Since the dawn of man, very little has been known about the human brain, aside from the obvious fact that it is filled with bees and mystery. Today, through the miracles of modern science, people have been able to remove all those bees and all those mysteries and lay them out for the world to see.

Circus Killer News sat down with Dr. Eugene Merrill, a leading brainologist at the University of Southern Fresno, and asked him about that mysterious pink orb that we all fantasize about.

CKN: What are the primary functions of the brain?
Merrill: The brain’s primary function is being a pillow for your skull, but it can also step in as attorney general from time to time.

CKN: How long will a brain keep usually?
Merrill: About three days, but it can last up to a week if you store it in the fridge.

CKN: Where is the brain’s pleasure center?
Merrill: I know it’s near the top, but honestly, there’s so much going on in that whole region, I try to avoid it altogether.

CKN: Whose brain is this?
Merrill: I think it’s Kevin’s, but I don’t know.

CKN: Are all brains as sexy as they appear in the movies?
Merrill: I try not to notice those sorts of things.

CKN: Can I get my brain replaced if there’s something wrong with it?
Merrill: Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can get them on Amazon.

CKN: Tee hee hee, what is, like, hee hee, the naughtiest thing that a brain has ever done, tee hee?
Merrill: There is a brain in Wales that is capable of thinking about butts whenever it wants.

CKN: Can I survive without my brain?
Merrill: Many Americans do.

CKN: Can people really be left-brained or right-brained?
Merrill: This is a common misconception. Brains are not distinguished by predominant usage of the left hemisphere or the right hemisphere. Rather, they are distinguished as being either an innie or an outie.

CKN: Is “The Man with Two Brains” worth a watch?
Merrill: I don’t know. I’ve never heard of it.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.