Last week, a photograph of President Trump coloring a blue stripe on the American flag raised questions about how much the President knows about the country he leads. Over the next few days, a rogue group of White House staffers began secretly testing the President on American history and geography. Circus Killer News got an exclusive look at these tests.
“We figured out that the best way to test him without his knowledge was to make a game out of it,” said an anonymous White House insider. “We usually give him a blank paper placemat and crayons with the ten McDonald’s Happy Meals that he gets for dinner each night, but he always plays with the toys. This time, printed out a placemat of our own. We got him to use it by removing the toys inside each of his Happy Meals, and telling him that Hillary Clinton stole them.”
The placemat had a blank map of the United States, images of famous landmarks, and some basic trivia questions. On the US map, Trump was asked to draw in the state borders and label each state. Trump’s doodlings produced only 36 states, and he was able to identify only 15 of them. Many of the states that the President could not name were labeled as “the one where they all love me.”
The President then had to write out the significance of a handful of historic US landmarks. He said that the Statue of Liberty “was put there by the feminists who hate me because they are ugly.” He said of Mount Rushmore, “it honors presidents who made money and are on the money, and I have more money than they ever did.” His comments on the Washington Monument are too vulgar to publish.
Lastly, President Trump had to answer a few simple questions about the founding of the United States. His scribblings were hardly legible, but from what the staffers could make out, Trump seems to think that America was founded 2018 years ago, that Abraham Lincoln was the first president, and that the colonists gained their independence from Mexico.
The White House staffers who designed the test have not begun using the results to change anything, but they have begun drinking heavily.
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Written by J. S. Wydra
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