Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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SPECIAL REPORT: The Moon

Each night, millions of Americans stare up into the cosmos while succumbing to a bout of depressing existential dread. Often they will see an object that sometimes appears as an orb, sometimes as a sliver, and sometimes as a “gibbous,” which is not a type of ape. This object is called “The Moon,” and it is the most mysterious thing that can be found in the night sky, besides that constellation that looks like Donald Trump’s neck.

Every civilization in human history has had their own theory about what the Moon is. The ancient Egyptians, for example, believed the Moon was a god who controlled the night, the oceans, and menstruation. Ancient Floridians also worshipped the Moon, believing it to be a giant egg out of which hatched hundreds of swamp alligators every thirty days. And the Mayans believed that the Moon is just a giant rock that accreted with the Earth after a planetoid collided with our planet nearly four and a half billion years ago. We now know, however, that the Moon is actually one of God’s testicles that was severed during one of his many battles to protect us against super-powerful Nazi space aliens.

Mankind’s fascination with the Moon has driven some of the greatest achievements in the history of science. During the Cold War, the United States and Russia competed to become the first nation to put humans on the Moon in what became known as the “Space Race,” which is also the name of those aforementioned Nazi space aliens. Each country had its own plans with the Moon; Russia wanted to paint the lifeless rock red to have a constant reminder of communistic might orbiting over everyone’s heads, while America simply wanted to open up a McDonald’s on it.

As with education, healthcare, happiness, and general quality of life, America proved itself to be “Number One” by making it to the Moon first. Astronauts Lance Armstrong, Buzz Alderaan, and The Third One are still honored today for being the first men to have successfully walked on an entirely different world and left their stuff on it, such as a rover that needs to be gassed up, a flag that yearns for someone to pledge their allegiance to, and Armstrong’s wallet.

You might be thinking something like, “I don’t really care about the Moon because it doesn’t affect my daily life,” or, “maybe if I scramble up into that tree at nighttime I’ll be able to see into her bathroom window without her seeing me.” However, scientists would say that you’re wrong. The Moon affects virtually every part of our daily lives. It affects the Tides, by which I mean it influences your decision on which kind of Tide detergent you use. It affects wherewolves, by which I mean you can tell where wolves are if they howl at the Moon near you. It also affects your emo-shins, by which I mean that those who belong to emo, goth, scene, and other such youth fads can feel pressure in their lower legs whenever the Moon is overhead.

We might never return to the Moon, and we might never return the Moon to a safe distance away from humans so that it can no longer affect our brains with its moon rays. All that can be said for sure is that science won’t stop until it uncovers all of the Moon’s secrets and then leaks them to TMZ.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Feigns Having Children To Purchase Sugar Cereal Free Of Guilt

Howard Normstrom, a 37-year-old engineer from Plainsfield, Arkansas, was arrested on Tuesday after it was discovered that his children were completely made up.

Howard says he started the ruse when shopping for sugar cereal roughly six years ago. Howard recounts getting looks of disapproval from cashiers and other shoppers whenever he bought himself Lucky Charms, Frosted Flakes, or Sugar Splosion Balls. One day he casually remarked to a cashier that they were for his children, and to his surprise, the disdainful looks stopped.

“I was sick and tired of people looking at me like I was some kind of child,” says Howard. “I honestly don’t know why I said it. It just slipped out… like the time I called my college girlfriend by her mother’s name during sex.”

Howard found that pretending to have kids had other perks that fit his lifestyle. He could start buying action figures again without people judging him, watch Saturday morning cartoons with the volume all the way up without completely upsetting his neighbors, and order off of the kid’s menu to eat foods that made him feel safe.

In order to keep up appearances, Howard made sure to litter his apartment with toys and decorate it with various stains of unknown origin. He would keep pictures of toddler-aged Olson twins in his wallet as proof that he had children, who no one would recognize since society as a whole has completely forgotten that the Olson twins used to be adorable.

Howard was caught sneaking into a showing of the PG-rated film “Boss Baby” with two stray dogs that he dressed up to look like human children. His fellow moviegoers became suspicious when the dogs gave submissive barks at Alec Baldwin’s dominant, wolf-like voice. Howard will most likely be released since he did not commit any actual crimes other than being a total weirdo.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Rosh Hashanah

You might have noticed that every year at around this time, your Jewish coworkers are absent from work for a day or two. This happens not because they’re attending an annual summit in which all the Jews gather to discuss how they’re going to take over the world, because that’s a different holiday called “Chash Vanasha Chah.” No, the Hebrew holiday going on this week is called “Rosh Hashanah,” and it’s a celebration of sweetness, new beginnings, and wearing a wrinkled suit that hasn’t been washed since your freshman year of college.

Rosh Hashanah, which literally translates to “The Calendar’s Foot,” is the Jewish New Year, or “Jew Year,” as it is commonly known. Rosh Hashanah is always celebrated in the fall, but is always a different date. This is because in Judaism it is a sin to repeat the same thing twice, whether it’s holidays, prayers, or even jokes.

The story behind Rosh Hashanah dates back to the year 400 B.C.E. The Jews at this time were a group of nomadic shepherds and television producers. They found that as they traveled around places like Mesopotamia and New Jersey, the temperature would consistently change over the course of a year. The first day when it became chilly enough to wear a scarf was signified as the first day of the New Year. Many Jews still wear a scarf, or “tallit,” that their ancestors wore to show that they’re unsatisfied with the current temperature. It is also tradition among the Jewish people to inquire about whether or not the temperature of a room can be changed every five minutes or so.

There are many fun and exciting ways to celebrate Rosh Hashanah. Jews gather at their local “synagogue,” which is a place of worship and not a business term that means something about teamwork, where they sing prayers, worship their deity, and get an aerobics workout by periodically standing and sitting at seemingly random times and for unclear reasons throughout the service. The service is lead by a rabbi who spends the rest of the year hibernating in a giant jar of kosher goo. The length of the service varies every year depending on the day of the week, and certain prayers will change in importance, as well. This is because in Judaism it is a sin to repeat the same thing twice, whether it’s holidays, prayers, or even jokes.

Rosh Hashanah is notable as being one of the few Jewish holidays that does not celebrate overcoming some sort of persecution. Instead it is a time for the Jews to take part in hopeful activities such as reflecting on the past year, making plans for the new year, and reading words from a book aloud in unison. Many American Jews have also integrated modern-day New Years celebrations into their Rosh Hashanah traditions by getting drunk and making out with a stranger.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump’s Wall Won’t Protect US From Hurricanes, Other Disasters

A new report on Trump’s proposed border wall shows that the wall will not be designed to protect the United States from hurricanes, floods, and other natural disasters. This is despite the fact that this past hurricane season did significantly more damage to America than Mexico ever has cumulatively.

Trump’s wall will also not protect the continental United States from earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tornadoes, tidal waves, meteor strikes, diseases and plagues, bear attacks, domestic terrorists, serial killers, racism, homicidal robots, corporate greed, pornography, pizza burns, and numerous other things that threaten the lives of US citizens on a daily basis.

Since a majority of illegal immigrants are people who remain in the country when their visas expire, and not people who illegally cross the border, it’s difficult to speculate what the purpose of the wall actually is. Some speculate it is merely a branding technique, and that the wall will have the name “TRUMP” displayed on both sides from end to end. Others believe the wall will be thick enough to house large rooms and restaurants, and believe that Trump is trying to construct the longest, crappiest casino on record. Others still think the President is simply trying to mark his territory.

Regardless of the wall’s true purpose, President Trump is still scrounging the federal government for the money needed to construct it. Reports now indicate that Trump defunded every national science organization and nature reserve to make funds for the wall. Cuts were also made to education, disability, and the anti-alien laser satellite grid that former President George W. Bush installed in orbit around the US after watching the movie “Independence Day.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

8 Facts That Prove Climate Change Is A Hoax

With the media being dominated by fake news stations like CNN, MSNBC, and everything else that isn’t The Daily Caller, it can be difficult to tell the difference between a legitimate climate change report and a hoax. Like always, Circus Killer News went ahead to bring you all the facts so you know what’s real and what isn’t.

 

1. God doesn’t believe in it.
Climate change is not mentioned anywhere in the bible. If God hasn’t told us it’s real, then there’s no way it could be.

2. The Earth still gets cold sometimes.
If the Earth is really heating up then there shouldn’t be any more winters. The months would just go from November to March, but if you look at any calendar, you’ll see that this is not the case.

3. The Earth shouldn’t be the only world that’s changing.
People haven’t only existed on Earth; we also visited the Moon. If humans were truly a contributing factor to climate change then the Moon’s climate should be changing, too.

4. Electric cars don’t work.
We’re told electric cars are healthier for the environment because they don’t pollute the air as much, and therefore do not contribute to climate change. My neighbor drives an electric car, however, and he suffocated in his apartment last week, so clearly electric cars don’t keep the air clean.

5. There’s no way we’re melting the polar ice caps.
It is true that humans make places warmer; cities are often warmer than countrysides because of all the people, energy, and drugs. The polar ice caps might be melting, but since humans don’t have any civilizations at the north or south poles, there’s no way we’re responsible. Most likely the melting is due to intense polar bear sex.

6. Even if the ice caps are melting, so what?
Scientists would have you believe that if the polar ice caps melt, sea levels around the world would rise several feet, erasing islands and shrinking coastlines. What those scientists don’t admit, however, is that water evaporates into the air. If anything we should be having a thicker atmosphere, not a depleting ozone layer.

7. There are no “superstorms.”
Scientists have warned that climate change will lead the planet into a new era of highly volatile superstorms, and yet no tornado, hurricane, or volcano has every been photographed wearing the Superman logo.

8. Scientists lie all the time. 
The truth is, science has no real use in society. Scientists must lie all the time to try and keep their faux profession alive instead of getting a real hard-working blue-collar job. Other examples of money-driven lies that scientists tell are that vaccines work, that Pluto is not a planet, and that the numbness I feel in my left foot is somehow related to the 200 fluid ounces of soda I drink everyday.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.