The 5 Worst Times That Someone Spilled Soup On Me

People have been unintentionally spilling soup on me for as long as I can remember. It is very annoying and very traumatic, but my therapist says that I need to share my story if I want to get past it. Here are the 5 worst times that I’ve had soup spilled onto me.

 

While sleeping – One night while I was sleeping next to my girlfriend, I awoke to the sensation of a hot liquid splashing onto my face, accompanied by the sounds of lustful slurping. To my horror, I saw my girlfriend and my best friend having sex in bed right next to me while eating soup together. It turns out they had been having an affair for several months. I have no idea why they were eating soup while making love, nor do I know why they had to do it in bed with me, but this was one of the most traumatic events of my life and I needed to go to therapy for it. The soup was chicken noodle.

While giving that big presentation at work – I was presenting a new marketing strategy to the senior board members for my company, which was a huge opportunity for me. About two minutes into my presentation, the company soup barer entered the conference room and began delivering bowls of soup to all of the staff from his rusty trusty unicycle. Sadly there was a terrible rat infestation in our building, and even a seasoned soup barer like ours was not able to avoid them. His rusty trusty unicycle slammed into one of the sturdier rats, and a bowl of minestrone he was holding splashed all over my skintight business suit. I had to perform the rest of my presentation while drenched in the hot minestrone, and I was so flustered that my boss fired me as soon as I was done.

During a job interview – It took me a while to find work after that snafu with the big presentation at my last job. After what seemed like a decade, but was really nine years, I finally landed an interview at another company. It was a printing company that operated out of the basement of a soup factory. I went in for my interview, and that just happened to be the same day that the soup-proofing in the ceiling failed. Some gazpacho drizzled onto my head for the entirety of my interview, and the guy who interviewed me was so distracted by it that he forgot I was talking to him. I didn’t get the job.

While at a basketball game – I was at a basketball game, thinking that it was just what I needed to keep my mind off of all these soup disasters. I was sitting in the front row. When halftime came, some cheerleaders came out with t-shirt cannons, but one of them accidentally loaded her cannon with soup instead of t-shirts. She aimed the cannon right at me and fired, and my face was smacked with some french onion soup traveling at 80 miles per hour. I was immediately rushed to the hospital.

While being operated on at the hospital – I had to undergo surgery immediately after the basketball game because of how badly the french onion soup messed up my face. During the operation, the lead surgeon became hungry and started eating lentil soup over me. He forgot to remove his facemask, and the soup spilled down on to my face. He didn’t notice his mistake for a long time, and lentil soup disfigurations were appearing as quickly as french onion disfigurations were being fixed. I ended up having to pay twice as much for the surgery.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Weirdo Answers Honestly When Asked How Things Are at Home

Corporate accountant Geoffrey Paulson irritated some of his coworkers this morning when he answered honestly after being asked how his home life was going.

“Oh boy, not that great,” Paulson reportedly told a number of coworkers. “I’ve suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for a while and I think I finally found evidence of it in her texts.”

It was at this point in Paulson’s story that his coworkers started to regret asking the notoriously honest geek about his home life.

“On top of that my bank just recently froze all of my credit cards so I’m kind of coasting on fumes here. I’m not totally sure how I’m gonna make through the week, honestly.”

Regret mixed with dread at the sound of this news when Paulson’s coworkers started worrying that this sad, lonely acquaintance of theirs might ask for some money. Thankfully, Paulson continued.

“Oh and it turns out my son might be gay. He didn’t actually come out and tell me or anything but I think I caught him making out with a male friend of his. I mean, I don’t have anything wrong with homosexuality or whatever, but I’m not sure if I’m prepared to handle all this, you know? Not all at once anyway.”

Paulson’s coworkers politely shook their heads, reciprocating with a dismissive “Oh, wow, I’m sorry, buddy.” A few made this mistake of leaving with “If you need anything I’m here for you,” which they immediately regretted once receiving a text from Paulson shortly afterwards inviting them out to go bowling over the weekend. None have responded to the text yet.

More on this as it develops.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.