10 Tips For Creating The Perfect Dating App Profile (Women)

Last week, Circus Killer News ran this listicle about how men can construct the perfect profile dating app to attract just the right woman. Praise from our readers flooded in saying how helpful our tips were, but our female readers felt left out. To make it up to them, we decided to make a gender-swapped guide to help women make the perfect profile for any dating app. Ghostbusters.

 

1. Put your zodiac sign in your bio. Astrology is the one thing that all straight men know and care about.

2. Men are terrified of commitments, so don’t mention that you were once committed to an insane asylum after you said a ghost started the fire your fiancée died in.

3. Show that you’re smart but playful. Post a picture of yourself with only Scrabble tiles covering your private areas, for example.

4. Avoid phrases that turn men off, such as “equality,” or “fulltime mom,” but use phrases that turn men on, such as “succulent,” or “part-time milf.”

5. Feet are really in now. It would serve you well to post an image of your feet as your profile pic after having them professionally waxed, bleached, and shrink-rayed.

6. There are a lot of creeps out there, so be sure to include in your bio that your brother is a police officer or a Trump or a manager at a spooky theme restaurant or some other scary thing.

7. Guys don’t like a lot of baggage, so pack light.

8. If it comes up, say you’re a dog person. Statistically, dog people are more likely to have lasting relationships, more satisfying sex lives, and little chunks of meat in their pockets.

9. Be on the lookout for catfish who are only interested in pranking you or stealing your financial information. You can spot them easily; they’re all the attractive ones.

10. Most guys who use dating apps are just looking for someone they can introduce to their ex to prove that they’ve moved on, so as long as you’re blonder than average and put down “acting experience” in your bio then you’ll be fine.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Tips For Creating The Perfect Dating App Profile (Men)

Mobile dating apps are becoming increasingly popular among the young, the attractive, and the serial killers. But creating a profile for a dating app that gets the right kind of attention can be tricky, especially if you’re a nerd or a loser. To make it easier, try following these simple steps to creating a successful profile for any dating app.

 

1. Most women are attracted to money. Give off a wealthy vibe by using rich-people words in your bio, such as “transaction,” “boat,” or “escrow.”

2. Don’t wear a shirt in your profile picture. Any man who isn’t allowed in most restaurants is boyfriend material; women know that.

3. Be confident. Don’t ask her if she wants to get a drink when you can tell her that she wants to get a drink.

4. Be sure to show off your tattoos in your profile photo. If you’re coming here for advice then whatever you have now is not enough, so use crayons or markers to enhance.

5. Post pictures of all the animals you killed recently to demonstrate that you know how to protect her.

6. Women like men who are direct, so make sure your profile lists all the sexual positions you’re comfortable with.

7. Nothing turns women on more than the music of John Philip Sousa, so mention somewhere that you’re a total sousaphile.

8. 53% of women voted for Trump in 2016, so if you praise the Great Orange God-King in your profile then about half the women you match with will tolerate being groped indiscriminately, which is probably why you downloaded this app in the first place.

9. Smart is the new sexy. Show off that you own a smart watch, drive a Smart cart, and drink SmartWater.

10. Don’t lose hope. Crafting a successful dating app profile is just like using a public bathroom in the dark; it takes a lot of time and a lot of guess work, but if done correctly it will eventually lead to you contracting an STD.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips For Getting That Perfect Beach Body

With beach season nearly here it’s time for us all to shed our gross winter bodies and show off the normal attractive human body we’ve been gestating for seven months. But if you’re not a slug monster then you’ll have to get that summer bod a more traditional way. Here’s a few tips on how to fit into that swimsuit that you said you’d throw out last year.

 

1. Running is a great way to get in shape. If you need a little extra motivation to get moving, hire someone to kill you.

2. Cover yourself in a mirror suit so that no one can see your gross body. This will also keep you cool and blind anyone that annoys you.

3. Use an app.

4. Trying eating only newspaper and receipts for a whole month.

5. Be rich enough that your looks don’t matter.

6. Surgery is always an option. Try that one where they slice you open and toss rabid squirrels in your fatty parts.

7. Draw people’s eyes away from your gross body by going to the beach with someone attractive, such as a guy who’s attended business school or a woman whose father owns a boat.

8. Use a weight loss drug such as cocaine or meth.

9. Tattoo a skinny person onto your body to fool everyone.

10. Travel to the center of the galaxy and consume the singularity at its core.

11. Try one of those new slimming five-piece bikinis.

12. Hire a body double to go to the beach for you.

13. Join a gym. The effort it takes to get in your car, drive to a gym and fill out a membership form will burn off at least eight calories.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Little Known Steps For The Presidential Impeachment Process

Within hours after President Trump was elected into office, Democrats have been teaming up with sane people across the country to figure out a way to legally remove Donald from the presidency. America comes closer to that goal as the Trump-Russia investigation uncovers new evidence, as well as each time Trump does literally anything. But what exactly does it take to impeach an individual from the highest seat of power in the free world? The following are 10 steps to the presidential impeachment process with which very few Americans are familiar.

 

1. At one point, a piece of paper with the President’s name is placed in front of a bald eagle. If the eagle eats the paper within 36 hours, the impeachment process continues.

2. The President will have to take part in a game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors” in order to determine whether or not he still gets to wear the Truman Boxers during the proceedings.

3. Trump will have to turn in his badge and his gun, and might never get them back.

4. The Supreme Court will probably have to do something or whatever.

5. The President will be asked to recite the Constitution backwards while touching his nose.

6. Every legislator calling for impeachment must give a video testimonial explaining why they think the President should be voted off the island.

7. If impeachment proceedings begin, Trump will have to write a 200-word essay on why he should be president.

8. Each of Trump’s key advisors will have to speak to Trump’s character after being reassured that they’re in a safe space where no one can hear them.

9. Every political impeachment, presidential or otherwise, must be cleared with the Illuminati first.

10. The CIA will have to hire Leonardo DiCaprio to enter the President’s dreams and extract classified information, although this procedure might be waived because Trump has already tweeted most of it.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Ways To Enjoy Valentine’s Day While Single

Valentine’s Day is a great way for taken women to feel cherished and for taken men to feel poor. For the single word, however, Valentine’s Day can be an abysmal reminder that loneliness is the only true constant in the universe. Here are some tips you can use to stave those terrible thoughts away this Tuesday.

 

1. Tell people you’re refusing to celebrate this year because we shouldn’t take any focus off of Black History Month.

2. Spend the day with another single friend and see if your outbursts of bipolar depression sync up.

3. Eat enough chocolate to put yourself in a coma for the whole day.

4. Put some thought into that yearly Facebook post where you slam Valentine’s Day for being a made-up holiday used by Big Chocolate to increase their first quarter profits.

5. Masturbate.

6. Perform chores and errands that most people wouldn’t do on Valentine’s Day, such as doing your taxes, organizing your garage, writing your manifesto, etc.

7. Avoid Jen’s desk.

8. Visit a bar to prove to yourself that other people are just as alone and dysfunctional as you.

9. Tell yourself that you’re going to start working out so that you don’t wind up in the same situation next Valentine’s Day, and then assure yourself that this week isn’t a good time to start.

10. In the days before February 14th, place electrodes around your body that shock you each time you think of an ex. By the time Valentine’s Day arrives you’ll either be cured of your lingering feelings or go on a homicidal rampage.

11. Work on your erotic science fiction novella.

12. Go back in time and kill St. Valentine before he gets all those snakes out of Mary’s uterus or whatever it is.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Ways The NFL Could Really Spice Up Football

This past NFL season was the least watched in nearly a decade. Some sports experts speculate it’s because of the election while others say it’s simply the work of nerds. Regardless, if the NFL wants increased viewership then it’ll need to think of a few new ways to spice up the game. Here’s some ideas from a sports outsider.

 

1. The opening coin toss could be replaced with a pistol duel between two fans.

2. At any time during the third quarter, a player on the losing time can invoke his “sedan privilege” and play the next three plays in a four-door sedan.

3. Landmines can be scattered throughout every field intermittently.

4. At the start of the fourth quarter a small herd of zebras will be released onto the field. They won’t do anything; the players will just have to keep playing around them.

5. Get boobs into the game somehow.

6. Start a reality show featuring the player’s wives.

7. Start a reality show where players from different teams have to live under one roof.

8. Start a reality show where the referees and players swap wives.

9. Turn the whole sport into a reality show.

10. Do those slow-motion instant replays whenever a camera catches one player smacking another player’s butt.

11. Referees could throw down different colored flags that mean different things. They could throw down a blue flag, for example, to show that it’s about to rain or snow, or a red flag to say that they’re hungry.

12. Require each player to know a modicum of kung fu.

13. Let John Malkovich narrate every game but keep poking him with a stick so he gets increasingly agitated.

14. Jetpacks.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Realistic Ways Trump Could Get Impeached

Millions of Americans woke up today to see an internet meme get sworn into the office of President of the United States, but there is a ray of hope in this time of uncertainty. Many pundits believe that the pompousness responsible for Donald Trump’s success could also lead to his early downfall. Here are 14 realistic ways Trump could get impeached before his term is up.

 

1. Details could leak to the press about the time Donald helped his son Eric cover up a number of grizzly serial murders.

2. An open mic might finally catch him saying the N-word.

3. He might get caught “upskirting” the Statue of Liberty.

4. Supreme Court Apprentice might be a big enough disaster.

5. Trump could lose public trust by declaring war on fictional character Van Helsing for hunting down Melania’s kind.

6. People might start to catch on that the border wall is meant to keep Americans in.

7. He likely could disrobe during a press conference to show us all that “it’s still working down there,” in an effort to dispel rumors.

8. His tax returns could leak, revealing that he’s actually been paying the federal government far too much and has been a commie this whole time.

9. A push to get Harriet Tubman removed from the $20 bill will lead to a push to get Donald himself printed on that same bill, irreparably devaluing the USD.

10. Donald’s soviet Russian birth certificate might be released.

11. Trump could legally disown his daughter Ivanka to justify the statements he’s made about her.

12. The Illuminati might get their shit together.

13. Trump will attempt to nuke Switzerland for remaining neutral during World War III but authorize a nuclear strike on Swaziland instead believing they’re the same thing.

14. An inexplicable wave of sanity will overcome your elected representatives who will then use their power to support the people, make a better future for generations to come and unite the world. Oh, wait… sorry, I forgot these were supposed to be “realistic” possibilities.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.