microwave

KILLER ADVICE: How Do I Change The Thingy?

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Be it luck or fate, you have just stumbled upon ‘Killer Advice,’ the highest-ranked web-based advice column on the internet, according to a recent kidnap victim. Every week we take questions from commoners like you, and have them answered by uncommoners like the staff of Circus Killer News.

Today’s question comes to us from Carol Burkowski, a stay-at-home mom in Reddingham, Pennsylvania. She writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,
My son and his friends were using the TV to play on his Xbox earlier today. Every time he does this he has to switch the thingy on the TV so it’s a different HTMI or something, and I can’t figure out how to make the TV go back. We have four different remotes in our house and I don’t know what button to press to make the thingy come up. Normally my son does it but he’s at basketball practice, and then he’s going to his friend’s house for a Nintendo. I’m really desperate because the Kids Halloween Baking Championship on the Food Network is tonight and if I miss it then I won’t have anything to talk about at brunch tomorrow. If you could walk me through how to switch the thing on the TV then I would really appreciate it.”

There are a few steps to solve this problem, Carol, but fortunately they’re all very easy. The first thing you need to do is figure out which remote is for the TV. The best way to do this would be to grab all your remotes and expertly juggle them around in the air. As you’re doing this, close your eyes and focus on whichever device in your house you want to control. If you concentrate hard enough, you will lose control of the corresponding remote and it will land on your head. This is the preferred method among professional channel surfers.

You could also try microwaving all your remotes. The way a remote control works is that there is a tiny radioactive isotope that links the remote and the device with a unique radiation signature. If you put your remotes in the microwave for a few minutes, the isotope will start glowing. Hold your freshly cooked remote up to its corresponding device, and that device will glow the same color. If it’s the wrong device, however, then the two will start to fizz and melt, and could explode if it’s a Samsung product.

The last best way to identify which remote is for which device is to simply look it up on the internet. Play each remote next to a different potted plant and expertly sketch out the scene to make a perfect still art masterpiece. Fax the artwork directly to the head office of any online search engine and ask them what each one is for. If they fax you back saying that all of them are for converting carbon dioxide into oxygen, then fax them back another set of remote drawings, but this time draw a bunch of arrows pointing to the remotes so that they know what you’re talking about.

Switching your television’s input is easy now that you know which remote is for the TV, but unfortunately the court order that forces the CKN staff to write this advice column states that we only need to put in 500 words a week, so you’re on your own.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Common Dreams And What They Mean

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Dreams are one of the most peculiar functions of the human brain. People will often look for complex or even mystical meanings behind their dreams, but dreams are much simpler than people make them out to be. This is because every function of the human body, including dreams, relates to sex, food, death, and nothing else.

 

Flying – Flying, floating, and levitating are all very common dreams. Some people even claim to feel the sensation that they’re flying when they’re awake and on an airplane. If you have a dream that you can fly, it probably just means you have gas.

Falling – Unlike flying dreams, falling is when you’re plummeting through the air and have no control over it. Falling dreams mean that your spouse is having an affair with their sky diving instructor.

Teeth Falling Out – Dreams about losing teeth, hair, pancreases, and other body parts are common among people who are stressed out. These dreams usually mean that a spider is crawling into your open mouth at that very moment.

Back In High School – This is one of the most common dreams for people in their thirties. If you recently had a dream that you were back in high school then the person you lost your virginity to has just died.

Sex Dream – Though it’s a common mistake, sex dreams actually have nothing to do with sex. They usually just mean you’re a terrible, wicked human being and that you desperately need Jesus in your life.

Being Chased By Something – These are more like nightmares than dreams. Some scientists say that they are a precursor to paranoia, but others believe they are due to mind control microwaves that the government is blasting into your home from that unmarked van across the street.

Getting Your Mind Hacked Into – These aren’t dreams, they’re memories. You’ve been incepted.

Your Own Death – Many people have dreams about when and how they will die, but these dreams are almost never accurate. In truth, dreams about your own death mean that you’re pregnant, or have just gotten someone pregnant.

Someone Else’s Death – Unlike dreaming about your own death, this type of dream is completely real. Start saying your goodbyes.

William H. Macy – Humans have been having dreams about William H. Macy for thousands of years. Scientists still don’t know what these dreams signify.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Creative Ways To Recycle Old Technology

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Technology has become a large part of everyone’s lives, but with new technological breakthroughs happening almost everyday, the amount of techno-junk in our homes keeps piling up. Here are some creative ways to recycle some of your outdated devices.

 

1. With a little bit of tinkering you can turn any old appliance into a robot slave that can clean, cook, and vaporize intruders.

2. Beepers, pagers, and palm pilots are just catching on in Kyrgyzstan. You can sell them on eBay for a small fortune.

3. Pretty much any piece of old tech can be used to build a bomb. Also you’re now on a watch list just for reading that last sentence.

4. Store all your movies digitally so you can make a sexy bikini from your DVDs.

5. If you live in the US, you can donate your old smartphones, computers, tablets, and appliances to Immigration Services where they will be used as material for Trump’s border wall.

6. Throw your old cell phone into the ocean. All the creatures of the sea are delighted when humans bestow them with unwanted trash.

7. All your old cassettes can be used as tinder after we bomb ourselves back to the stone age.

8. A broken microwave can easily be converted into a heat-ray that you can use to take over a city.

9. You can use that old VCR of yours to store bread.

10. You can use that broken toaster of yours to store VHS tapes.

11. Use outdated computer parts to construct your first girlfriend you nerd.

12. Indiana Jones got it right; old, unused refrigerators can be repurposed as nuclear bomb shelters. Keep that in mind in 2018.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Ways To Extend Your Phone’s Battery Life

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The world of technology brings as many pains as it does pleasures. We all have experience being right in the middle of a text or an episode of a show or an important call telling us where to leave the ransom money when our phone shuts down from low battery, shutting down our lives as well. Check out these 12 tips on expanding the power of your phone’s battery to make sure your tech-enhanced life doesn’t stop.

 

1. The human body creates enough energy in one hour to power your phone for a lifetime. Remove one of your eyes so that you can stick a USB charger into your open eye socket.

2. Play mobile games while sitting on the toilet instead of everywhere all the time constantly.

3. Microwaving your phone for six minutes can give it enough energy for six hours.

4. Send your phone up into space and let it absorb the sun’s radiation. Your phone will charge fully as well as be imbued with super powers.

5. A virus on your mobile phone might always be running in the background, which drains battery life. To combat this, download a security program that will always be running in the background to check for viruses.

6. Replace your phone battery with a car battery.

7. Bury a human bone, a crow’s feather, and a picture of Robert Johnson at the center of a crossroads. Wait there until midnight and a demon will appear. You can sell the demon your phone’s soul in exchange for unlimited battery life.

8. Turn your brightness all the way down and just guess at what you’re typing.

9. Surgically implant an electric eel’s organs into your body so that you can produce your own electricity. Your phone will charge while you’re holding it.

10. Keep your phone in a freezer when you’re not using it. Your battery level will freeze at whatever percentage it was when you put it in.

11. Use your home computer to watch porn instead of watching it on your phone in the subway at full volume.

12. Free yourself from the shackles of a technologically intrusive society by casting your phone into the sea. The saltwater will preserve your phone’s battery life and you’ll get to live off the grid.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man’s Microwave Breaks, Starves

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Anthony Gremble, a 26-year-old software engineer from Rhode Island, was found dead in his apartment this past Sunday. Anthony had apparently starved to death after his microwave broke and he couldn’t heat up any food.

“He was lying face-down in the kitchen, trying to figure out how fruit works from the looks of it,” said Officer Dave Chapel, the first to arrive on the scene. “Of course we didn’t officially know how it happened until the autopsy but anyone could guess. The time display on the microwave was blank and his freezer was full of uneaten frozen foods. The food was still good so I’ll probably be taking that home with me.”

Like most people his age, Anthony did not know how to prepare food beyond sticking something in the microwave for a few minutes. Anthony’s parents were reportedly charged with Unintentional Manslaughter this morning for never teaching their son how to properly feed himself.

“I just don’t understand how we can be at blame here,” said Anthony’s mother. “The truth is, I never learned to cook myself. We’re a microwave family. Always have been, always will be. I don’t know why my son didn’t just order takeout.”

“The police are looking in the wrong direction,” said Anthony’s father. “A lot of people knew our son relied heavily on his microwave. Anyone could’ve broken into his apartment and sabotaged the machine. You make a lot of enemies in the software engineering business. I just hope the police find whoever actually did this.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.