The 5 Worst Times That Someone Spilled Soup On Me

People have been unintentionally spilling soup on me for as long as I can remember. It is very annoying and very traumatic, but my therapist says that I need to share my story if I want to get past it. Here are the 5 worst times that I’ve had soup spilled onto me.

 

While sleeping – One night while I was sleeping next to my girlfriend, I awoke to the sensation of a hot liquid splashing onto my face, accompanied by the sounds of lustful slurping. To my horror, I saw my girlfriend and my best friend having sex in bed right next to me while eating soup together. It turns out they had been having an affair for several months. I have no idea why they were eating soup while making love, nor do I know why they had to do it in bed with me, but this was one of the most traumatic events of my life and I needed to go to therapy for it. The soup was chicken noodle.

While giving that big presentation at work – I was presenting a new marketing strategy to the senior board members for my company, which was a huge opportunity for me. About two minutes into my presentation, the company soup barer entered the conference room and began delivering bowls of soup to all of the staff from his rusty trusty unicycle. Sadly there was a terrible rat infestation in our building, and even a seasoned soup barer like ours was not able to avoid them. His rusty trusty unicycle slammed into one of the sturdier rats, and a bowl of minestrone he was holding splashed all over my skintight business suit. I had to perform the rest of my presentation while drenched in the hot minestrone, and I was so flustered that my boss fired me as soon as I was done.

During a job interview – It took me a while to find work after that snafu with the big presentation at my last job. After what seemed like a decade, but was really nine years, I finally landed an interview at another company. It was a printing company that operated out of the basement of a soup factory. I went in for my interview, and that just happened to be the same day that the soup-proofing in the ceiling failed. Some gazpacho drizzled onto my head for the entirety of my interview, and the guy who interviewed me was so distracted by it that he forgot I was talking to him. I didn’t get the job.

While at a basketball game – I was at a basketball game, thinking that it was just what I needed to keep my mind off of all these soup disasters. I was sitting in the front row. When halftime came, some cheerleaders came out with t-shirt cannons, but one of them accidentally loaded her cannon with soup instead of t-shirts. She aimed the cannon right at me and fired, and my face was smacked with some french onion soup traveling at 80 miles per hour. I was immediately rushed to the hospital.

While being operated on at the hospital – I had to undergo surgery immediately after the basketball game because of how badly the french onion soup messed up my face. During the operation, the lead surgeon became hungry and started eating lentil soup over me. He forgot to remove his facemask, and the soup spilled down on to my face. He didn’t notice his mistake for a long time, and lentil soup disfigurations were appearing as quickly as french onion disfigurations were being fixed. I ended up having to pay twice as much for the surgery.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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9 Exciting New TV Shows For The Fall 2018 Season

Now that autumn is upon us, it’s time for fall television premieres. This season of television promises to be an effective distraction from the existential dread that we all experience every second of every day. Here are the 9 premieres to watch out for.

 

Last Meal – Coming to the Food Network, this high-stakes cooking competition show pits four chefs against each other as they race to complete a death row inmate’s last meal. The chefs only have 30 minutes to get the meal finished and into the inmate’s mouth before the inmate is killed, and if they fail, they take the inmate’s place.

Hat Cop – Put your thinking caps on for this gritty drama coming to CBS about a police detective who always wears hats to cover up the shameful secret of his baldness while he solves a series of hat-related crimes in the windiest city in America.

Parades – This fall, NBC will be debuting “Parades,” which is just reruns of parades from the last several decades in no particular order. Parades is produced by the same team that brought you NBC’s hit reality show, “Barrel Scrapers.”

Stoker Memorial – A bold new hospital drama from the CW where all the doctors are vampires. Each day is a challenge for these supernatural and super attractive medical geniuses as they struggle to not slaughter and eat all of their patients. Stoker Memorial premieres this Wednesday after an all-new episode of Werewolf Virgin.

Top Judges of America – A panel of celebrity judges judges a panel of celebrity judges for the opportunity to be an official celebrity judge on a different celebrity judging show. It’s all the fun of a competition reality show, but without all those un-famous ugly people. Coming to ABC.

Running Thin – This show is coming to YouTube Red, so no one knows anything about it.

House Haunters – This “House Hunters” spinoff from HGTV features young ghost couples looking for the perfect home to haunt. Ghosts cannot be captured on camera, so every episode is just a real estate agent who is also a medium breaking into people’s houses and then having only one side of a conversation. It’s a show that’s sure to open our homes and lift our spirits.

Mystery Mouth – A new Netflix game show where contestants from the audience must solve riddles to figure out what a nervous old man is hiding in his mouth. Is it teeth? Is it the beach? Is it a handgun? Guess correctly and contestants have a chance to win whatever is inside the old man’s mouth.

Trump House – Set in the White House, this reality show coming to Fox will follow the First Family as they outsmart their leftist enemies while making America great again for us all. This is probably the most highly anticipated show of the season ever since a few months ago when Trump himself announced that producing Trump House was the only reason why he ran for the presidency in the first place.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Facts About ‘Home Improvement’

“Home Improvement” wasn’t just a sitcom about an accident-prone tool salesman raising three kids while making fun of overweight people and being as misogynistic as ABC would allow. It was also a show that defined a generation. Every week, fans would tune in to learn about tools, listen to grunting, and watch a convicted drug mule get injured in a series of easily avoidable accidents. But there’s a lot about the show that even its most diehard fans are unaware of, and some of those things are only just now coming to light. Here are 12 facts you never knew about “Home Improvement.”

 

1. Tim Allen was never told when his character was about to get injured so that his cries of pain and misery would be more authentic.

2. Richard Karn, who played the character “Al Boreland,” wore a fake beard for the entire show. The producers didn’t find out about it until just this past Tuesday.

3. Wilson’s face was never shown because the producers thought that Earl Hindman was too unattractive for television.

4. Pamela Anderson, who played “Lisa” for two seasons, was booted off the show because the producers thought she was too attractive for television.

5. Jonathon Taylor Thomas left the show early in its eighth season to try and start a film career, but that career ended abruptly when his ties to the communist party became public knowledge.

6. During the course of the show, Tim Allen fired twenty-three different production assistants for calling him “Tim Alan.”

7. In order to keep the character “Brad Taylor” looking as authentic and up-to-date as possible, a new Zachery Ty Bryan had to be sculpted out of a high-density polymer every morning before shooting.

8. Every scene of every episode was filmed inside Patricia Richardson’s house.

9. Taran Noah Smith was initially supposed to play “Tim Taylor,” but he ended up having a deadly allergic reaction to tools. Smith was then recast as the character “Mark Taylor.”

10. Even though the show took place in Detroit, most of the actors on “Home Improvement” grew up in Algeria.

11. Tim Allen only agreed to do the show in exchange for a reduced prison sentence.

12. The character Wilson is actually Anunochius, the God of Knowledge, who was banished from The Tower of the Divines for seducing the wife of Tilitak, the Elf King. As punishment, he has been trapped in human form for the last 3000 years where he has been whispering his wisdom into the ears of great men and women and feasting upon the hearts of newborn babies.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

5 Hottest Underwater Hotels

70% of the planet is covered with water, and a whole 15% of that water isn’t filled with garbage. With so many amazing sights beneath the sea, it’s no wonder that underwater hotels have become so popular in the last few years. If you’re looking for a wet hot vacation spot this summer, then check out this guide to the 5 hottest underwater hotels that can be found in the depths of our planet’s oceans.

 

5. The Sand Castle Hotel & Spa
What makes The Sand Castle Hotel unique isn’t its luxury suites or its local underwater nightlife, it’s that the entire structure is made out of sand. Constructed over a period of 35 years by hundreds of mermaid child slaves, this sandy behemoth at the bottom of the sea reminds guests of how good it feels to get sand in every bodily crevasse. All the furniture, the silverware, the artwork, the bedding, all of it is made out of sand. You can do anything you want with the sand in your room, but remember that if you steal any of it then the hotel staff will send a herd of hammerhead sharks after you and they won’t stop coming until one of your hand’s has been fully eaten.

4. Solenaya Trubka
Solenaya Trubka is a themed underwater hotel where guests get to experience what it’s like to be on a soviet submarine at the height of the Cold War. Every night you will be awakened by various alarms that sound at random times. There are no restaurants, no shows, no services of any kind. Your room is just a small metal tube that contains a number of buttons, valves, and switches that no one tells you how to operate. The Trubka does not give out free soaps or bottles of shampoo, but guests are exposed to low levels of nuclear radiation, totally free of charge.

3. Vulcan Suites
This underwater hotel is really nothing to write home about, but it had to be included on the list because it is situated on the rim of an active volcano, which means it literally is the hottest underwater hotel in the world. Customer service is poor, the restaurants are unimpressive, and the furniture will spontaneously melt at times. They also claim to have “free HBO,” but what they don’t tell you is that “HBO” at Vulcan Suites stands for “Hot Body Ointment,” which treats the burns that guests invariably develop on every inch of their skin.

2. Trump Aquatic
Located off the coast of the New Jersey shore, this luxurious underwater hotel and casino used to be on land right on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Shoddy workmanship mixed with years of neglectful maintenance, however, caused the building’s foundation to collapse into the sea, where it now resides. Guests will find everything they’ve come to expect from a Trump hotel, including premium Russian pornography, no fruits or vegetables whatsoever, and copies of “The Art of the Deal” in lieu of hotel bibles that you will be charged for reading even if you just glance at it accidentally.

1. Titanica
Titanica is not only one of the most luxurious hotels that the ocean floor has to offer, but it is also one of the most controversial hotels in the world. Titanica is built inside the remains of the shipwrecked Titanic. Most of the ship was restored for the hotel, but some areas of the famous sunken ocean liner have remained as perfectly preserved as Jack’s corpse, which can be seen on one of the hotel’s guided tours. Though Titanica has received generally positive reviews, some guests have reported finding hundred-year-old body parts floating about their rooms. Additionally, activists have been trying to get the hotel shut down ever since it opened, arguing that a watery graveyard should not be thought of as a tourism spot. Titanica has subsequently been referred to in many publications as “the most offensive underwater hotel in the world,” though many believe that it’s nothing compared to Poseidon’s Autism Holocaust Casino.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Common Dreams And What They Mean

Dreams are one of the most peculiar functions of the human brain. People will often look for complex or even mystical meanings behind their dreams, but dreams are much simpler than people make them out to be. This is because every function of the human body, including dreams, relates to sex, food, death, and nothing else.

 

Flying – Flying, floating, and levitating are all very common dreams. Some people even claim to feel the sensation that they’re flying when they’re awake and on an airplane. If you have a dream that you can fly, it probably just means you have gas.

Falling – Unlike flying dreams, falling is when you’re plummeting through the air and have no control over it. Falling dreams mean that your spouse is having an affair with their sky diving instructor.

Teeth Falling Out – Dreams about losing teeth, hair, pancreases, and other body parts are common among people who are stressed out. These dreams usually mean that a spider is crawling into your open mouth at that very moment.

Back In High School – This is one of the most common dreams for people in their thirties. If you recently had a dream that you were back in high school then the person you lost your virginity to has just died.

Sex Dream – Though it’s a common mistake, sex dreams actually have nothing to do with sex. They usually just mean you’re a terrible, wicked human being and that you desperately need Jesus in your life.

Being Chased By Something – These are more like nightmares than dreams. Some scientists say that they are a precursor to paranoia, but others believe they are due to mind control microwaves that the government is blasting into your home from that unmarked van across the street.

Getting Your Mind Hacked Into – These aren’t dreams, they’re memories. You’ve been incepted.

Your Own Death – Many people have dreams about when and how they will die, but these dreams are almost never accurate. In truth, dreams about your own death mean that you’re pregnant, or have just gotten someone pregnant.

Someone Else’s Death – Unlike dreaming about your own death, this type of dream is completely real. Start saying your goodbyes.

William H. Macy – Humans have been having dreams about William H. Macy for thousands of years. Scientists still don’t know what these dreams signify.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Simple Car Maintenance Tips That Anyone Can Follow

Owning a car can be a big responsibility. There are a lot of parts, which means lots of upkeep that can be difficult for people to understand. Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to make sure your car is in tip-top shape without needing a degree from any of the big name mechanic colleges. Here are a few of those tips.

 

Your blinkers can freeze up if you use them too much, so only use your turn signals about 20% of the time.

Wiper blades need to be changed every year, and the sharper the blade, the longer they last. You can go up to five years without replacing your wiper blades if you use samurai swords instead.

Make sure you regularly clean out the grill on the front of your car, otherwise any burgers you make on it are going to taste like leaves.

Check the air in your tires every few months. It should only take a couple of puffs from your own lungs to get a flat tire full again.

Always keep a spare tire somewhere. It doesn’t hurt to also keep a spare muffler, a spare battery, spare headlights… in fact, you might just want to tow a spare car around with you.

A car won’t start unless its cup holders are working. Check them as often as you can.

Many modern cars have a backup camera. Be sure to clean this camera whenever it gets dirty so that you can continue spying on all the squirrels in your neighborhood to see what they’re up to.

Be certain that your car’s spaghetti oven is working properly before going on long drives. You don’t want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere without access to any spaghetti.

When fueling your car, be sure to spray some gasoline all around the intake to lube everything up before sticking it in.

Keeping a wrench in your car is always helpful because hitting any broken thing with a wrench will almost always fix it.

Make sure you get your oil changed regularly, but only by a licensed doctor. Have a mechanic do the same thing with your car, too.

It’s always good to get your brakes checked whenever you can, but ultimately they’re not important. You’ll get to where you’re going faster if you don’t use the brakes at all.

Be certain that you car has plenty of headlight fluid so that you can make dated references that no one else will get.

If you have a self-driving car, remember to stock up on pillows and blankets to ensure that you have the most restful driving experience possible.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

What Your Favorite Color Says About You

According to psychics, mystics, and that weird girl my mother keeps trying to set me up with, every human exudes an aura that vibrates at a different color frequency. Most people don’t know this, but the color of a person’s aura can affect their personality just as much as their astrological sign, and people unwittingly choose that color as their favorite. This is why colorblind people have no souls.

The following is a guide to what your favorite color says about how you are, how you live, and what clothes you’ll be wearing when you die.

 

Purple: Purple is the color of royalty, wealth, and psychedelic acid trips. If this is your favorite color then you’re probably high right now.

Blue: Blue is a soft, calming color that is often favored by people trying to suppress their homicidal tendencies.

Orange: This is a color favored by optimists, grade school teachers, and people who make running part of their personality.

Silver: Everyone whose favorite color is silver is either a werewolf hunter or a younger sibling.

Green: People who like green are good with nature. They like to remain neutral, be independent, and cost Hillary the election.

White: Due to its association with purity and cleanliness, white is typically the favorite color of crazy people.

Indigo: Ever since scientists announced that Indigo was no longer part of the rainbow, everyone on the planet who liked this color disappeared. Authorities are still looking for them.

Pink: People who like pink are often loving, compassionate, and develop an addiction to alcohol in their late thirties due to being trapped in a loveless marriage.

Black: If this is your favorite color then you’re just trying to look cool and everyone knows it.

Teal: People who like this color are often indecisive because they can’t choose between blue and green.

Yellow: Yellow isn’t anybody’s favorite color.

Frune: This is a color that only exists in the fifth dimension. If this is your favorite color then you are not human.

Gray: People who favor this color are detestably honest about the miserable absurdity of life.

Brown: Since brown is all of the colors mixed, people who like this color have every personality all at once.

Red: If red is your favorite color then you are a communist and I will find you and report you, you sonofabitch.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.