14 Ways The NFL Could Really Spice Up Football

This past NFL season was the least watched in nearly a decade. Some sports experts speculate it’s because of the election while others say it’s simply the work of nerds. Regardless, if the NFL wants increased viewership then it’ll need to think of a few new ways to spice up the game. Here’s some ideas from a sports outsider.

 

1. The opening coin toss could be replaced with a pistol duel between two fans.

2. At any time during the third quarter, a player on the losing time can invoke his “sedan privilege” and play the next three plays in a four-door sedan.

3. Landmines can be scattered throughout every field intermittently.

4. At the start of the fourth quarter a small herd of zebras will be released onto the field. They won’t do anything; the players will just have to keep playing around them.

5. Get boobs into the game somehow.

6. Start a reality show featuring the player’s wives.

7. Start a reality show where players from different teams have to live under one roof.

8. Start a reality show where the referees and players swap wives.

9. Turn the whole sport into a reality show.

10. Do those slow-motion instant replays whenever a camera catches one player smacking another player’s butt.

11. Referees could throw down different colored flags that mean different things. They could throw down a blue flag, for example, to show that it’s about to rain or snow, or a red flag to say that they’re hungry.

12. Require each player to know a modicum of kung fu.

13. Let John Malkovich narrate every game but keep poking him with a stick so he gets increasingly agitated.

14. Jetpacks.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Patriots Cheat to Win Super Bowl Using Divine Intervention

Super Bowl XLIX took place yesterday with the New England Patriots beating the Seattle Seahawks 28 to 24, however the Patriots’ win was met with outrage this morning when it came to light that members of the team had been praying to God to assure their victory.

It was confirmed that every one of the players spent a considerable amount of time praying to God before the game. Additionally, quarterback Tom Brady reportedly led the team in a prayer in the locker room moments before coming out onto the field.

Although this was a clear violation of the NFL’s policy on performance enhancements, the news did not come as a shock to most football fans. This has been the third time that the Patriots have cheated this season. The most recent time was during the NFC championship game in which members of the coaching staff deflated all 12 footballs that the team used throughout the game. The first account of cheating by the Patriots this season was when they were caught using mind control devices to help win a game against the Green Bay Packers in early October.

Agitated Seahawks fans are demanding blood but the League refuses to acknowledge the act as a form of cheating.

“There is nothing in the rules that forbid the usage of divine intervention during an official game,” said NFL spokesman Chad M. Matthews. “There’s a stipulation about witchcraft, the occult and several Hindu gods for some reason, but nothing about using the Almighty.”

God Himself has yet to respond to the allegations but is rumored to have been spotted attending the Super Bowl wearing a Patriots hat. This, however, has not been confirmed.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.