Trump Quizzed On American Facts

Last week, a photograph of President Trump coloring a blue stripe on the American flag raised questions about how much the President knows about the country he leads. Over the next few days, a rogue group of White House staffers began secretly testing the President on American history and geography. Circus Killer News got an exclusive look at these tests.

“We figured out that the best way to test him without his knowledge was to make a game out of it,” said an anonymous White House insider. “We usually give him a blank paper placemat and crayons with the ten McDonald’s Happy Meals that he gets for dinner each night, but he always plays with the toys. This time, printed out a placemat of our own. We got him to use it by removing the toys inside each of his Happy Meals, and telling him that Hillary Clinton stole them.”

The placemat had a blank map of the United States, images of famous landmarks, and some basic trivia questions. On the US map, Trump was asked to draw in the state borders and label each state. Trump’s doodlings produced only 36 states, and he was able to identify only 15 of them. Many of the states that the President could not name were labeled as “the one where they all love me.”

The President then had to write out the significance of a handful of historic US landmarks. He said that the Statue of Liberty “was put there by the feminists who hate me because they are ugly.” He said of Mount Rushmore, “it honors presidents who made money and are on the money, and I have more money than they ever did.” His comments on the Washington Monument are too vulgar to publish.

Lastly, President Trump had to answer a few simple questions about the founding of the United States. His scribblings were hardly legible, but from what the staffers could make out, Trump seems to think that America was founded 2018 years ago, that Abraham Lincoln was the first president, and that the colonists gained their independence from Mexico.

The White House staffers who designed the test have not begun using the results to change anything, but they have begun drinking heavily.

 

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Advertisements

14 Realistic Ways Trump Could Get Impeached

Millions of Americans woke up today to see an internet meme get sworn into the office of President of the United States, but there is a ray of hope in this time of uncertainty. Many pundits believe that the pompousness responsible for Donald Trump’s success could also lead to his early downfall. Here are 14 realistic ways Trump could get impeached before his term is up.

 

1. Details could leak to the press about the time Donald helped his son Eric cover up a number of grizzly serial murders.

2. An open mic might finally catch him saying the N-word.

3. He might get caught “upskirting” the Statue of Liberty.

4. Supreme Court Apprentice might be a big enough disaster.

5. Trump could lose public trust by declaring war on fictional character Van Helsing for hunting down Melania’s kind.

6. People might start to catch on that the border wall is meant to keep Americans in.

7. He likely could disrobe during a press conference to show us all that “it’s still working down there,” in an effort to dispel rumors.

8. His tax returns could leak, revealing that he’s actually been paying the federal government far too much and has been a commie this whole time.

9. A push to get Harriet Tubman removed from the $20 bill will lead to a push to get Donald himself printed on that same bill, irreparably devaluing the USD.

10. Donald’s soviet Russian birth certificate might be released.

11. Trump could legally disown his daughter Ivanka to justify the statements he’s made about her.

12. The Illuminati might get their shit together.

13. Trump will attempt to nuke Switzerland for remaining neutral during World War III but authorize a nuclear strike on Swaziland instead believing they’re the same thing.

14. An inexplicable wave of sanity will overcome your elected representatives who will then use their power to support the people, make a better future for generations to come and unite the world. Oh, wait… sorry, I forgot these were supposed to be “realistic” possibilities.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.