Body Cams Becoming Increasingly Popular Among Nation’s Drunks

Body cameras were in the news years ago when they were believed to be the solution to the rampant police brutality seen across the United States. Now, they’re back in the news after a recent study revealed that body cams have become popular among America’s drunks, who don the devices before a night out in order to counteract the effects of blackouts.

“I go out with my buddies every night,” says construction worker Sean Rabe, “and almost every morning my face stings and I can’t remember why. Thanks to my body cam, I now know it’s because I get slapped by nearly 200 women every night after I drunkenly hit on them.”

So far there have been no recorded incidents where a body cam has prevented illegal, dangerous, or offensive behavior among drunken Americans. They have only been used to fill in memory gaps and allow drunkards to witness the happiest moments of their lives.

“I always wondered why I wake up in hospitals after every time I drink too much,” says Paola Routh, a stay-at-home mom and longtime user of recreational surveillance equipment. “I thought I was getting into some serious medical trouble each night, but it turns out drunk me just really likes flirting with the terminally ill.”

Most of these body cams are produced by Alcozone, a company that manufacturers other products for the habitual imbiber in your home. These products include a portable stomach pump called SmartGut, a drunk speech translator, and white noise machine that plays the sounds of a high school football game so that you can relive your glory days as you sit in a darkened room alone.

“I think it’s a great idea,” says police officer Vaughn McMichaels. “Between my job as a cop, my night life as a drunk, and my wife who’s into that sort of thing in our lovemaking, I’m cam’d up pretty much every minute of my life. And I’m loving it.”

You can buy your own drunk body cam anywhere electronics are sold.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.