Month: December 2017

10 Common Dreams And What They Mean

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Dreams are one of the most peculiar functions of the human brain. People will often look for complex or even mystical meanings behind their dreams, but dreams are much simpler than people make them out to be. This is because every function of the human body, including dreams, relates to sex, food, death, and nothing else.

 

Flying – Flying, floating, and levitating are all very common dreams. Some people even claim to feel the sensation that they’re flying when they’re awake and on an airplane. If you have a dream that you can fly, it probably just means you have gas.

Falling – Unlike flying dreams, falling is when you’re plummeting through the air and have no control over it. Falling dreams mean that your spouse is having an affair with their sky diving instructor.

Teeth Falling Out – Dreams about losing teeth, hair, pancreases, and other body parts are common among people who are stressed out. These dreams usually mean that a spider is crawling into your open mouth at that very moment.

Back In High School – This is one of the most common dreams for people in their thirties. If you recently had a dream that you were back in high school then the person you lost your virginity to has just died.

Sex Dream – Though it’s a common mistake, sex dreams actually have nothing to do with sex. They usually just mean you’re a terrible, wicked human being and that you desperately need Jesus in your life.

Being Chased By Something – These are more like nightmares than dreams. Some scientists say that they are a precursor to paranoia, but others believe they are due to mind control microwaves that the government is blasting into your home from that unmarked van across the street.

Getting Your Mind Hacked Into – These aren’t dreams, they’re memories. You’ve been incepted.

Your Own Death – Many people have dreams about when and how they will die, but these dreams are almost never accurate. In truth, dreams about your own death mean that you’re pregnant, or have just gotten someone pregnant.

Someone Else’s Death – Unlike dreaming about your own death, this type of dream is completely real. Start saying your goodbyes.

William H. Macy – Humans have been having dreams about William H. Macy for thousands of years. Scientists still don’t know what these dreams signify.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Santa Claus

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For many Americans, Christmas is a joyous time filled with merriment, warm tidings, and credit card debt. Every year, millions of Americans gather to spend time with their families, exchange gifts, and engage in an assortment of ritualistic cult activities. But there’s a yearly terror that rears its chubby, bearded head every Christmas season, and the name of that terror is Santa Claus.

There are many conflicting reports on who Santa Claus is, and what his motives are. He’s known by many different names – Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Johnny Redcoat, Solstice Saul, The Winter Pimp, and Lap Daddy to name a few. Experts believe that having multiple identities makes it easier for Santa to cross national borders and achieve his sick goal of breaking into as many children’s homes as he possibly can.

“The truth is, we still don’t know why he does it,” said Special Agent Doug Wholfstetder who leads the FBI investigation that seeks to arrest this red-robed menace. “Sometimes he’ll try to bribe children with gifts, sometimes he’ll just eat their snacks. Whatever the reason, it needs to stop.”

Because there are many different conflicting stories about Santa’s habits and practices, the FBI is focusing on the similarities. One of those similarities is that Santa exploits slave labor as an industrialist operating out of the North Pole.

“There are virtually no regulations in the North Pole,” said Agent Wholfstetder, “which means he can do anything he wants up there. Slave labor laws don’t apply, child labor laws don’t apply, EPA regulations don’t apply. There’s some pretty strong evidence that the melting of the polar ice caps is due primarily to the exhaust of his massive arctic factory that we still can’t get into.”

Every year, thousands of Americans report seeing Santa Claus during the Christmas season. Several eyewitnesses have spotted the man at shopping malls, beckoning young children to sit on him so he can take pictures of them. What’s worse is that the authorities don’t appear to be doing anything about it.

“I come to the mall with my six-year-old every weekend to look for a husband and to expose my child to a variety of diseases so that he’ll be immune to the super bug that will wipe us out,” said Delaware mother Laura Correa. “Every time I’m there I fear for my child’s safety because security just lets these old creeps set up their Christmas traps in the middle of the mall. Maybe if mall security wasn’t so busy rejecting my advances then they would do something about it.”

So what can ordinary citizens do to avoid this mystical monster of a man? Agent Whofstetder has some tips.

“We know that he likes to get in through people’s chimneys. If you live in a home with a chimney, you’re going to want to plug it up immediately. Santa only breaks into homes with young children, so if you have any children in your home then you should set up a trap for him by leaving out milk and cookies laced with poison.”

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Santa Claus, or if you think you know his true identity, you are urged to contact the authorities immediately.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Community Shaken By Interfaith Nativity Scene

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The community of Red Oak, Alabama has been expressing its outrage over the last few weeks over an interfaith family’s all-inclusive nativity scene, which features figures and scenes from a myriad of different religious beliefs. One woman claimed it was the most disturbing sight she had ever beheld.

“It’s absolutely sickening, and blasphemous,” she said to a reporter as well as every stranger she came into contact with. “It’s an insult to God, and even worse, an insult to me.”

Dozens gather in the street every night to protest the scene by singing hateful Christmas carols and punching anyone who says “happy holidays.”

The hype has gotten a number of local theologians to weigh in on the issue. Greg Whittagan, the head pastor at a nearby church, says that Jesus would also have been offended by the display.

“Jesus’ message was clear,” said Pastor Whittagan, “and that message is that he was the Son of God. Any assertion that that was not true would have certainly upset Christ, and he would have used his heat-vision to destroy those who doubted him.”

The nativity scene itself does include a baby Jesus, but the other figures have been changed. The three wise men have been replaced with Moses, Buddha, and Vishnu. Joseph has been supplanted by Cthulhu, and the Virgin Mary has been swapped out for a statue of Beyoncé.

The family who set up the nativity scene says they are not fazed by the backlash.

“Freedom of religion means freedom of all religions,” said Cathy Vahaswanath, who lives in the home that put up the scene. “These people in my community are going to have to look at Moses and Buddha high-fiving and learn from that.”

The nativity scene can be found on Glennross Road in between the house with the giant cross on the front lawn, and the house that still has its Halloween decorations up.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.