KILLER ADVICE: How Can I Stop People From Breaking Into My Car And Committing Crimes Inside Of It?

You’re reading Killer Advice, a weekly advice column written by the staff of Circus Killer News. Our staff might be young and attractive, but the untold wisdom that we gained from eating crystals gives us the authority to tell you how to live your life.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Makayla Sinnis from Kingsdale, Florida. She writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,
I drive a 2007 Toyota Prius, and for as long as I can remember, people keep breaking into it and using it as a place to commit crimes. Last week as I approached my car in the parking lot of where I do grass fed yoga, I noticed two old men doing heroin in the back seat. They picked the lock with their drug needle that they were sharing, and both of them were only wearing socks. Then there was a time when I was stuck in traffic on my way to work, and a group of rowdy teenagers who were skipping school climbed on top of my Prius, smashed open the sunroof, and crawled inside to drink alcohol and listen to profane music after pushing me out onto the highway. My car has been broken into and made into a crime scene at least three dozen times, and I can’t figure out why this is happening to me.”

 

Makayla, the truth is, you actually don’t have a problem here. The Toyota Prius is the worst selling car in America because of how lame it is. In order to increase sales, Toyota lobbied Congress to pass a federal law that states that no one can be convicted of any crime that takes place inside a Prius. Americans still don’t buy the worthless commie virgin-mobile, but there’s nothing illegal about breaking into one and committing crimes inside of it. Try driving literally any other car, and you won’t have this problem.

In case that isn’t an option, there are a few things that you can do to keep your car from getting broken into so often. You could try painting your car to resembling something that is not a Prius, such as a Ford F-150, a hippopotamus, the Second Amendment, or anything else that Americans believe is too sacred to mess around with. You could also try wrapping strips of barbed wire around your car, but this will likely attract perverts, which could potentially make matters far worse.

The only other thing we would recommend is to get some sort of custom car alarm that would scare off anyone who trips it. Instead of the usual beeping and honking, you could have your car blast hippopotamus mating sounds, which is a sight too glorious and sacred to behold. Other sounds that would scare people off include ghosts fighting, the echoey groan of an empty vending machine, and any foreign music. You could also have your car play the National Anthem, which would force anyone in earshot to immediately stop what they’re doing, even if they’re breaking into your car, and bow their head in prayer.

We hope this helps, Makayla, but if you ever tell anyone that we gave assistance to the owner of a Prius then we could lose our reporting license, so keep this to yourself.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Skin Care

Taking care of one’s skin is an important and often overlooked aspect of hygiene. There are many different skin care treatments and methods, but unfortunately there’s no way to scientifically prove if any of them work because all scientists are liars. In this Circus Killer News Special Report we’ll detail a variety of skin care regimens out there, from the popular to the surreptitious, so that you can try them out for yourself and maybe find a solution to that gross outer layer of your disgusting, pig-like body.

There are a multitude of products out there that supposedly help you get healthier skin, but all of them warrant caution. Ever since President Trump appointed Mayor McCheese to the head of the FDA, many regulations that kept harmful drugs off the shelves have been repealed, and unsafe drugs are back on the market. One of the most popular facial scrubs out there is “Proderis,” which is currently facing a scandal amidst rumors that the cream contains gluten. It has also been suggested that Proderis’ manufacturer swept negative trial results under the rug during the testing phase, which accounts for why many of its users have become sick, developed rashes, and grown antennae out of their cheeks.

With the increasing social acceptance of cannabis, there have been many skin ointments and jells appearing in stores that utilize the healing properties of marijuana. To copy its success, a few cutting-edge drug companies have started experimenting with skin creams that contain heroine, LSD, and methamphetamines. Early reports for these experimental drugs vary, but the LSD cream allegedly gives you the ability to talk to walls and to melt people’s faces by shooting butterflies with teeth at them out of your eyeballs.

Of course there are ways to take care of your skin without the use of medication. You can naturally absorb Vitamin D from the sun’s rays, which has been proven to clear up unwanted blemishes. Vitamin D is also the name of an amateur rapper who lives in my building, and he claims through his music that he can cure any ailment via sexual intercourse. Both methods are certainly worth a try.

There are also a few homeopathic skin care regimens that are safe, easy, and completely rational. Rubbing rocks all over your body, for example, is a way to suck out all the negative energies that cause skin diseases, provided those rocks are from the bottom of a stream and have been sensually kissed by a virgin. Proponents of homeopathy also argue that music can have healing properties and will often take turns getting naked in front of each other and yelling at their skin until it looks healthier. Other homeopathic methods include pouring boiling tea on your skin, rolling around nude in magical sand, and snakes.

The most bizarre, expensive, and niche skin regimen of all is a process called a “skin peel,” and it’s what most celebrities and rich people do to look young and beautiful. The elite will go to a fancy hospital/spa and through a low-risk surgical procedure will get all of their skin removed. As they spend the day getting pampered, workers will rinse their skin in a luxurious chemical bath and iron out all those unsightly wrinkles. The skin is then glued back onto its owner at the end of the day, and they leave feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

There are countless ways you can take care of your skin, and you’ll never know which method works best for you until you try them all. Be safe, be healthy, and please let me eat your skin.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Friday the 13th

Tomorrow is that dreaded day that comes every few months and brings bad luck to everyone around you No, I’m not talking about when your certifiable ex finds out which state you’re living in, I’m talking about Friday the 13th.

Throughout Western society, Friday the 13th has been associated with superstition, misfortune, and ‘Miss Fortune,’ who is a stripper that incorporates fortune cookies into her routine. Throughout Eastern society, Friday the 13th is just a normal day. In this article we’ll take a look behind the meaning of the more popular superstitions associated with Friday the 13th, as well as ways to protect yourself from toxic bad luck.

But first, some history. Friday the 13th started in Europe in the year 1313, on the thirteenth day of the month of Blumkrember, shortly before the Catholic Church declared that there were only twelve months in a year. A series of murders occurred in the British kingdom of Crystal Lake that related to the death of a young monarch named King Jason Voorhees. Evidence suggests the deaths were perpetrated by the victim’s mother, but they happened in such a way that they were all deemed bad luck instead of murders. Over the centuries, the date has been obfuscated into a day of supernatural woe.

One of the more well known Friday the 13th traditions is the belief that cracking a mirror will bring seven years of bad luck. In fact, this belief comes from the ancient Romans who did not know that mirrors were not people. Every Roman believed that he or she had an evil twin, and that it was this twin who was looking back at them through a window; they had no idea what reflections were. It was believed that if you broke a mirror, you were actually breaking your twin’s body, and that it would take up to seven years to heal.

Crossing under a ladder is another superstition associated with Friday the 13th. According to the myth, if you walk under a ladder, you might end up landing on a chute that will take you all the back to the twenty-fourth space.

There is also the tradition that crossing paths with a black cat will bring you back luck. There exists some truth in this superstition, because all cats are psychopaths and if you get in a cat’s way it will find you and make your life a living hell.

And of course, there’s the old wives’ tale that stepping on a crack might bring an early death. In fact, this is only true if the crack is a fault line, a sinkhole, or the narcotic of the same name.

There are several ways to prevent bad luck from coming your way this Friday. Salt is known for its ability to stave off evil, so it would be wise to rub salt into every orifice of your body to make sure no evil can enter it. Some people also prefer to just stay in bed the whole day, but since 20% of Americans die in bed, it’s safer instead to lie on the floor for the whole day. Additionally, wearing your clothes backwards on Friday the 13th has been known to bring good luck, plus it has the added bonus of nobody wanting to talk to you the whole day.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.