Trump Quizzed On American Facts

Last week, a photograph of President Trump coloring a blue stripe on the American flag raised questions about how much the President knows about the country he leads. Over the next few days, a rogue group of White House staffers began secretly testing the President on American history and geography. Circus Killer News got an exclusive look at these tests.

“We figured out that the best way to test him without his knowledge was to make a game out of it,” said an anonymous White House insider. “We usually give him a blank paper placemat and crayons with the ten McDonald’s Happy Meals that he gets for dinner each night, but he always plays with the toys. This time, printed out a placemat of our own. We got him to use it by removing the toys inside each of his Happy Meals, and telling him that Hillary Clinton stole them.”

The placemat had a blank map of the United States, images of famous landmarks, and some basic trivia questions. On the US map, Trump was asked to draw in the state borders and label each state. Trump’s doodlings produced only 36 states, and he was able to identify only 15 of them. Many of the states that the President could not name were labeled as “the one where they all love me.”

The President then had to write out the significance of a handful of historic US landmarks. He said that the Statue of Liberty “was put there by the feminists who hate me because they are ugly.” He said of Mount Rushmore, “it honors presidents who made money and are on the money, and I have more money than they ever did.” His comments on the Washington Monument are too vulgar to publish.

Lastly, President Trump had to answer a few simple questions about the founding of the United States. His scribblings were hardly legible, but from what the staffers could make out, Trump seems to think that America was founded 2018 years ago, that Abraham Lincoln was the first president, and that the colonists gained their independence from Mexico.

The White House staffers who designed the test have not begun using the results to change anything, but they have begun drinking heavily.

 

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Trump Suggests Declaring War On United Kingdom

On the morning of July 4th, 2017, US President Donald Trump made a tweet that seemed to allude to an upcoming war between America and the United Kingdom. The tweet came on the morning of America’s Day of Independence from the UK, and read:

“Still committed to Making America great again, like when we WON against weak low-ratings British. Great moment for US, will happn again!!”

While many Trump fans were quick to defend their lord and savior and pretend the tweet had no malevolent context, members of Trump’s inner-circle have confirmed that the President is looking to start some kind of a war.

“The President has wanted to lead the country through a war for months now,” said a white guy in a suit. “He’s been trying to choose the right country to start a war with ever since he first took office, but he hasn’t found the time to go through all his options due to his busy schedule of playing golf and doing what we tell him to do.”

The spokesman went on to say that the President may have already decided on which country he’ll go to war with, but he isn’t telling anybody.

“We know it’s going to be a country that America has already fought a war against,” continued the spokesman. “This tweet would suggest that England is the biggest contender, but I don’t think he’s ruled out the Germans, the Vietnamese, or the Native Americans.”

President Trump has also suggested in his tweets that he isn’t against using nuclear weapons in a war, tweeting:

“I’m a lot like Pres Harry Thurman b/c I will do whats right to end conflict and daughter Uma almost as hot as Ivanka.”

Americans will have to wait and see if a war between the US and the UK actually breaks out. Circus Killer News tried to send a team “across the pond” to see if the British were at all worried about a war, however the Trump travel ban and information embargo now includes every country in the world.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.