police

Body Cams Becoming Increasingly Popular Among Nation’s Drunks

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Body cameras were in the news years ago when they were believed to be the solution to the rampant police brutality seen across the United States. Now, they’re back in the news after a recent study revealed that body cams have become popular among America’s drunks, who don the devices before a night out in order to counteract the effects of blackouts.

“I go out with my buddies every night,” says construction worker Sean Rabe, “and almost every morning my face stings and I can’t remember why. Thanks to my body cam, I now know it’s because I get slapped by nearly 200 women every night after I drunkenly hit on them.”

So far there have been no recorded incidents where a body cam has prevented illegal, dangerous, or offensive behavior among drunken Americans. They have only been used to fill in memory gaps and allow drunkards to witness the happiest moments of their lives.

“I always wondered why I wake up in hospitals after every time I drink too much,” says Paola Routh, a stay-at-home mom and longtime user of recreational surveillance equipment. “I thought I was getting into some serious medical trouble each night, but it turns out drunk me just really likes flirting with the terminally ill.”

Most of these body cams are produced by Alcozone, a company that manufacturers other products for the habitual imbiber in your home. These products include a portable stomach pump called SmartGut, a drunk speech translator, and white noise machine that plays the sounds of a high school football game so that you can relive your glory days as you sit in a darkened room alone.

“I think it’s a great idea,” says police officer Vaughn McMichaels. “Between my job as a cop, my night life as a drunk, and my wife who’s into that sort of thing in our lovemaking, I’m cam’d up pretty much every minute of my life. And I’m loving it.”

You can buy your own drunk body cam anywhere electronics are sold.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Abandoned Car Likely Belongs To Depressing Man

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An abandoned car was found parked at a strip mall in Ewing, New Jersey early this morning. In a recent press briefing, authorities released details about the car in hopes that the owner can be identified.

“The car is a 2004 beige Toyota Camry,” said lead investigator Sergeant Barnabas Barbat, who assured reporters that he is fully aware of what a nightmare his name is. “We found a lot of crumbs in the driver’s seat but nowhere else, indicating that the driver often ate in his car alone. We also found various wrappers on and around the driver’s seat, all of which were for candy bars.”

Sergeant Barbat went on to identify the various stains found around the driver’s seat.

“There were no sex stains of any kind, which is rare for a car this old. Most of the stains we found were from various sodas. There were no coffee stains, so the driver is likely unemployed, and no alcohol stains, which suggests he’s a pusillanimous adultescent.”

Sergeant Barbat then paused and looked around the briefing room to see if anyone was impressed with his big words. Disappointed, he continued.

“The latch for the trunk was broken so we were able to check inside. We found a mountain of receipts, but all of them were from fast food restaurants and drug stores. Based on the receipts, we can confirm that the driver doesn’t know how to cook, can’t afford prescription medication, and has no hobbies whatsoever. We also found a perfectly untouched guitar, an old video camera, half of a novel manuscript, and various other paraphernalia from dreams that didn’t quite work out.”

The car was found in a parking lot on the corner of Drybeck Road and Prodelin Street, right in front of the closed Blockbuster that hasn’t been torn down yet. Authorities say that if you know someone fitting the above description then you should contact the Ewing police immediately.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Fox News Correspondent Not Sure What Slant To Put On Story About Transgender Muslim Police Dog

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Fox News correspondent Hunter Toddson found himself in hot water on Monday when he accidentally stepped onto a geyser that had opened up in his pro-fracking town. Yesterday, however, Toddson found himself in metaphorical hot water when he had to produce a news story for his local Fox station about a transgender Muslim police dog who rescued a small child from a fire.

“At Fox we put stories into two categories,” he said. “The first is the Light Group, which is stories that promote traditional values, American heroes, our suave and intelligent President, anything we want to shed a light on to show how great this nation is. The second group is the Dark Group, which is stories about immigrants committing crimes, liberal college professors spilling food, people who have choked to death on socialism, or other terrors in this country lurking in the shadows that we have to report on.”

Toddson says that this particular news story fits into both the Light Group and the Dark Group and he wasn’t sure how to handle it.

“Any story about a dog, the third most American animal behind eagles and freshwater salmon, belongs in the Light Group. Combine that with the fact that this dog is an authority figure that dashed into a burning building and you got yourself a solid positive slant story. But on the other hand, transgenderism and anything having to do with non-Christian faiths is clearly a Dark Group story.”

As more details about the incident unfold, Toddson found his decision became increasingly difficult.

“It turns out the dog’s parents were both immigrants, which ordinarily would put this story in the Dark Group. But the dog also served in Afghanistan, which is a Light Group trait. The dog also turned out to be a Trump supporter, which is Light, but I just found out that the dog is female. I just don’t know what to do.”

Toddson says he will likely toss the entire story and instead write a piece about the firefighter who stood up for his religious rights by heroically refusing to put out that same fire because it was in an atheist’s apartment.

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Loose-Cannon Detective Partnered With By-The-Book Cop

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Detective Jane Deckland of the Los Angeles Police Department reportedly became upset when her captain ordered her to take detective Barton Malloy, a so-called “milquetoast desk jockey,” as her partner. Deckland insists she works better alone.

“I single-handedly chased down a suspect on horseback while holding my sister’s baby in one hand and defusing a bomb in the other,” said Deckland. “I once had to prove my loyalty to a gang I infiltrated by snorting twelve different brands of cocaine at the same time. I’ve driven cars into speeding trains and steered runaway trains into speeding cars. I don’t need a goddamn partner.”

Deckland’s commanding officer, Captain Tyshawn Wilkes, says that Los Angeles is hemorrhaging money because of all the active lawsuits against the city whenever Deckland does something over the top.

“You’re out of control, Deckland,” Wilkes reportedly shouted at his best detective. “We can’t have you running around the city loose and wild anymore. You need to be put on a leash, like they did with my teenage son after he bit his teacher.”

Deckland became so livid that she yelled, threw objects around the room, and repeatedly fired her weapon at the sun.

Detective Malloy was also not happy with the new assignment. Malloy says he’s comfortable working desk duty and isn’t thrilled about returning to the field for the first time in thirteen years.

“My greatest dream in life is dying at my desk,” says Malloy, “because a giant racist tooth beat me in an arm-wrestling contest and then shot me. I haven’t had that dream since I stopped taking Percocet, but it was a pretty great one.”

Captain Wilkes says he’s confident that Malloy’s proclivity for caution and Birkenstocks is exactly what will keep Deckland in line, and that Deckland’s determination and .45 Magnum will teach Malloy to be a little more assertive. Their cases will likely be assigned weekly and will wrap up nicely in a thirty-minute block, with commercials.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips for Trick-or-Treat Safety

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Trick-or-treating is been a favorite Halloween tradition among youngsters ever since the 13th century B.C.E. Unfortunately, however, it has become one of the most dangerous activities for children ever since the white man invaded sacred ground, so follow these 13 tips for a safe night of looting your neighbor’s homes for sugar and the worst thing you’ll get this year is a bellyache!

 

1. Dress up as a giant ball of light so you can be seen by oncoming traffic.

2. Make sure everyone in your company is trick-or-treating with police dogs that can sniff out any tampered candy.

3. It’s a little-known fact that clowns are terrified of sawdust, so in the wake of recent “killer clown” sightings across the country it’s a good idea to cover yourself in sacks of sawdust.

4. Litter your neighborhood with landmines so if you ever get chased by a maniac you can lead them to their unwitting demise.

5. Wear a thick, heavy raincoat. Climate Change could strike at any moment.

6. Millions of American children die in accidents every year because they text while trick-or-treating. Don’t be one of them.

7. Get all your trick-or-treating done before sundown. You’ll get the best candy, be much safer and give your classmates something to laugh about.

8. On Halloween you’re just as susceptible to germs as ever, so dress up as a bar of soap.

9. If you’re an adult concerned about the safety of neighborhood children, pick a young trick-or-treater and follow him or her around in your car all night.

10. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Clinton supporters, you’re liable to get healthy treats.

11. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Trump supporters, you’re liable to get shot.

12. Just buy candy.

13. Murder clowns and serial killers are out there, be always stay vigilant for the real killer of Halloween – diabetes.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Increase of Mandatory Cameras on Police Uniforms Forcing Officers to Resort to Verbal Abuse

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With the recent, dramatic and unexplained increase in police brutality, many police forces are requiring their officers to wear cameras on their vests at all times so that cases of physical abuses of power can be recorded. Most of these cameras do not come equipped with microphones, however, resulting in a growing number of law enforcement officers to instead verbally abuse suspects with the same amount of brutality as physical force would have.

“I guess it started with him calling me names,” says Brian Watkins, a 30-year-old mechanic charged with verbally assaulting a police officer. “I was not speaking; I did not do anything to provoke him. And then out of the blue he starts calling me names. ‘Nerd,’ ‘freakazoid,’ ‘poop breath,’ things that really get to you.”

Watkins is not the only one. Other men have come forward with similar stories.

“I was just walking down the street, minding my own business,” says Dave Peterson. “Then I start hearing the racial slang. ‘Cracker,’ ‘whitey,’ things like that. I turned around and it was a police officer, but what shocked me most is that he was white. And I’m white. He was being racist against his own goddamn race. At one point he told me that it was a slow week and he had to abuse someone in someway and I was just there.”

Many city officials have begun drafting plans to have microphones attached to the vests of law enforcement officers as well, but most speculate that the truly racist and motivated members of any police force will take the time to learn American Sign Language if it means being able to abuse or talk down to someone.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Black Cop Unsure Who to Hate

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Officer Travis McCormick, a black police officer from Kentucky, has reportedly had a difficult time figuring out whom to hate ever since police brutality and racial discrimination have become popular topics of media controversy.

“I used to be able to pull over speeders regardless of their race,” said McCormick. “Now I can’t pull over black drivers without feeling guilty or white drivers without being accused of racism.”

McCormick says that everything about his job and his life is starting to revolve around racial unrest, which puts the long-time officer in a general state of confusion.

“Often my fellow officers will joke around and ask me how my day was robbing convenient stores and stealing cars,” continued McCormick. “Then a few black people I meet while I’m in uniform will ask me how my day beating and strangling minorities is going. I don’t do either of those things, and I don’t know which one I find more offensive.”

McCormick has managed to find a positive to being stuck between two worlds, however.

“In my precinct all police officers are required to arrest no less than six black suspects a month. Any officer in this town is lucky to come across six criminals in a year, so usually I just place myself under arrest and then let myself go after letting myself sit in my squad car for a few hours. All the other officers think all black people look the same, so I haven’t been caught yet.”

 

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man’s Microwave Breaks, Starves

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Anthony Gremble, a 26-year-old software engineer from Rhode Island, was found dead in his apartment this past Sunday. Anthony had apparently starved to death after his microwave broke and he couldn’t heat up any food.

“He was lying face-down in the kitchen, trying to figure out how fruit works from the looks of it,” said Officer Dave Chapel, the first to arrive on the scene. “Of course we didn’t officially know how it happened until the autopsy but anyone could guess. The time display on the microwave was blank and his freezer was full of uneaten frozen foods. The food was still good so I’ll probably be taking that home with me.”

Like most people his age, Anthony did not know how to prepare food beyond sticking something in the microwave for a few minutes. Anthony’s parents were reportedly charged with Unintentional Manslaughter this morning for never teaching their son how to properly feed himself.

“I just don’t understand how we can be at blame here,” said Anthony’s mother. “The truth is, I never learned to cook myself. We’re a microwave family. Always have been, always will be. I don’t know why my son didn’t just order takeout.”

“The police are looking in the wrong direction,” said Anthony’s father. “A lot of people knew our son relied heavily on his microwave. Anyone could’ve broken into his apartment and sabotaged the machine. You make a lot of enemies in the software engineering business. I just hope the police find whoever actually did this.”

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Fear Grips Town Following Strange Meteorite Crash

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A bizarre meteorite crash occurred last Sunday night just outside of the small, secluded suburb of Pleasant Falls in western Maryland. Since then, some of the townsfolk have been exhibiting abnormal, distant behavior that has put other members of the town in a fearful state.

Many people who witnessed the crash say that the meteor was green and produced a high-pitched metallic whine as it careened over the town and landed in a nearby forest. Eyewitnesses say that the region of the forest where the meteorite landed started glowing green immediately following the crash.

Five denizens of Pleasant Falls reportedly left their homes to investigate the glowing lights and the strange meteorite. No one in the town saw them return, however they were seen around town going about their daily lives the following morning. When asked about their experience, the five people appeared distant and responded incoherently. Many witnesses say that the five were perplexed by ordinary devices such as cars and cell phones; some would wander through the street and forget who they were. No action was taken to assist them.

The following day, two close relatives or friends of each of the five original victims also began exhibiting symptoms of confusion and vapidity. Like the first, the people of the second day began acting abnormally. They showed no emotion, did not make eye contact and dropped contractions when they spoke. Today is the third day in a row and the pattern has continued, spreading now to nearly 30 members of Pleasant Falls.

Fear has gripped the town but the authorities insist that everything is fine. “There is nothing to be concerned about,” said Police Chief Buck Spencer. “After a careful investigation we have concluded that there is nothing abnormal occurring within our town. If you are feeling uneasy or afraid, please visit the forest and you will know what it is like to feel free. Visit the forest and you will no longer be afraid. The answers to all of your questions are available in the forest.”

Police Chief Spencer then left us and stood in a corner to stare at a blank wall for forty-five minutes.

 

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Loose Cannon Cop Waits Until Last Minute to File Paperwork

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Sgt. Jack McMahon of the Los Angles police department was nearly suspended yesterday for periodically filing his paperwork at the last possible minute.

McMahon is known throughout the precinct for always breaking the rules and doing things his own way. Some of the other stunts he’s pulled include leaving his badge on his desk while getting a candy bar from the vending machine, and not telling custodial staff when he uses the last of the toilet paper.

Some of the cops in the precinct admire McMahon’s renegade, plays-by-his-own-rules style, but others, like Police Chief Gunderson, feel that McMahon’s attitude is hurting the precinct’s image.

“His recklessness is costing this city out the nose,” said Police Chief Gunderson. “But goddamn it if he isn’t the best cop on the force.”

For a while, Chief Gunderson had partnered McMahon with a straight-laced cop who follows the rules and plays it by the book in hopes that it would teach McMahon a little bit about respect and integrity. Their partnership exploded, however, when McMahon’s partner caught the loose cannon doing his wife.

Sorry, that was a typo. It should read “…doing his wife’s paperwork.”

 

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.