The 5 Worst Times That Someone Spilled Soup On Me

People have been unintentionally spilling soup on me for as long as I can remember. It is very annoying and very traumatic, but my therapist says that I need to share my story if I want to get past it. Here are the 5 worst times that I’ve had soup spilled onto me.

 

While sleeping – One night while I was sleeping next to my girlfriend, I awoke to the sensation of a hot liquid splashing onto my face, accompanied by the sounds of lustful slurping. To my horror, I saw my girlfriend and my best friend having sex in bed right next to me while eating soup together. It turns out they had been having an affair for several months. I have no idea why they were eating soup while making love, nor do I know why they had to do it in bed with me, but this was one of the most traumatic events of my life and I needed to go to therapy for it. The soup was chicken noodle.

While giving that big presentation at work – I was presenting a new marketing strategy to the senior board members for my company, which was a huge opportunity for me. About two minutes into my presentation, the company soup barer entered the conference room and began delivering bowls of soup to all of the staff from his rusty trusty unicycle. Sadly there was a terrible rat infestation in our building, and even a seasoned soup barer like ours was not able to avoid them. His rusty trusty unicycle slammed into one of the sturdier rats, and a bowl of minestrone he was holding splashed all over my skintight business suit. I had to perform the rest of my presentation while drenched in the hot minestrone, and I was so flustered that my boss fired me as soon as I was done.

During a job interview – It took me a while to find work after that snafu with the big presentation at my last job. After what seemed like a decade, but was really nine years, I finally landed an interview at another company. It was a printing company that operated out of the basement of a soup factory. I went in for my interview, and that just happened to be the same day that the soup-proofing in the ceiling failed. Some gazpacho drizzled onto my head for the entirety of my interview, and the guy who interviewed me was so distracted by it that he forgot I was talking to him. I didn’t get the job.

While at a basketball game – I was at a basketball game, thinking that it was just what I needed to keep my mind off of all these soup disasters. I was sitting in the front row. When halftime came, some cheerleaders came out with t-shirt cannons, but one of them accidentally loaded her cannon with soup instead of t-shirts. She aimed the cannon right at me and fired, and my face was smacked with some french onion soup traveling at 80 miles per hour. I was immediately rushed to the hospital.

While being operated on at the hospital – I had to undergo surgery immediately after the basketball game because of how badly the french onion soup messed up my face. During the operation, the lead surgeon became hungry and started eating lentil soup over me. He forgot to remove his facemask, and the soup spilled down on to my face. He didn’t notice his mistake for a long time, and lentil soup disfigurations were appearing as quickly as french onion disfigurations were being fixed. I ended up having to pay twice as much for the surgery.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Procrastination

Procrastination is a lot like getting aroused while eating a hotdog; we experience it a lot, but few of us actually understand why. Procrastination affects nearly 85% of Americans every day, as well as 100% of people currently reading this article. Here is everything you need to know about procrastination.

First, let’s look at the causes. Most people believe that procrastination is caused by laziness, but this is only partly true. Really, procrastination, or the will to not accomplish tasks, is typically caused by a demon named Rauthazon who crawls into your chest cavity while you’re asleep and makes out with your soul. Your soul becomes so enamored with Rauthazon’s expert kissing technique that it can no longer invigorate you, and you lose all willpower.

You can easily spot someone suffering from procrastination by a few signs. Procrastinators are very lethargic, often to the point of endangering human life. Such was the case for pilot Peter Dirkwad, who kept putting off landing his plane.

“As an airline pilot, there are certain expectations of me,” says Peter. “I’m expected to land my aircraft on schedule. But for some reason I was just in one of those moods, man. My copilot, air traffic control, twenty years of experience, everything was telling me that I should have started landing procedure as we approached the airport. I just didn’t feel like it.”

Peter made a miraculous water landing in an Indiana water park when his plane eventually ran out of fuel. Fortunately no one was harmed, but this is just one example of how procrastination can put people in dangerous situations. Some other signs that an individual might be a procrastinator is that they repeatedly miss deadlines, make excuses, or develop bright red lesions on the skin that glow in the dark and taste like cinnamon.

The most effective treatment for procrastination is torture. Doctors recommend that procrastinators find someone they trust to throw dead batteries at them until they accomplish whatever tasks they’re putting off. Another proven method for fighting procrastination is deprivation. A procrastinator will swear off sleep, television, blinking, or other biological necessities until they’ve finished their work. This is the easiest treatment to adopt since it is essentially putting off one’s own needs for another time, which is a form of procrastination in itself.

Of course, preventive measures are always better than treatments. Procrastination can easily be prevented by pathologically weaseling one’s way out of responsibilities, therefore reducing the amount of work that one needs to get done. It can also be prevented by passing off responsibilities to a subordinate, such as a secretary or a trained animal of some kind. Some argue that the best way to prevent procrastination is to finish tasks as soon as possible instead of waiting until the last minute, but those people usually aren’t very cool, so it isn’t worth it.

Humankind will likely be plagued with procrastination until the end of time, which will be in 17 months. I’ll get around to writing a more creative ending later.

 

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Mom Just Done with Winter

Gayle Woodbury of Sundale, New Jersey, announced today that she is “just done with winter.” The announcement was officially made over Facebook, however friends and family report that Gayle had been leading up to it for some time.

“She would get home from work and the first thing to come out of her mouth was, ‘oh, gosh, it’s freezing out!’” says Gayle’s husband Paul Woodbury. “Most of the conversations we’ve had in the last few weeks have started with, ‘can you believe how cold it is?’”

Since the news has been officially posted on Facebook, Gayle has been supported by her friends and colleagues who have also come out as being done with winter.

“I’m so happy she’s finally admitted it,” said Gayle’s workmate June Agosticci. “I feel like all of us have known for a while but it’s not the sort of thing you can just bring up without the other person being comfortable with it.”

Gayle’s children are unfazed by the news since, according to them, Gayle makes the same statement every winter.

“She does this every year,” said Gayle’s daughter Hannah. “It’s not even like a big deal, she has to go from like her car to work to home and that’s it. I have to wait outside at the bus stop and sometimes they make us run outside during gym. So like, I get it, but I have it worse.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Depressing Man Looking Forward to Daily Ritual of Eating Milky Way Bar During Drive Home

Donald Murphy, an average office worker, claims that the daily consumption of a Milky Way bar while sitting in gridlock on the way home from work is the one thing that keeps him going throughout the day.

Donald, a 43-year-old balding overweight turtle of a man, says that work is tough for him because he doesn’t get the respect he feels he deserves. Often, for example, Donald will attempt to join a conversation at the water cooler but participants of these conversations will always form a blockade with their bodies, shutting out Donald subconsciously. Coworkers will also gather near Donald’s cubicle mistaking both Donald and his workstation for an empty space, and engage in loud, hardy conversations about sex, drinking, dancing, and other things that make Donald nervous.

This vexes the bumbling, socially anxious Donald for a number of reasons, particularly because he’s the only person in the office who actually does his work. His coworkers spend their office hours talking, flirting and having affairs with each other, and only approach Donald to make him do their work for them.

Donald finds release in his daily Milky Way habit. He finds comfort in some other habits, which include biting his nails, mumbling his words, and not growing a backbone.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Teen Unshaken Upon Discovering Extent of Father’s Racism

Jeremy Unger, a 16-year-old Michigan teen, reported today that he is finally coming to terms with his father’s racism, but also that he’s “totally fine with it.”

Jeremy says he’s noticed the signs for a while, he just didn’t recognize them. Often he would take note of his father’s offhanded, passive-aggressive insults towards waiters, electricians and other service people, but Jeremy realized recently that his father would never make these remarks towards white people.

When his suspicions arose, Jeremy approached several people who were close to his father, Thomas Unger. Several of Thomas’s work friends, Jeremy found, had come to the same conclusion, and in fact the stories that Jeremy gathered on his father’s workplace mannerisms would suggest that Thomas Unger is also sexist and anti-Semitic. Jeremy approached his father’s brother Dylan Unger, who when asked if he suspected that Thomas might be a racist, said, “no shit.”

In the last week, Jeremy has decided that he’s completely comfortable with this new information about his father. “Well yeah, it’s kinda weird,” says Jeremy, “but I mean lots of people do worse things. And it’s not like my dad would try to hurt anyone or something.” When asked if he himself was a racist, Jeremy replied with a resounding, “I don’t know, maybe.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.