Blogger Forgets Perfect Idea

Jonas Krakauer, of Blue Ridge, New Jersey, claims he came up with the best idea that he has ever had for his satirical news blog, but he forgot the idea before getting to his phone or his computer. Jonas says he’s lost a number of great ideas this way, but he knows something was different about this one particular idea.

“It was so good,” says Jonas. “It was politically smart but easy to comprehend. It was bold, it was funny… fuck, I just can’t remember it.”

Jonas says that his blog, which has been running for over three years, is starting to slow down. He’s having trouble coming up with content and there are days when he sees little reason to keep it going. He claims this recent idea he forgot would have changed everything.

“I know it had something to do with space aliens,” says Jonas. “It was like, space aliens going to a school, or the White House, or something. I think there was something about the Second Coming, or maybe it was the Second Amendment. Goddammit, it was so good.”

Jonas has tried recreating the circumstances in which the idea came to him to try and jog his memory. So far, he has been unsuccessful.

“I remember I was drying my hair and looking out the window at the same time, and I saw a woman walk by my house with a baby stroller. So I’ve just been staring out the window, trying to think, and every time I see a woman with a baby stroller I dump a bucket of water on my head and start drying. It hasn’t worked yet, but I’ve never washed my hair this much before, so at least I’m getting something out of it.”

Jonas says he might just give up on the idea altogether and instead write about how he can’t come up with anything.

“Obviously that would be boring for the reader, and so incredibly vain,” says Jonas, “but desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Trump Budget Includes Gilded White House

Earlier today, President Trump released his proposal for the new federal budget under his administration. Details of the budget terrorized experts, polarized ordinary citizens, and gave the upper class something else to lie about. What follows is some of the details of the Trump Budget.

Firstly, nearly 30% of the federal budget will be used to renovate the White House itself. Trump will coat the entire building in a thin layer of solid gold in hopes that it will prevent atheists from reading his thoughts. President Trump has also admitted that working in the Oval Office makes him uncomfortable because it’s “too much like a woman’s sex bits, and not the fun ones,” so the budget will cover the cost it takes to convert the Oval Office into the long, hard shaft that Trump believes is “a more dignified and bigly structure.”

The budget will also cover the construction of hundreds of “Patriot Zones” across the US where Americans can gather and thank Trump for all he’s done for this country so far. These Patriot Zones will use military loudspeaker equipment to blast group prayers five times a day, several miles in all directions. Americans are encouraged to join in these prayers while bowing in the direction of Trump Tower.

The Trump Budget also sets aside money to allow for the construction of a border wall with Mexico, a large bridge between Russia and Alaska, and a moat to separate blue states from the rest of the nation.

Trump’s proposed budget will cut up to billions from federally sponsored programs for various reasons. Public schools will be defunded because “American children need Jesus more than books,” medical benefits for retirees will be slashed because “diseases aren’t real, I’ve never had them” and food stamps will be cut because “people should not be mailing their food, it’s a disgrace.”

Many politicians and economists are skeptical that Trump’s tax plan can cover the proposed budget. Trump’s tax plan calls for a total restructuring of existing tax brackets to be based on things like “blondness” and “winnering” instead of income. All that can be said for certain is that these steps surely puts America on the right track to be great again.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Vice President Joe Biden’s Top 10 Sexiest Moments of 2014

Circus Killer appears to be the only news outlet that recognizes Joe Biden as the heartthrob sex-machine that he is.  In an effort to bring the real Biden to light,  we compiled a list of the Vice President’s sexiest moments in the year 2014.  You’re welcome.

 

Jan 10 – Restored a ’63 Chevy on White House lawn shirtless.

Jan 24 – Pointed, smiled and winked at a female reporter who then fainted.

Feb 12 – Nursed family of abandoned, dying lion cubs back to health after their mother was killed by poachers.

Apr 4 – Stopped a tsunami from decimating the west coast after 30-minute dialogue with Pacific Ocean.

May 1 – Grilled over six thousand burgers while giving keynote speech at University of Delaware graduation ceremony.

Jun 14 – Became only human being in history to look attractive in American flag themed leather jacket.

Jul 30 – Out-drank Putin.

Aug 22 – Avenged the mother of those lion cubs from February.

Oct 4 – Solved more cases in one week than any other Vice Presidents on the force.

Nov 18 – Made dinner.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.