New Jersey

Abandoned Car Likely Belongs To Depressing Man

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An abandoned car was found parked at a strip mall in Ewing, New Jersey early this morning. In a recent press briefing, authorities released details about the car in hopes that the owner can be identified.

“The car is a 2004 beige Toyota Camry,” said lead investigator Sergeant Barnabas Barbat, who assured reporters that he is fully aware of what a nightmare his name is. “We found a lot of crumbs in the driver’s seat but nowhere else, indicating that the driver often ate in his car alone. We also found various wrappers on and around the driver’s seat, all of which were for candy bars.”

Sergeant Barbat went on to identify the various stains found around the driver’s seat.

“There were no sex stains of any kind, which is rare for a car this old. Most of the stains we found were from various sodas. There were no coffee stains, so the driver is likely unemployed, and no alcohol stains, which suggests he’s a pusillanimous adultescent.”

Sergeant Barbat then paused and looked around the briefing room to see if anyone was impressed with his big words. Disappointed, he continued.

“The latch for the trunk was broken so we were able to check inside. We found a mountain of receipts, but all of them were from fast food restaurants and drug stores. Based on the receipts, we can confirm that the driver doesn’t know how to cook, can’t afford prescription medication, and has no hobbies whatsoever. We also found a perfectly untouched guitar, an old video camera, half of a novel manuscript, and various other paraphernalia from dreams that didn’t quite work out.”

The car was found in a parking lot on the corner of Drybeck Road and Prodelin Street, right in front of the closed Blockbuster that hasn’t been torn down yet. Authorities say that if you know someone fitting the above description then you should contact the Ewing police immediately.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

5 Hottest Underwater Hotels

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70% of the planet is covered with water, and a whole 15% of that water isn’t filled with garbage. With so many amazing sights beneath the sea, it’s no wonder that underwater hotels have become so popular in the last few years. If you’re looking for a wet hot vacation spot this summer, then check out this guide to the 5 hottest underwater hotels that can be found in the depths of our planet’s oceans.

 

5. The Sand Castle Hotel & Spa
What makes The Sand Castle Hotel unique isn’t its luxury suites or its local underwater nightlife, it’s that the entire structure is made out of sand. Constructed over a period of 35 years by hundreds of mermaid child slaves, this sandy behemoth at the bottom of the sea reminds guests of how good it feels to get sand in every bodily crevasse. All the furniture, the silverware, the artwork, the bedding, all of it is made out of sand. You can do anything you want with the sand in your room, but remember that if you steal any of it then the hotel staff will send a herd of hammerhead sharks after you and they won’t stop coming until one of your hand’s has been fully eaten.

4. Solenaya Trubka
Solenaya Trubka is a themed underwater hotel where guests get to experience what it’s like to be on a soviet submarine at the height of the Cold War. Every night you will be awakened by various alarms that sound at random times. There are no restaurants, no shows, no services of any kind. Your room is just a small metal tube that contains a number of buttons, valves, and switches that no one tells you how to operate. The Trubka does not give out free soaps or bottles of shampoo, but guests are exposed to low levels of nuclear radiation, totally free of charge.

3. Vulcan Suites
This underwater hotel is really nothing to write home about, but it had to be included on the list because it is situated on the rim of an active volcano, which means it literally is the hottest underwater hotel in the world. Customer service is poor, the restaurants are unimpressive, and the furniture will spontaneously melt at times. They also claim to have “free HBO,” but what they don’t tell you is that “HBO” at Vulcan Suites stands for “Hot Body Ointment,” which treats the burns that guests invariably develop on every inch of their skin.

2. Trump Aquatic
Located off the coast of the New Jersey shore, this luxurious underwater hotel and casino used to be on land right on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Shoddy workmanship mixed with years of neglectful maintenance, however, caused the building’s foundation to collapse into the sea, where it now resides. Guests will find everything they’ve come to expect from a Trump hotel, including premium Russian pornography, no fruits or vegetables whatsoever, and copies of “The Art of the Deal” in lieu of hotel bibles that you will be charged for reading even if you just glance at it accidentally.

1. Titanica
Titanica is not only one of the most luxurious hotels that the ocean floor has to offer, but it is also one of the most controversial hotels in the world. Titanica is built inside the remains of the shipwrecked Titanic. Most of the ship was restored for the hotel, but some areas of the famous sunken ocean liner have remained as perfectly preserved as Jack’s corpse, which can be seen on one of the hotel’s guided tours. Though Titanica has received generally positive reviews, some guests have reported finding hundred-year-old body parts floating about their rooms. Additionally, activists have been trying to get the hotel shut down ever since it opened, arguing that a watery graveyard should not be thought of as a tourism spot. Titanica has subsequently been referred to in many publications as “the most offensive underwater hotel in the world,” though many believe that it’s nothing compared to Poseidon’s Autism Holocaust Casino.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Blogger Forgets Perfect Idea

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Jonas Krakauer, of Blue Ridge, New Jersey, claims he came up with the best idea that he has ever had for his satirical news blog, but he forgot the idea before getting to his phone or his computer. Jonas says he’s lost a number of great ideas this way, but he knows something was different about this one particular idea.

“It was so good,” says Jonas. “It was politically smart but easy to comprehend. It was bold, it was funny… fuck, I just can’t remember it.”

Jonas says that his blog, which has been running for over three years, is starting to slow down. He’s having trouble coming up with content and there are days when he sees little reason to keep it going. He claims this recent idea he forgot would have changed everything.

“I know it had something to do with space aliens,” says Jonas. “It was like, space aliens going to a school, or the White House, or something. I think there was something about the Second Coming, or maybe it was the Second Amendment. Goddammit, it was so good.”

Jonas has tried recreating the circumstances in which the idea came to him to try and jog his memory. So far, he has been unsuccessful.

“I remember I was drying my hair and looking out the window at the same time, and I saw a woman walk by my house with a baby stroller. So I’ve just been staring out the window, trying to think, and every time I see a woman with a baby stroller I dump a bucket of water on my head and start drying. It hasn’t worked yet, but I’ve never washed my hair this much before, so at least I’m getting something out of it.”

Jonas says he might just give up on the idea altogether and instead write about how he can’t come up with anything.

“Obviously that would be boring for the reader, and so incredibly vain,” says Jonas, “but desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

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A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: The Beach

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For decades scientists and experts have known that the beach is just about the worst place to spend large amounts of time, yet that doesn’t stop ordinary Americans from flocking to the shore every warm-weather weekend. Recently, Circus Killer News sent an undercover reporter, Chelsea Realperson, to the Jersey shore to try and figure out what makes people return to these hellish scenes and how they manage to survive.

First, Chelsea sought to discover what draws beachgoers to the shore. After interviewing several people, Chelsea found that many meander to the shores every weekend to relax. Beachgoers are seemingly unaware that things like sitting, napping, and reading are all activities that can be done in their own homes. Aspects of the shore that beachgoers find aesthetically pleasing, such as “listening to the sound of the waves” and “smelling the salty air,” can easily be replicated with smartphone apps.

A handful of beachgoers said they enjoyed the sand but could not explain why. Chelsea asked if they were aware that sand tracks back to their homes and often hides glass shards, used condoms and discarded drug paraphernalia, and all of them shrugged those facts off like they were no big deal. As a test, Chelsea asked a different group of strangers if they would continue to frequent a movie theater, mall, public park or any other social gathering area if the ground there was littered with garbage, band-aids and bugs, and the responses she received ranged from “of course not” to “god, no” to “ma’am, please, this is a funeral.”

Many beachgoers report taking pleasure in laying on the ground and exposing as much of themselves as possible to harmful solar radiation. Instead of wearing clothes, beachgoers will rub chemicals into their skin or even take shelter under umbrellas, which are traditionally used for protection from the exact opposite kind of weather. Our reporter, Chelsea, attempted this “sunbathing” herself and was unable to feel the spiritual connection that most beachgoers report feeling with their Sun God, whom they often refer to as Uv. Soon afterwards Chelsea’s skin turned red, which she believes is Uv punishing her for her rejection of the beachers’ ways.

When wanting to feel active, beachgoers will often charge headfirst into the ocean – yes, the literal ocean – which is its own separate horror. Beachgoers enjoy sloshing their bodies around in this salty liquid-landfill despite the fact that it is often the site of hurricanes, drownings, and is the only place where sharks exist. There are groupings of attractive high-school dropouts called “lifeguards” whose job it is to keep swimmers safe from the oceans’ many terrors, but not a single one of them ever carries a weapon.

Chelsea was never able to figure out why people return to the beach whenever they can, and for that she has been demoted to an overcover reporter. One thing she did discover, however, is that regular beachgoers will continue this ritual every weekend from Labor Day to Memorial Day, or possibly the other way around. I forget which is which.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #03

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. June 13th, 2066 – Report: 60% of New Jersey Population Now Spray-Tan Grease Monsters

A recent survey of the population of New Jersey shows that 60% of all residents statewide have permanently morphed into toned, gelatinous grease monsters comprised of an unknown compound that forms after spray-tan chemicals, hoagies and creatine become situated in an organic being for too long. The grease beings have reportedly taken up residence along New Jersey’s beaches where they ritually lift weights, give each other tattoos and make big deals out of small disagreements over food and former sexual partners. Mostly the grease monsters just want to be left alone, however some occasionally leave the beaches in search of high paying corporate jobs for which they have no experience.

 

2. January 15th, 2022 – “Deep Fried” Now FDA Approved Food Group

Worldwide controversy erupted yesterday morning after the FDA made “deep fried” an official food group and declared fried foods an “integral and irreplaceable portion of the healthy American diet.” The FDA advises Americans to consume 15-26 servings of fried foods daily, deciding to incorporate the food pyramid as one half of a newly formed “food parallelogram.” The other half of this new shape is simply an equally large triangle labeled “deep fried.” Shockingly, the majority of American diets have remained the same despite the change, the only significant change in American lives was a nationally felt reduction in guilt.

 

3. November 4th, 3477 – Growing Number of Lunar Colonists Believe Humans Never Landed on Earth

A longtime conspiracy theory is finally gaining traction within the Lunar Cities as many Loony’s admit they don’t believe humans ever landed on the Earth. Many of them make the claim that all the photos, videos and broadcasts that allegedly originated from Earth have been doctored and that the entire history of humanity’s existence on the planet was fabricated to help win the Terra Scare between the now broken up Confederate of Orbital Satellites and the New Lunar Republic. These theorists also question why no Lunar City has attempted to get to Earth after the first few missions decades ago and that Scuzz Albright, a member of the first crew that allegedly returned to Earth after it was abandoned, is a puppet of the Vuvalrian brain parasite that attempted to enslave the human species on three separate occasions.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Repeat Restaurant Patrons Catching On That Soup of the Day is the Same Every Day

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Barnedelli’s Italian Grill became the site of a conspiracy last week when word got out that the restaurant was serving the same “Soup of the Day” each day for at least seven or so weeks. The story broke when frequent customers started chitchatting about the family-owned non-chain New Jersey-based establishment and mutually realized that they hadn’t been served a different soup in nearly two months.

Charlotte Edmunds was one such customer. “I was talking to my friend Isabel,” Charlotte told a reporter last week, “and we got on to how good the soup is at Barnedelli’s. And we both realized that the six or seven times we’ve both been there in the last few months, on different days, the Soup of the Day was always the same. White clam fish soup with basil.”

Charlotte then asked her other friends if they had dined at Barnedelli’s recently and found they all had similar stories as well as similar suspicions. It was then that Charlotte spoke with a reporter for the local paper. Hours after their meeting, however, Charlotte died in a car bomb explosion.

Isabel Ortega was outraged by her friend’s death and began speaking out against Barnedelli’s. Since then, Isabel has received numerous death threats by an unknown caller, warning her to shut up about the soup unless she wants to meet a similar fate. Additionally, the reporter that Charlotte spoke to has disappeared.

Rumors began circulating that a legal case is being filed against Barnedelli’s Italian Grill for starter negligence, but the restaurant’s owner has shrugged it off, saying, “Good luck gettin’ anyone to testify.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.