Trump Quizzed On American Facts

Last week, a photograph of President Trump coloring a blue stripe on the American flag raised questions about how much the President knows about the country he leads. Over the next few days, a rogue group of White House staffers began secretly testing the President on American history and geography. Circus Killer News got an exclusive look at these tests.

“We figured out that the best way to test him without his knowledge was to make a game out of it,” said an anonymous White House insider. “We usually give him a blank paper placemat and crayons with the ten McDonald’s Happy Meals that he gets for dinner each night, but he always plays with the toys. This time, printed out a placemat of our own. We got him to use it by removing the toys inside each of his Happy Meals, and telling him that Hillary Clinton stole them.”

The placemat had a blank map of the United States, images of famous landmarks, and some basic trivia questions. On the US map, Trump was asked to draw in the state borders and label each state. Trump’s doodlings produced only 36 states, and he was able to identify only 15 of them. Many of the states that the President could not name were labeled as “the one where they all love me.”

The President then had to write out the significance of a handful of historic US landmarks. He said that the Statue of Liberty “was put there by the feminists who hate me because they are ugly.” He said of Mount Rushmore, “it honors presidents who made money and are on the money, and I have more money than they ever did.” His comments on the Washington Monument are too vulgar to publish.

Lastly, President Trump had to answer a few simple questions about the founding of the United States. His scribblings were hardly legible, but from what the staffers could make out, Trump seems to think that America was founded 2018 years ago, that Abraham Lincoln was the first president, and that the colonists gained their independence from Mexico.

The White House staffers who designed the test have not begun using the results to change anything, but they have begun drinking heavily.

 

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Hidden Details Of Trump White House Leaked By Anonymous Source

An anonymous source from within the White House has reached out to Circus Killer News with previously unknown details about the President’s daily routine. What follows is an unedited letter from that source, which our investigators have verified:

“The President starts each day the same. He wakes up at around 11:00 a.m. in his bed in the Lincoln bedroom, which is covered in radioactive sheets that keep his skin tan while he sleeps. He rings a bell as soon as he’s awake so that we know when it’s time for us to come in and dress him.

The President then has his breakfast in the Taft dining room, which is a sleeve of Oreo’s and a bowl of Lucky Charms with root beer instead of milk. The President forces us all to watch him eat his breakfast, and if any of us look at him in the eyes, we’re fired immediately.

After breakfast, the President is given his morning briefing. Military generals and intelligence officials will draw their briefings on construction paper in order to keep the President’s attention. The more glitter that they use in their briefings, the more likely Trump will notice it. The current administration spends over $4,000 on glitter each month.

We spend most of the day trying to find ways to distract the President. In the beginning we were using laser pointers, but he thought they were snipers and that only added to his paranoia. We figured out that we can dazzle him pretty easily with close-up magic whenever he starts trying to give out orders. If I pull a quarter out of his ear, for example, then he’ll spend the next half hour checking his body for more money.

For most of the day, Trump retreats to a secluded room where we let him watch tv and eat as much sugar as he wants. If he ever asks for anything, such as lubricant or pornography or his daughter, then we tell him that the democrats just made those things illegal and try to ignore his yelling. Eventually he crashes and we just put him to bed, then start over the next day.

So basically, we’re dealing with it. There really aren’t any surprises anymore. The next two years are going to be long and frustrating, but we’ll get through it as a nation.”

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump’s Wall Won’t Protect US From Hurricanes, Other Disasters

A new report on Trump’s proposed border wall shows that the wall will not be designed to protect the United States from hurricanes, floods, and other natural disasters. This is despite the fact that this past hurricane season did significantly more damage to America than Mexico ever has cumulatively.

Trump’s wall will also not protect the continental United States from earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tornadoes, tidal waves, meteor strikes, diseases and plagues, bear attacks, domestic terrorists, serial killers, racism, homicidal robots, corporate greed, pornography, pizza burns, and numerous other things that threaten the lives of US citizens on a daily basis.

Since a majority of illegal immigrants are people who remain in the country when their visas expire, and not people who illegally cross the border, it’s difficult to speculate what the purpose of the wall actually is. Some speculate it is merely a branding technique, and that the wall will have the name “TRUMP” displayed on both sides from end to end. Others believe the wall will be thick enough to house large rooms and restaurants, and believe that Trump is trying to construct the longest, crappiest casino on record. Others still think the President is simply trying to mark his territory.

Regardless of the wall’s true purpose, President Trump is still scrounging the federal government for the money needed to construct it. Reports now indicate that Trump defunded every national science organization and nature reserve to make funds for the wall. Cuts were also made to education, disability, and the anti-alien laser satellite grid that former President George W. Bush installed in orbit around the US after watching the movie “Independence Day.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

International Dick Measuring Contest To End In Millions Of Deaths

United States President Donald Trump has officially declared a dick-measuring contest with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un. The declaration came last Tuesday via social media when the President tweeted the following:

“Kim Jon Un doesn’t know what hes doing, doesn’t have the balls to use nukes. As you can see,America does.” The President tweeted this remark accompanying a picture of what could be his testicles, though some speculate it is an unfocused photograph of two raisins fighting each other in a desert.

Kim Jong-Un responded saying, “The President does not know what he’s talking about. North Korea has the power to be victorious over America. Our nukes are bigger than yours.”

Trump hopped onto Twitter to fire back, saying, “America is still Number 1 in the nukes and our nukes are biggest in the world, there yuge. Kim Jong un is WRONG.”

Hours later, King Jong-Un said, “The size of the nuke doesn’t matter, it’s the motion of the ocean that makes winds to carry the fallout all over your small country.”

President Trump then threatened to start a nuclear war with North Korea as well as any other nation that speaks ill of America’s size. A White House spokesman assured Americans that the President knows what he’s doing and that this is what Americans signed up for on election day.

“The President is committed now more than ever to his initial message of making America great again,” said the spokesman. “He’s doing everything he can to take us back to that great time when every American was terrified of nuclear war.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump Bans Gay People From Entering Direct Line Of Sight

President Donald Trump announced via Twitter this morning that he would soon ban any member of the LGBTQ community from entering his direct line of vision. The President allegedly made the tweet while sitting on the toilet at around 4:30 a.m. The initial tweet reads:

“The whole gay issue is distraction from Me from making America great. I don’t think I should see them and will be making policy!!”

After immediate backlash, Trump continued to tweet in defense of his remark stating that the cost of keeping members of the LGBTQ community away from him is too high as it is.

“The President’s not wrong,” said a White House spokesman early this morning. “Since Trump took office, the Secret Service has been trained to dive into the President’s eye line every time he accidentally makes eye contact with someone he thinks might be gay, French, or something else weird. Their suits get all scuffed-up; the dry cleaning bill alone is only adding to the national debt.”

White House insiders say this new ban will come in the form of an executive order stating that only heterosexuals are allowed within a 30-mile radius of the President.

Rumors around Washington say that in addition to the American-Mexican border wall, Trump plans to construct an anti-gay moat around the White House. The moat will be paid for with an “indecency tax” that will only affect people who do not identify as heterosexual.

Other rumors suggest that the President might want the White House incased in a “gay-proof” dome after he confirmed through Twitter last week that he’s certain homosexuality can be transmitted through the air.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump Signs ‘Trump Immunity’ Executive Order

Earlier today the President signed a controversial executive order known as the “Trump Immunity” order, which grants Trump and his family full immunity from any legal charges whatsoever. The order comes in response to the FBI investigation of Trump’s Russia connections.

Experts and lawmakers have come forward questioning the validity of the order, which Trump composed himself using crayons and the back of an adult color book prescribed by his anger management coach. The order is difficult to read, but from what legislators can make out it appears to exonerate anyone with the last name “Trump” for any past, present, or future crimes, and that anyone who tries to contest this will legally be declared a loser.

From the way the executive order is worded, pardons have also been granted to Trump’s family. This came as a shock to many political strategists who assumed Trump would instead legalize the actions of his family. Melania Trump, for example, married her husband and moved to America to escape being hunted in Slovenia like the other vampires. Many of her kind in the US voted for Trump thinking he would do everything he could to legalize vampirism, but instead he signed the Trump Immunity order to pardon his wife’s affliction. The pardon also forgives Eric Trump’s serial murders and Donald Trump Jr.’s various crimes against fashion.

Trump supporters across the country have been defending the order, saying the President deserves to be above the laws of mortal man anyway. White House staffers have denied the rumors that Trump only ran for office to dole out presidential pardons to himself and his family, but have confirmed the rumors that they will all soon be getting pardons as well.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump Suggests Declaring War On United Kingdom

On the morning of July 4th, 2017, US President Donald Trump made a tweet that seemed to allude to an upcoming war between America and the United Kingdom. The tweet came on the morning of America’s Day of Independence from the UK, and read:

“Still committed to Making America great again, like when we WON against weak low-ratings British. Great moment for US, will happn again!!”

While many Trump fans were quick to defend their lord and savior and pretend the tweet had no malevolent context, members of Trump’s inner-circle have confirmed that the President is looking to start some kind of a war.

“The President has wanted to lead the country through a war for months now,” said a white guy in a suit. “He’s been trying to choose the right country to start a war with ever since he first took office, but he hasn’t found the time to go through all his options due to his busy schedule of playing golf and doing what we tell him to do.”

The spokesman went on to say that the President may have already decided on which country he’ll go to war with, but he isn’t telling anybody.

“We know it’s going to be a country that America has already fought a war against,” continued the spokesman. “This tweet would suggest that England is the biggest contender, but I don’t think he’s ruled out the Germans, the Vietnamese, or the Native Americans.”

President Trump has also suggested in his tweets that he isn’t against using nuclear weapons in a war, tweeting:

“I’m a lot like Pres Harry Thurman b/c I will do whats right to end conflict and daughter Uma almost as hot as Ivanka.”

Americans will have to wait and see if a war between the US and the UK actually breaks out. Circus Killer News tried to send a team “across the pond” to see if the British were at all worried about a war, however the Trump travel ban and information embargo now includes every country in the world.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.