Your weekly horoscope for May 4th, 2015.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Fortunately someone will do something this week that will make you feel like a young woman again. Unfortunately that something will be taking advantage of your sexuality.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Don’t practice your Oscar acceptance speech while waiting tables, it confuses people.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): You’ve been attracting a lot of negativity lately. This is because you’re a positive person and opposites attract. Just be an asshole and things will get better.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Your predictions are a little unclear this week… either you’re going to stumble into a great amount of wealth or you’ll stumble into a great pile of animal feces.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You’ve always been strong-hearted and kind-willed. Or maybe it’s the other way around… I don’t know. The point is, your week’s gonna suck.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Later this week you will be in a horrible science accident that gives you the ability to digest lactose. The struggle is over.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): No, “naked yoga” is not a thing. He’s trying to sleep with you.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): I know you’ve been searching for that perfect man but I think it’s time to settle for someone a little subpar. Like that guy whose first date he brought you on was a $25 murder mystery buffet.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. You’ll have to seduce one of them if you’re gonna break this sexual dry spell of yours.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): “The worst decisions we make are the ones that help us learn the most,” is not something I can say about your contemporary French poetry degree.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Did you remember to call the bank?
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You may not be smart, talented, confident or attractive, but at least you never slept with Lumbergh.
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