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9 Exciting New TV Shows For The Fall 2018 Season

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Now that autumn is upon us, it’s time for fall television premieres. This season of television promises to be an effective distraction from the existential dread that we all experience every second of every day. Here are the 9 premieres to watch out for.

 

Last Meal – Coming to the Food Network, this high-stakes cooking competition show pits four chefs against each other as they race to complete a death row inmate’s last meal. The chefs only have 30 minutes to get the meal finished and into the inmate’s mouth before the inmate is killed, and if they fail, they take the inmate’s place.

Hat Cop – Put your thinking caps on for this gritty drama coming to CBS about a police detective who always wears hats to cover up the shameful secret of his baldness while he solves a series of hat-related crimes in the windiest city in America.

Parades – This fall, NBC will be debuting “Parades,” which is just reruns of parades from the last several decades in no particular order. Parades is produced by the same team that brought you NBC’s hit reality show, “Barrel Scrapers.”

Stoker Memorial – A bold new hospital drama from the CW where all the doctors are vampires. Each day is a challenge for these supernatural and super attractive medical geniuses as they struggle to not slaughter and eat all of their patients. Stoker Memorial premieres this Wednesday after an all-new episode of Werewolf Virgin.

Top Judges of America – A panel of celebrity judges judges a panel of celebrity judges for the opportunity to be an official celebrity judge on a different celebrity judging show. It’s all the fun of a competition reality show, but without all those un-famous ugly people. Coming to ABC.

Running Thin – This show is coming to YouTube Red, so no one knows anything about it.

House Haunters – This “House Hunters” spinoff from HGTV features young ghost couples looking for the perfect home to haunt. Ghosts cannot be captured on camera, so every episode is just a real estate agent who is also a medium breaking into people’s houses and then having only one side of a conversation. It’s a show that’s sure to open our homes and lift our spirits.

Mystery Mouth – A new Netflix game show where contestants from the audience must solve riddles to figure out what a nervous old man is hiding in his mouth. Is it teeth? Is it the beach? Is it a handgun? Guess correctly and contestants have a chance to win whatever is inside the old man’s mouth.

Trump House – Set in the White House, this reality show coming to Fox will follow the First Family as they outsmart their leftist enemies while making America great again for us all. This is probably the most highly anticipated show of the season ever since a few months ago when Trump himself announced that producing Trump House was the only reason why he ran for the presidency in the first place.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

30 Common Phobias

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Everyone is afraid of something, whether it’s being in the dark, being alone, or being hit on by an octogenarian. There are so many different kinds of fears and phobias that it can be a little difficult to keep track of them all. Here is a list of the thirty most common phobias in the United States.

 

Autoincosophobia – The fear of getting hit by a car while indoors.

Millenophobia – The fear of young people.

Agoraphobia – The fear of Al Gore.

Fakillnesophobia – The fear of gluten.

Americophobia – The fear of getting shot.

Holicrapophobia – The fear that a sinkhole will open up in your bathroom while you’re sitting on the toilet.

Commerciophobia – The fear of being unable to skip, mute, or otherwise ignore an advertisement.

Phobophobia – The fear of developing an irrational fear.

Phobophobophobia – The fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Protophobophobophobia – The fear of encountering something that might cause the development of the fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Aloforevophobia – The fear of never landing a second date.

Enbeesiophobia – The fear that your favorite television show will get canceled.

Selleckophobia – The fear of exceptional mustaches.

Coulrophobia – The fear of being cool.

Marmotophobia – The fear of getting trapped in a “Groundhog Day” loop.

Pauppophobia – The fear of making eye contact with a poor person.

Netflexpirophobia – The fear that a movie or show you want to watch on Netflix will expire before you get the chance to watch it.

Ufophobia – The fear of being abducted by aliens.

Claustrophobia – The fear of Santa Claus.

Flatuvatophobia – The fear of farting in an elevator.

Arachnophobia – The fear of Iraq.

Forforforophobia – The fear that Wendy’s will take away their “4 for 4” deal.

Notextophobia – The fear that someone dislikes you because they didn’t promptly text you back.

Movonophobia – The fear that your ex is doing better than you.

Procrastophobia – The fear that you’ve been putting something off for too long.

Digifilinophobia – The fear that your body is a robotic skin-suit that is being controlled by a group of highly intelligent housecats.

Chipotelophobia – The fear of chipotle (the spice, not the restaurant).

Chitolepophobia – The fear of Chipotle (the restaurant, not the spice).

Gamothronesophobia – The fear of nudity.

Drumpfophobia – The fear that you’re about half has intelligent as you think you are, and that everyone is secretly laughing at you.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Comcast Offers New Sports Package That Automatically Censors NFL Players Kneeling During National Anthem

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Comcast recently announced a new sports package that will be available this weekend that automatically censors any NFL player who chooses to kneel during the national anthem. The package will cost $69.99 per month and uses the same state of the art censorship technology employed by the FOX Network to make President Trump appear like a sane person.

“Our Smart Censor software will mask any protesters in the NFL through on-the-spot cropping, tasteful blurring, and additional advertisements,” said a Comcast spokesperson. “Our viewers deserve to anesthetize themselves from the problems of the world by watching sports, not to be reminded of them.”

The announcement has been met with positive reviews among NFL fans, who believe this is an appropriate step to making themselves feel better.

“I get so angry every time I see a player kneeling during the anthem,” says lifelong NFL fan Dale Brumner. “As a veteran, I feel more disrespected than any minority in this country ever has in the history of the entire country, ever.”

Some have been criticizing Comcast for trying to capitalize on an issue that is dividing America, similar to when Dairy Queen offered a free Blizzard to anyone getting an abortion, or when Disney offered 50% off on all amusement park tickets if customers brought a gun. Dale, however, says it’s a brilliant idea.

“I would pay any amount of money to show that I love and support this country and condemn those who don’t. Kneeling during the anthem is a crime worse than taxation, and I’ll have nothing to do with it.”

The package will be available later this week and hundreds of preorders are already in. Several networks have announced that they will also attempt to circumvent the kneeling protests in different ways. ABC will play beer commercials over the anthem, CBS will show images of random Americans standing all over the country, and NBC has cancelled football altogether and will instead air a still image of the American flag every Sunday for five hours while playing the national anthem on a loop.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

9 Exciting New TV Shows For The Fall 2017 Season

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Autumn is around the corner, which means the world of television is about to start up again. Many of America’s favorites are returning, but there’s a whole panel of promising new shows coming out this year as well. Here’s a brief list of some of them.

 

Secret Poison – Coming to the Food Network, this show pits four chefs battling head-to-head in a deadly cook-off, only this time the judges take all the risks. One of the chefs is a professional assassin and has poisoned their meal, and the judges have to determine which meal is not the poisoned one before eating it. If they choose right all three rounds, the judges get ten thousand dollars each… but if they’re wrong it’s game over.

Double Time – He was an ordinary scientist trying to solve life’s biggest problem: how to not be late for stuff. Then, the experiment happened, and now he lives every day of his life twice. Now he uses his powers to stop crime, and probably also to reconnect with his daughter or wife or something.

New Earth – It’s a dystopian future where society has collapsed, monsters roam free, and nobody can be trusted. A group of teenagers must band together to survive the harshness of an unforgiving world so they can talk about their feelings. Coming to the CW.

Trump the Chump – CNN’s first game show gives its contestants the ultimate challenge; giving away cash prizes to those who can successful identify and answer questions about President Trump’s lies. New episode every 18 hours.

Comparative Minds – She’s a by-the-book police detective. He’s a quirky genius specialist. Together they make the perfect crime-solving team, as well as a dynamic so cliché that it’ll definitely work.

Mugger Wars – This weekly reality documentary on A&E follows various muggers around New York City as they jump innocent people and steal their personal belongings, then attempt to sell them for cash. It’s all the fun of “Storage Wars,” but more thrilling since it’s illegal.

Long-Haul Lover – This NBC drama tells the story of an average man in America’s heartland whose love for his truck is not accepted by society. Watch this emotional journey that teaches us to fight for what we believe in, question the status quo, and how to properly lubricate a tailpipe.

Bunker Hunters – Coming to HGTV, this show follows the same theme as “House Hunters,” only instead of searching for the perfect home, couples try and find the perfect end-of-days nuclear bomb shelter.

Vampire Lifeguard – An ordinary beach lifeguard has his life turned upside-down when he’s turned into a vampire. Now allergic to the sun, he struggles through his everyday life of keeping the beaches safe while fighting the urge to eat everyone he saves.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Oscar Facts You Never Knew

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The Oscars are this Sunday and the buzz has already started. Millions of Americans will be switching on their TVs to see their favorite stars, glitzy performances, and those nerds who win “Sound Design” or whatever.  But there are some things about the Academy Awards that you might not know, for example that the Academy Awards and the Oscars are the same thing.  Here are 12 more insane facts about the Oscars:

 

1. The first Oscar statues were anatomically correct. The non-gender-conforming model that is used today is the result of a petition by Jane Fonda.

2. Initially the Academy Awards ceremony began as a means of thinning out the Hollywood elite. Winners would be killed and have their skin converted into film.

3. Oscars are only coated in gold. They’re dark chocolate on the inside.

4. It is expected that by the year 2050, the “Best Picture” category will hold 35 nominees.

5. “Oscar Sunday” is one of the biggest days for gambling. People bet on everything from who will win certain awards to which actresses will cry the most to whether or not James Franco is wearing underwear.

6. Steven Spielberg is given an Award for “Best Director” every year.

7. 84% of men say they only watch the Oscars for the dresses.

8. Leonardo DiCaprio gave a poor tip to a gypsy who was working as a waitress. She cursed him, and he has never won an Oscar since.

9. It is rumored that the Academy will host a second awards ceremony next year that will be exclusively for minorities. The two ceremonies will be completely separate, but still equal.

10. Most winners are actually determined by a psychic octopus.

11. Every time NBC hosts the Oscars, they get cancelled mid-ceremony.

12. Nicolas Cage has won more Oscars than anyone else in film history, and film future.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 18 Most Interesting Moments in the Life of Brian Williams

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Recently,  NBC news anchor Brain Williams claimed to be in a US military helicopter when it crashed in Iraq.  The claim turned out to be false,  leading to an investigation in some of Williams’ other reports,  including his coverage of Hurricane Katrina.  The reporter’s life,  however,  is apparently full of astonishing stories that can be found in his autobiography,  “The Life of Brian.”  Here are 18 of the more interesting incidents from Williams’ life.

 

1. Shadowed Seal Team 6 on the night Osama bin Laden was killed.

2. Physically tore down the Berlin wall.

3. Played one of the penguins featured in  “March of the Penguins.”

4. Beat the Elite Four in  “Pokémon: Silver edition”  in under six hours.

5. Became the first of two people to have sex in space (along with his co-pilot Jennifer Aniston).

6. Inspired the events depicted in  “Taken 3.”

7. Wrote Tina Turner’s  “What’s Love Got to Do with It.”

8. Met Bruce Wayne at a charity function some years ago.

9. Won The Voice.

10. Rode to Lexington,  Massachusetts,  to warn Samuel Adams and John Hancock that the British were coming.

11. Once hunted ghosts with Dan Aykroyd,  Harold Ramis and  “A Black One.”

12. Broke up with Taylor Swift,  inspiring five of her songs.

13. Rescued those hostages at Nakatomi Plaza.

14. Was the first to report on the death of Julius Caesar.

15. Founded Starbucks.

16. Survived the Death Star explosion.

17. Died on the cross for the sins of mankind.

18. Reported the news on NBC.

Brian Williams also claimed to have created the internet and buried Jimmy Hoffa,  but Al Gore has come forward claiming responsibility for both of these things.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

19 Television Channels and What They Represent

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There are a number of good television shows this fall, but it can be difficult to tell if a show is worth your time. Often, you can tell what a show is like based on what network it airs on. Here is a guide to some of the more popular television networks and what you can expect from them.

 

NBC – Cult classics that get inexplicably cancelled.

ABC – The Disney Channel for grown ups.

CBS – Shows about young people as seen through the eyes of old people.

FOX – For those who have never been outside the United States.

The CW – Where monsters go to become attractive people.

Comedy Central – The official stoner network.

FX – What Comedy Central tries to be.

The Food Network – People you don’t like talking about food you might like.

OWN – Probably not for your demographic.

Bravo – Formerly a hub for operas and classical performances, currently a hub for other gay things.

History Channel – Aliens, swamps, and World War II.

TLC – The Learning Channel.

Disney Channel – ABC for children.

MTV – Teen dramas, nothing to do with music.

MTV2 – Reruns of teen dramas, little to do with music.

FXX – What?

AMC – Hosts all the shows your coworkers won’t shut up about.

HBO – Pornography, but with good story.

24-Hour Smooth Jazz Channel – Consistently the best thing on television.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.