something this week that will make you feel like a young woman again. Unfortunately that something will be taking advantage of your sexuality.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Don’t practice your Oscar acceptance speech while waiting tables, it confuses people.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): You’ve been attracting a lot of negativity lately. This is because you’re a positive person and opposites attract. Just be an asshole and things will get better.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Your predictions are a little unclear this week… either you’re going to stumble into a great amount of wealth or you’ll stumble into a great pile of animal feces.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You’ve always been strong-hearted and kind-willed. Or maybe it’s the other way around… I don’t know. The point is, your week’s gonna suck.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Later this week you will be in a horrible science accident that gives you the ability to digest lactose. The struggle is over.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): No, “naked yoga” is not a thing. He’s trying to sleep with you.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): I know you’ve been searching for that perfect man but I think it’s time to settle for someone a little subpar. Like that guy whose first date he brought you on was a $25 murder mystery buffet.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. You’ll have to seduce one of them if you’re gonna break this sexual dry spell of yours.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): “The worst decisions we make are the ones that help us learn the most,” is not something I can say about your contemporary French poetry degree.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Did you remember to call the bank?

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You may not be smart, talented, confident or attractive, but at least you never slept with Lumbergh.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Sit Successfully

My name is John Francais Callahan. I was the only person at my school to be awarded Most Handsome, Most Successful and Most Hair all at once and as a freshman. I maintain this blog so that lesser men like you can have a glimpse at what it means to be truly magnificent.

Most men only sit down because it’s comfortable or they’re too tired to stand. I sit because it’s a power play. Sitting shows other men in the room that you aren’t worth their time. It shows them that you don’t need your feet to be in control, and if done properly, can open up no less than 31 sexual positions you’ve never heard of because most of them are illegal in the United States. Today, I shall go over the secrets of a successful sit.

 

1. Posture. Men and women can both sense power by the erectness of a man’s stance, and this applies to sitting just as much as it does to standing. Your feet should be firm on the floor, knees at a 90º angle. At no point should you ever fidget or cross your legs. Men who do this are nervous and likely hiding something, like a debilitating addiction or an attachment to someone with an embarrassing genetic illness.

Always make sure your back is upright and your shoulders are wide and broad. This is a tactic often used in the animal kingdom. Male peacocks will show off their feathers to intimidate inferior peacocks, bears will stand up on their hind legs to appear taller, and giraffes will perform cartwheels while lighting nearby buildings on fire. Every animal has their means of intimidation. For men, this lies primarily in the shoulders, chest and groin region. When you sit, it should be in a way that accentuates those areas of your body.

 

2. Movement. It is critical to maintain composure at all times, which means as little movement as possible. It does not matter if you learn that the senator’s son you loaned one of your yachts to has just crashed it or if a black person has just been elected president. You have to remain as calm and sensible as possible. Control indicates power. I once sat through an ordeal as gruesome as watching Dick Cheney have the steam engine that powers him replaced without wincing or turning away, and it’s housed in a part of his body that should be covered at all times and looks as sickening as what his soul probably looks like.

 

This concludes this week’s edition of “How to Succeed.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.