SPECIAL REPORT: Weather

The weather. Good or bad, it affects all of us who don’t live in an invisible space station that orbits above Washington D.C. Everyone knows the basics of weather, but very few people actually understand how the weather works. Why is weather so hard to predict? Why do some areas of the world get more intense weather than others? Does a 500-word article about weather mean that Circus Killers News is having trouble coming up with content? All of these questions and more will be answered in this week’s “Special Report.”

First, let’s identify the different types of weather. Most people look forward to sunny weather, which happens when all the clouds have been scared away by birds having loud, violent sex. At night, most of the world experiences moony weather, which occurs when hot moonbeams cause the terrified clouds to explode.

There are also many different types of precipitation that can occur on days that are not sunny or moony. The most common type is rain, which is characterized as little droplets of water falling from the sky. Other types of precipitation include snow, sleet, and hail. Most scientists believe that all forms of precipitation are cousins, which explains why they’ve all never been seen in the same room together. One thing scientists definitely can’t agree on, however, is how precipitation is formed. We know that clouds make it inside their bodies, but we don’t know where they get the water to make it. Some of the world’s more imaginative scientists believe it is due to a process called “evaporation,” which states that water from the ocean magically floats upwards into the sky and then falls back down again. The most common theory, however, is that the clouds are just crying because they haven’t been held in millions of years.

Of course there are more violent types of weather as well. There’s thunder and lightening, which are completely separate phenomena but often follow one another because they’re in love. There’s also earthquakes, which happen when the Earth is hungry, and volcanic eruptions, which occur whenever the Earth has eaten too much. Tornadoes and hurricanes, however, are just myths.

For thousands of years, humans have tried to make sense of the weather by believing it is all being control by a higher power, be it a god or the men who live in that invisible space station above D.C. In fact, all the evidence suggests that weather is governed by completely natural forces. Still, many humans throughout time have attempted to control the weather. Benjamin Franklin famously tied a key to a kite and flew it through a lightening storm in an attempt to unlock its secrets, but the weather punished him by making him bald. He never learned his lesson, and he went on to become the first U.S. President to declare war on the sky. It is commonly believed that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated due to his conviction to shooting rockets into the sky to try and blow it up.

There are many different types of weather and most of them are dangerous. Unfortunately there is absolutely no way to protect yourself from any type of weather, but at least now you know what’s come.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Abandoned Car Likely Belongs To Depressing Man

An abandoned car was found parked at a strip mall in Ewing, New Jersey early this morning. In a recent press briefing, authorities released details about the car in hopes that the owner can be identified.

“The car is a 2004 beige Toyota Camry,” said lead investigator Sergeant Barnabas Barbat, who assured reporters that he is fully aware of what a nightmare his name is. “We found a lot of crumbs in the driver’s seat but nowhere else, indicating that the driver often ate in his car alone. We also found various wrappers on and around the driver’s seat, all of which were for candy bars.”

Sergeant Barbat went on to identify the various stains found around the driver’s seat.

“There were no sex stains of any kind, which is rare for a car this old. Most of the stains we found were from various sodas. There were no coffee stains, so the driver is likely unemployed, and no alcohol stains, which suggests he’s a pusillanimous adultescent.”

Sergeant Barbat then paused and looked around the briefing room to see if anyone was impressed with his big words. Disappointed, he continued.

“The latch for the trunk was broken so we were able to check inside. We found a mountain of receipts, but all of them were from fast food restaurants and drug stores. Based on the receipts, we can confirm that the driver doesn’t know how to cook, can’t afford prescription medication, and has no hobbies whatsoever. We also found a perfectly untouched guitar, an old video camera, half of a novel manuscript, and various other paraphernalia from dreams that didn’t quite work out.”

The car was found in a parking lot on the corner of Drybeck Road and Prodelin Street, right in front of the closed Blockbuster that hasn’t been torn down yet. Authorities say that if you know someone fitting the above description then you should contact the Ewing police immediately.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

5 Hottest Underwater Hotels

70% of the planet is covered with water, and a whole 15% of that water isn’t filled with garbage. With so many amazing sights beneath the sea, it’s no wonder that underwater hotels have become so popular in the last few years. If you’re looking for a wet hot vacation spot this summer, then check out this guide to the 5 hottest underwater hotels that can be found in the depths of our planet’s oceans.

 

5. The Sand Castle Hotel & Spa
What makes The Sand Castle Hotel unique isn’t its luxury suites or its local underwater nightlife, it’s that the entire structure is made out of sand. Constructed over a period of 35 years by hundreds of mermaid child slaves, this sandy behemoth at the bottom of the sea reminds guests of how good it feels to get sand in every bodily crevasse. All the furniture, the silverware, the artwork, the bedding, all of it is made out of sand. You can do anything you want with the sand in your room, but remember that if you steal any of it then the hotel staff will send a herd of hammerhead sharks after you and they won’t stop coming until one of your hand’s has been fully eaten.

4. Solenaya Trubka
Solenaya Trubka is a themed underwater hotel where guests get to experience what it’s like to be on a soviet submarine at the height of the Cold War. Every night you will be awakened by various alarms that sound at random times. There are no restaurants, no shows, no services of any kind. Your room is just a small metal tube that contains a number of buttons, valves, and switches that no one tells you how to operate. The Trubka does not give out free soaps or bottles of shampoo, but guests are exposed to low levels of nuclear radiation, totally free of charge.

3. Vulcan Suites
This underwater hotel is really nothing to write home about, but it had to be included on the list because it is situated on the rim of an active volcano, which means it literally is the hottest underwater hotel in the world. Customer service is poor, the restaurants are unimpressive, and the furniture will spontaneously melt at times. They also claim to have “free HBO,” but what they don’t tell you is that “HBO” at Vulcan Suites stands for “Hot Body Ointment,” which treats the burns that guests invariably develop on every inch of their skin.

2. Trump Aquatic
Located off the coast of the New Jersey shore, this luxurious underwater hotel and casino used to be on land right on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Shoddy workmanship mixed with years of neglectful maintenance, however, caused the building’s foundation to collapse into the sea, where it now resides. Guests will find everything they’ve come to expect from a Trump hotel, including premium Russian pornography, no fruits or vegetables whatsoever, and copies of “The Art of the Deal” in lieu of hotel bibles that you will be charged for reading even if you just glance at it accidentally.

1. Titanica
Titanica is not only one of the most luxurious hotels that the ocean floor has to offer, but it is also one of the most controversial hotels in the world. Titanica is built inside the remains of the shipwrecked Titanic. Most of the ship was restored for the hotel, but some areas of the famous sunken ocean liner have remained as perfectly preserved as Jack’s corpse, which can be seen on one of the hotel’s guided tours. Though Titanica has received generally positive reviews, some guests have reported finding hundred-year-old body parts floating about their rooms. Additionally, activists have been trying to get the hotel shut down ever since it opened, arguing that a watery graveyard should not be thought of as a tourism spot. Titanica has subsequently been referred to in many publications as “the most offensive underwater hotel in the world,” though many believe that it’s nothing compared to Poseidon’s Autism Holocaust Casino.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Skin Care

Taking care of one’s skin is an important and often overlooked aspect of hygiene. There are many different skin care treatments and methods, but unfortunately there’s no way to scientifically prove if any of them work because all scientists are liars. In this Circus Killer News Special Report we’ll detail a variety of skin care regimens out there, from the popular to the surreptitious, so that you can try them out for yourself and maybe find a solution to that gross outer layer of your disgusting, pig-like body.

There are a multitude of products out there that supposedly help you get healthier skin, but all of them warrant caution. Ever since President Trump appointed Mayor McCheese to the head of the FDA, many regulations that kept harmful drugs off the shelves have been repealed, and unsafe drugs are back on the market. One of the most popular facial scrubs out there is “Proderis,” which is currently facing a scandal amidst rumors that the cream contains gluten. It has also been suggested that Proderis’ manufacturer swept negative trial results under the rug during the testing phase, which accounts for why many of its users have become sick, developed rashes, and grown antennae out of their cheeks.

With the increasing social acceptance of cannabis, there have been many skin ointments and jells appearing in stores that utilize the healing properties of marijuana. To copy its success, a few cutting-edge drug companies have started experimenting with skin creams that contain heroine, LSD, and methamphetamines. Early reports for these experimental drugs vary, but the LSD cream allegedly gives you the ability to talk to walls and to melt people’s faces by shooting butterflies with teeth at them out of your eyeballs.

Of course there are ways to take care of your skin without the use of medication. You can naturally absorb Vitamin D from the sun’s rays, which has been proven to clear up unwanted blemishes. Vitamin D is also the name of an amateur rapper who lives in my building, and he claims through his music that he can cure any ailment via sexual intercourse. Both methods are certainly worth a try.

There are also a few homeopathic skin care regimens that are safe, easy, and completely rational. Rubbing rocks all over your body, for example, is a way to suck out all the negative energies that cause skin diseases, provided those rocks are from the bottom of a stream and have been sensually kissed by a virgin. Proponents of homeopathy also argue that music can have healing properties and will often take turns getting naked in front of each other and yelling at their skin until it looks healthier. Other homeopathic methods include pouring boiling tea on your skin, rolling around nude in magical sand, and snakes.

The most bizarre, expensive, and niche skin regimen of all is a process called a “skin peel,” and it’s what most celebrities and rich people do to look young and beautiful. The elite will go to a fancy hospital/spa and through a low-risk surgical procedure will get all of their skin removed. As they spend the day getting pampered, workers will rinse their skin in a luxurious chemical bath and iron out all those unsightly wrinkles. The skin is then glued back onto its owner at the end of the day, and they leave feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

There are countless ways you can take care of your skin, and you’ll never know which method works best for you until you try them all. Be safe, be healthy, and please let me eat your skin.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Fox News Correspondent Not Sure What Slant To Put On Story About Transgender Muslim Police Dog

Fox News correspondent Hunter Toddson found himself in hot water on Monday when he accidentally stepped onto a geyser that had opened up in his pro-fracking town. Yesterday, however, Toddson found himself in metaphorical hot water when he had to produce a news story for his local Fox station about a transgender Muslim police dog who rescued a small child from a fire.

“At Fox we put stories into two categories,” he said. “The first is the Light Group, which is stories that promote traditional values, American heroes, our suave and intelligent President, anything we want to shed a light on to show how great this nation is. The second group is the Dark Group, which is stories about immigrants committing crimes, liberal college professors spilling food, people who have choked to death on socialism, or other terrors in this country lurking in the shadows that we have to report on.”

Toddson says that this particular news story fits into both the Light Group and the Dark Group and he wasn’t sure how to handle it.

“Any story about a dog, the third most American animal behind eagles and freshwater salmon, belongs in the Light Group. Combine that with the fact that this dog is an authority figure that dashed into a burning building and you got yourself a solid positive slant story. But on the other hand, transgenderism and anything having to do with non-Christian faiths is clearly a Dark Group story.”

As more details about the incident unfold, Toddson found his decision became increasingly difficult.

“It turns out the dog’s parents were both immigrants, which ordinarily would put this story in the Dark Group. But the dog also served in Afghanistan, which is a Light Group trait. The dog also turned out to be a Trump supporter, which is Light, but I just found out that the dog is female. I just don’t know what to do.”

Toddson says he will likely toss the entire story and instead write a piece about the firefighter who stood up for his religious rights by heroically refusing to put out that same fire because it was in an atheist’s apartment.

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.