10 Little Known Steps For The Presidential Impeachment Process

Within hours after President Trump was elected into office, Democrats have been teaming up with sane people across the country to figure out a way to legally remove Donald from the presidency. America comes closer to that goal as the Trump-Russia investigation uncovers new evidence, as well as each time Trump does literally anything. But what exactly does it take to impeach an individual from the highest seat of power in the free world? The following are 10 steps to the presidential impeachment process with which very few Americans are familiar.

 

1. At one point, a piece of paper with the President’s name is placed in front of a bald eagle. If the eagle eats the paper within 36 hours, the impeachment process continues.

2. The President will have to take part in a game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors” in order to determine whether or not he still gets to wear the Truman Boxers during the proceedings.

3. Trump will have to turn in his badge and his gun, and might never get them back.

4. The Supreme Court will probably have to do something or whatever.

5. The President will be asked to recite the Constitution backwards while touching his nose.

6. Every legislator calling for impeachment must give a video testimonial explaining why they think the President should be voted off the island.

7. If impeachment proceedings begin, Trump will have to write a 200-word essay on why he should be president.

8. Each of Trump’s key advisors will have to speak to Trump’s character after being reassured that they’re in a safe space where no one can hear them.

9. Every political impeachment, presidential or otherwise, must be cleared with the Illuminati first.

10. The CIA will have to hire Leonardo DiCaprio to enter the President’s dreams and extract classified information, although this procedure might be waived because Trump has already tweeted most of it.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump Budget Includes Gilded White House

Earlier today, President Trump released his proposal for the new federal budget under his administration. Details of the budget terrorized experts, polarized ordinary citizens, and gave the upper class something else to lie about. What follows is some of the details of the Trump Budget.

Firstly, nearly 30% of the federal budget will be used to renovate the White House itself. Trump will coat the entire building in a thin layer of solid gold in hopes that it will prevent atheists from reading his thoughts. President Trump has also admitted that working in the Oval Office makes him uncomfortable because it’s “too much like a woman’s sex bits, and not the fun ones,” so the budget will cover the cost it takes to convert the Oval Office into the long, hard shaft that Trump believes is “a more dignified and bigly structure.”

The budget will also cover the construction of hundreds of “Patriot Zones” across the US where Americans can gather and thank Trump for all he’s done for this country so far. These Patriot Zones will use military loudspeaker equipment to blast group prayers five times a day, several miles in all directions. Americans are encouraged to join in these prayers while bowing in the direction of Trump Tower.

The Trump Budget also sets aside money to allow for the construction of a border wall with Mexico, a large bridge between Russia and Alaska, and a moat to separate blue states from the rest of the nation.

Trump’s proposed budget will cut up to billions from federally sponsored programs for various reasons. Public schools will be defunded because “American children need Jesus more than books,” medical benefits for retirees will be slashed because “diseases aren’t real, I’ve never had them” and food stamps will be cut because “people should not be mailing their food, it’s a disgrace.”

Many politicians and economists are skeptical that Trump’s tax plan can cover the proposed budget. Trump’s tax plan calls for a total restructuring of existing tax brackets to be based on things like “blondness” and “winnering” instead of income. All that can be said for certain is that these steps surely puts America on the right track to be great again.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Realistic Ways Trump Could Get Impeached

Millions of Americans woke up today to see an internet meme get sworn into the office of President of the United States, but there is a ray of hope in this time of uncertainty. Many pundits believe that the pompousness responsible for Donald Trump’s success could also lead to his early downfall. Here are 14 realistic ways Trump could get impeached before his term is up.

 

1. Details could leak to the press about the time Donald helped his son Eric cover up a number of grizzly serial murders.

2. An open mic might finally catch him saying the N-word.

3. He might get caught “upskirting” the Statue of Liberty.

4. Supreme Court Apprentice might be a big enough disaster.

5. Trump could lose public trust by declaring war on fictional character Van Helsing for hunting down Melania’s kind.

6. People might start to catch on that the border wall is meant to keep Americans in.

7. He likely could disrobe during a press conference to show us all that “it’s still working down there,” in an effort to dispel rumors.

8. His tax returns could leak, revealing that he’s actually been paying the federal government far too much and has been a commie this whole time.

9. A push to get Harriet Tubman removed from the $20 bill will lead to a push to get Donald himself printed on that same bill, irreparably devaluing the USD.

10. Donald’s soviet Russian birth certificate might be released.

11. Trump could legally disown his daughter Ivanka to justify the statements he’s made about her.

12. The Illuminati might get their shit together.

13. Trump will attempt to nuke Switzerland for remaining neutral during World War III but authorize a nuclear strike on Swaziland instead believing they’re the same thing.

14. An inexplicable wave of sanity will overcome your elected representatives who will then use their power to support the people, make a better future for generations to come and unite the world. Oh, wait… sorry, I forgot these were supposed to be “realistic” possibilities.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump’s Immigration Policy Could Keep Santa Out Of US in 2017

President-elect Donald Trump took heat today when it was announced that, if enacted, his immigration policies would forbid Santa Claus from visiting the United States and delivering presents next Christmas.

“America first means North Pole second,” said Trump to a picture of himself this morning and then later to a group of reporters clustered outside of Trump Tower. “All our jobs are leaving this country, if you look at what’s happening, they’re going to China, they’re going to Mexico, they’re going to the North Pole. Obama has been sending these jobs away and they’re not coming back, folks. I’m going to bring them back.”

This statement has sparked outrage with parents across the country who rely on Father Christmas to provide the plastic, electronic shit that children need as a substitute to actual parenting.

“I don’t have time to go shopping for Christmas presents,” says Wanda Kirkmand, a single mother of three, “and I can barely scrape up enough money each year, too. Without help from Santa Claus I can’t guarantee my son will get the new desktop computer he demands every year.”

Santa Claus will be kept out of the United States with a ceiling Trump hopes to build over US airspace. The ceiling will attach to the top of the prospective US-Mexico border wall and then just slope down over the rest of the country.

“[Santa Claus] enters this country illegally every year,” continued Trump, “and we have to put an end to it. We’re gonna be winning the war on Christmas, believe me.”

When asked to comment on the matter, Saint Nick himself laughed off the scandal.

“I haven’t been to the United States in years,” said Mr. Claus. “There hasn’t been a nice child in America since the invention of color television.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Galactic Presidential Candidate Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 Running on Campaign of Intolerance, Bigotry

Galactic President hopeful Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 has made the oppression of Humans the focus of his campaign, saying that if elected he would close down Earth’s borders for good.

“Earth has been sending over its people for 50 years now,” said Xzzjylxxy-13 during a rally last Flermsday. “If we don’t do something about it now, the Sol System will be overrun with Humans that want nothing more than to take our jobs.”

Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed building a giant space wall around Earth to keep the Humans out, for which he claims he can make Earth fund on its own.

“I’ve met some Humans,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13, “they’re not good people. Some of them are okay, but for the most part Humans are rapists and murderers and terrorists. And I watch the news, I’ve seen the ‘astronauts’ they’re sending over here. They’re not sending over their best people.”

While many see this campaign as the bigotry of a demagogue, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has managed to gain a considerably large following in the short time since announcing his candidacy.

“Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 is preying on the fears of the galactic people,” said political pundit Jackomeyer Zguiche. “Many have accused him of being a racist. This is not true. He knows that many people in the Galaxy are racist, however, and he uses that to swing the numbers in his favor.”

Whether or not he believes it himself, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed that Humans intend to bring their Earthborn conflicts with them if they are allowed admittance into the rest of the Galaxy.

“Most of the Humans being sent here are grown men,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13. “Where are the women and children? If it’s really so bad over there, why aren’t the men staying over there and fighting?”

Many believe that if elected, Xzzjlyxxy-13 might even try to attack Earth once he realizes that building a planetary wall is impossible.

“We have the ability to bomb them from here,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13 in what some view as a threat. “I’m not saying we should do it, I’m just saying we could and we’d be better for it.”

It’s too early to tell how far Xzzjlyxxy-13 will go this election or even if he’ll win the primary, but regardless, this is shaping up to be one of the most exciting elections in the last 6,744,028,990 years.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News From the Future #02

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you three stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 23rd, 2028 – Google’s Hostile Takeover of Planet Earth Goes Off Without Hitch

Google’s hostile takeover of the entire planet officially ended last week in what experts are saying is the most successful and efficient business transaction in the whole of human history. This according to a board of business analysts, all of whom are of course now owned by Google along with the rest of the world. Many view the move was inevitable since Google took over the food industry in 2021 with the invention of Google Water, followed by its monopoly on the both the energy and medical industry after the success of Google Oil and Google Compliancy, respectively. Additionally, saying the word “Google” 10 times within one piece of written text awards any person 1 day’s extra Google Rations. Google.

 

2. October 11th, 2078 – Medicinal LSD Now Legal in 14 States

This morning, Delaware became the 14th US state to legalize LSD, a powerful and potentially harmful hallucinogen, for medicinal purposes to be prescribed by a doctor. Controversy over the drug’s legality spurred when a study released nearly 30 years ago revealed that LSD can help fight cancer, stop the progression of dementia and combat severe boredom. Drug experts believe that LSD’s growing acceptance is premature since the long-term effects of the hallucinogen have not yet been properly studied. This according to a group of flying purple horses that melted through my bedroom wall playing Paul Simon’s greatest hits on lyres.

 

3. November 6th, 2312 – First Half-Hispanic Transgendered Cyborg Woman with One Mole on her Face Elected as US President

Last night’s election results are in and it appears that Penelope Matrix Ortega will be taking office as the first half-Hispanic transgendered cyborg woman with one mole on her face this January. This is a huge victory for the half-Hispanic transgendered cyborg women with one mole on their faces community and a large step in the right direction for ethnic, gender, mechanized, sexual, and singular blemish equality. This was also one of the closest elections in the last 40 years with Ortega just beating her opponent Slurge Dirkman by two points. Slurge would’ve been the second space slug to be elected president in US history.

 

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Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.