Loose-Cannon Detective Partnered With By-The-Book Cop

Detective Jane Deckland of the Los Angeles Police Department reportedly became upset when her captain ordered her to take detective Barton Malloy, a so-called “milquetoast desk jockey,” as her partner. Deckland insists she works better alone.

“I single-handedly chased down a suspect on horseback while holding my sister’s baby in one hand and defusing a bomb in the other,” said Deckland. “I once had to prove my loyalty to a gang I infiltrated by snorting twelve different brands of cocaine at the same time. I’ve driven cars into speeding trains and steered runaway trains into speeding cars. I don’t need a goddamn partner.”

Deckland’s commanding officer, Captain Tyshawn Wilkes, says that Los Angeles is hemorrhaging money because of all the active lawsuits against the city whenever Deckland does something over the top.

“You’re out of control, Deckland,” Wilkes reportedly shouted at his best detective. “We can’t have you running around the city loose and wild anymore. You need to be put on a leash, like they did with my teenage son after he bit his teacher.”

Deckland became so livid that she yelled, threw objects around the room, and repeatedly fired her weapon at the sun.

Detective Malloy was also not happy with the new assignment. Malloy says he’s comfortable working desk duty and isn’t thrilled about returning to the field for the first time in thirteen years.

“My greatest dream in life is dying at my desk,” says Malloy, “because a giant racist tooth beat me in an arm-wrestling contest and then shot me. I haven’t had that dream since I stopped taking Percocet, but it was a pretty great one.”

Captain Wilkes says he’s confident that Malloy’s proclivity for caution and Birkenstocks is exactly what will keep Deckland in line, and that Deckland’s determination and .45 Magnum will teach Malloy to be a little more assertive. Their cases will likely be assigned weekly and will wrap up nicely in a thirty-minute block, with commercials.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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13 Tips for Trick-or-Treat Safety

Trick-or-treating is been a favorite Halloween tradition among youngsters ever since the 13th century B.C.E. Unfortunately, however, it has become one of the most dangerous activities for children ever since the white man invaded sacred ground, so follow these 13 tips for a safe night of looting your neighbor’s homes for sugar and the worst thing you’ll get this year is a bellyache!

 

1. Dress up as a giant ball of light so you can be seen by oncoming traffic.

2. Make sure everyone in your company is trick-or-treating with police dogs that can sniff out any tampered candy.

3. It’s a little-known fact that clowns are terrified of sawdust, so in the wake of recent “killer clown” sightings across the country it’s a good idea to cover yourself in sacks of sawdust.

4. Litter your neighborhood with landmines so if you ever get chased by a maniac you can lead them to their unwitting demise.

5. Wear a thick, heavy raincoat. Climate Change could strike at any moment.

6. Millions of American children die in accidents every year because they text while trick-or-treating. Don’t be one of them.

7. Get all your trick-or-treating done before sundown. You’ll get the best candy, be much safer and give your classmates something to laugh about.

8. On Halloween you’re just as susceptible to germs as ever, so dress up as a bar of soap.

9. If you’re an adult concerned about the safety of neighborhood children, pick a young trick-or-treater and follow him or her around in your car all night.

10. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Clinton supporters, you’re liable to get healthy treats.

11. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Trump supporters, you’re liable to get shot.

12. Just buy candy.

13. Murder clowns and serial killers are out there, be always stay vigilant for the real killer of Halloween – diabetes.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Increase of Mandatory Cameras on Police Uniforms Forcing Officers to Resort to Verbal Abuse

With the recent, dramatic and unexplained increase in police brutality, many police forces are requiring their officers to wear cameras on their vests at all times so that cases of physical abuses of power can be recorded. Most of these cameras do not come equipped with microphones, however, resulting in a growing number of law enforcement officers to instead verbally abuse suspects with the same amount of brutality as physical force would have.

“I guess it started with him calling me names,” says Brian Watkins, a 30-year-old mechanic charged with verbally assaulting a police officer. “I was not speaking; I did not do anything to provoke him. And then out of the blue he starts calling me names. ‘Nerd,’ ‘freakazoid,’ ‘poop breath,’ things that really get to you.”

Watkins is not the only one. Other men have come forward with similar stories.

“I was just walking down the street, minding my own business,” says Dave Peterson. “Then I start hearing the racial slang. ‘Cracker,’ ‘whitey,’ things like that. I turned around and it was a police officer, but what shocked me most is that he was white. And I’m white. He was being racist against his own goddamn race. At one point he told me that it was a slow week and he had to abuse someone in someway and I was just there.”

Many city officials have begun drafting plans to have microphones attached to the vests of law enforcement officers as well, but most speculate that the truly racist and motivated members of any police force will take the time to learn American Sign Language if it means being able to abuse or talk down to someone.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Black Cop Unsure Who to Hate

Officer Travis McCormick, a black police officer from Kentucky, has reportedly had a difficult time figuring out whom to hate ever since police brutality and racial discrimination have become popular topics of media controversy.

“I used to be able to pull over speeders regardless of their race,” said McCormick. “Now I can’t pull over black drivers without feeling guilty or white drivers without being accused of racism.”

McCormick says that everything about his job and his life is starting to revolve around racial unrest, which puts the long-time officer in a general state of confusion.

“Often my fellow officers will joke around and ask me how my day was robbing convenient stores and stealing cars,” continued McCormick. “Then a few black people I meet while I’m in uniform will ask me how my day beating and strangling minorities is going. I don’t do either of those things, and I don’t know which one I find more offensive.”

McCormick has managed to find a positive to being stuck between two worlds, however.

“In my precinct all police officers are required to arrest no less than six black suspects a month. Any officer in this town is lucky to come across six criminals in a year, so usually I just place myself under arrest and then let myself go after letting myself sit in my squad car for a few hours. All the other officers think all black people look the same, so I haven’t been caught yet.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Killer Advice #10 – How Do I Deal with a Stalker?

Hey ladeis! Im Brittany von Beuren and its thursday which means im back for another addition of Killer Advice on Circus Killer News!

This weeks question comes from a fan of mine named Sherri in Idaho. She writes…

 

Question: Dear Brittany, I’m afraid someone might be stalking me. Recently I’ve been getting these weird, unknown phone calls but when I answer them I just hear someone breathing. In the mail I’ve been getting these envelopes with no return address that are just filled with pictures of me through the windows of my home. And last week I heard the doorbell ring, but when I answered there was just a dead animal on my step, like a cat or something. And a note that said “Call the cops and I can’t protect you nomore.” I’m terrified out of my mind, Brittany. What should I do??

 

Answer: Thank you for asking me Sheri becos this is serius issue that shoudnt be taken litely. Ive dealt with meny stalkers before and have stalked meny men before so I know exactly what yuo and him are both goin threw.

First of all, DONT call the police. You dont want to risk it if he snot bluffing an in my a sperience most stalkers are cops anyway. The best think you can do is would be too finding out who he is and take maters into your own hands and too stalkerproof your home. Ill tell you how to do that now

So theres this great movie called home alone that have all the tips you will need but it will take alot of time to fix your house up like that. The best thing you could do if you wanted him to stop wood just be too fake your own death. This is something Ive done many many times so I could give u exact tips on that personaly. If thats not somethin you want than you could slowly do things to apeese him over time, like just leaveing out clumps of your hair and nails on your doorstep for him too pikcup. He wont hurt you if show cowopperation.

But in truth why would u wannem to stop? Enjoy the atention! Its hard to get that kindof divocean from a guy, a specially someone you havent even teased or did hand stuff with. Im sure he just wants whats best for you, I dont think he will realy harm you if you just sacfrice some of your freedom an do what he says. Whats the big deal?

 

Well thats all the time we have for this week! Keep asking your questions in the commnets or ask me directly on Twitter! Have a good week!! 🙂 ❤

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man’s Microwave Breaks, Starves

Anthony Gremble, a 26-year-old software engineer from Rhode Island, was found dead in his apartment this past Sunday. Anthony had apparently starved to death after his microwave broke and he couldn’t heat up any food.

“He was lying face-down in the kitchen, trying to figure out how fruit works from the looks of it,” said Officer Dave Chapel, the first to arrive on the scene. “Of course we didn’t officially know how it happened until the autopsy but anyone could guess. The time display on the microwave was blank and his freezer was full of uneaten frozen foods. The food was still good so I’ll probably be taking that home with me.”

Like most people his age, Anthony did not know how to prepare food beyond sticking something in the microwave for a few minutes. Anthony’s parents were reportedly charged with Unintentional Manslaughter this morning for never teaching their son how to properly feed himself.

“I just don’t understand how we can be at blame here,” said Anthony’s mother. “The truth is, I never learned to cook myself. We’re a microwave family. Always have been, always will be. I don’t know why my son didn’t just order takeout.”

“The police are looking in the wrong direction,” said Anthony’s father. “A lot of people knew our son relied heavily on his microwave. Anyone could’ve broken into his apartment and sabotaged the machine. You make a lot of enemies in the software engineering business. I just hope the police find whoever actually did this.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Fear Grips Town Following Strange Meteorite Crash

A bizarre meteorite crash occurred last Sunday night just outside of the small, secluded suburb of Pleasant Falls in western Maryland. Since then, some of the townsfolk have been exhibiting abnormal, distant behavior that has put other members of the town in a fearful state.

Many people who witnessed the crash say that the meteor was green and produced a high-pitched metallic whine as it careened over the town and landed in a nearby forest. Eyewitnesses say that the region of the forest where the meteorite landed started glowing green immediately following the crash.

Five denizens of Pleasant Falls reportedly left their homes to investigate the glowing lights and the strange meteorite. No one in the town saw them return, however they were seen around town going about their daily lives the following morning. When asked about their experience, the five people appeared distant and responded incoherently. Many witnesses say that the five were perplexed by ordinary devices such as cars and cell phones; some would wander through the street and forget who they were. No action was taken to assist them.

The following day, two close relatives or friends of each of the five original victims also began exhibiting symptoms of confusion and vapidity. Like the first, the people of the second day began acting abnormally. They showed no emotion, did not make eye contact and dropped contractions when they spoke. Today is the third day in a row and the pattern has continued, spreading now to nearly 30 members of Pleasant Falls.

Fear has gripped the town but the authorities insist that everything is fine. “There is nothing to be concerned about,” said Police Chief Buck Spencer. “After a careful investigation we have concluded that there is nothing abnormal occurring within our town. If you are feeling uneasy or afraid, please visit the forest and you will know what it is like to feel free. Visit the forest and you will no longer be afraid. The answers to all of your questions are available in the forest.”

Police Chief Spencer then left us and stood in a corner to stare at a blank wall for forty-five minutes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.