Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Disgusting Teen Refuses to Floss

Family and friends of Tennessee teenager Armand Watkins were distraught upon discovering that the 19-year-old Kmart box boy has never flossed in his life.

“I just don’t see the point,” Armand reportedly told his family last week. “Unless I’m eating popcorn or beef or something, I really don’t feel anything getting stuck between my teeth. And even then it falls out eventually, so what’s the point?”

Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam quarantined Armand after hearing about the teenager’s sickening habits, worried that they might spread to other parts of the state.

“We want to stop this problem before it becomes a major epidemic,” Governor Haslam told reporters during a press conference early this morning. “Not only will Armand’s breath become a major public health issue, but if we stand by and do nothing then Armand’s ideologies might spread faster than the foul odor within his mouth.”

The CDC has reportedly been trying to teach Armand how to floss and why it’s important, but so far he has been uncooperative.

Meanwhile, Armand’s family and friends can’t get over the fact that he has been neglecting his hygienic responsibilities for so long without them realizing.

“He seemed like everyone else,” said one of Armand’s high school friends. “He came to school like everyone else, joined clubs like everyone else, ate the things that everyone else ate. It shocks me to think that something like this could be happening right under my friend’s nose.”

“It is important that people know,” said Armand’s mother, “that our family does not condone this sort of behavior. We are as shocked as anyone that our son could be capable of something so heinous and we hope his actions don’t reflect poorly on his fellow white Tennesseans.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.