String Of Disappearances Possibly Related To New Dating App

Recent evidence has linked a number of bizarre disappearances across the country with a new dating app called “IrthMate.” All of the disappearances have been young adult males, and it has been confirmed that all of them recently downloaded IrthMate and were using it shortly before their disappearance.

One of the men who disappeared was Chad Grevski, a 26-year-old temp from Saint Falls, Virginia. Grevski’s phone was left behind in his apartment, and the last few messages he sent and received through the app indicate that he was leaving to meet up with a woman he met on the app with the username, “NormalEarthGirl387.”

A man matching Grevski’s description was seen wandering into a dark alleyway not far from his apartment, which investigators claim was the agreed upon meet-up spot. Reports say that a bright cone of green light beamed down into the alleyway from unusually low clouds. One woman claims she saw Grevski floating up this beam of light before it dissipated.

“I was walking my dog when I saw the light coming down,” says eyewitness Jasmine Flynn. “I saw what looked like a man going up into the light, and then he was gone. I remember thinking how weird that was since people don’t usually float upwards into beams of light; I just assumed he was drunk.”

Brad Verbewski, another avid hook-up app user, claims that shortly after using IrthMate he was abducted by aliens, and that everyone who uses the app shares the same fate.

“I was messaging this chick on there, I think her name was ‘HumanWomanReal5583,’ and she said we should meet up,” says Brad. “I put on a sleeveless shirt and went to where she said she would be, and this light came down and I was taken up onto a ship. And I was like, ‘whoa, dude, this is not happening.’”

Brad claims that the app was set up by extraterrestrials, and that they’re abducting bros all around the country to solve a population crisis on their home planet.

“The next thing I knew, I was surrounded by these super hot alien space babes who all wanted to get with me. They said if we didn’t start bumpin’ immediately they were gonna vaporize the whole planet. I had no choice but to bang all these hot alien ladies, like hundreds of them, thousands. I must have been goin’ at it like a week.”

Brad was in fact reported missing for nearly a week, and he says he can provide evidence for his unusually graphic close encounter. He claims to have gotten an alien STD.

“There are these tiny tentacle looking things that started growing around my junk, and every day at exactly 10:26 in the morning, they do this thing that I can best describe as acid-sneezing. They itch and burn something awful… I don’t know what it’s called, but I had pretty much everything before gettin’ this.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Area Teen Survives Car Wreck, Lives to Tweet About It

16-year-old Rhode Islander Caitlyn Summers nearly died yesterday on her way home from school when swerved off the road and hit a tree after being distracted by her phone.

“It’s really a miracle that she wasn’t injured any more than she was,” said first responder Dale Earle. “The car is completely totaled and somehow she walks away without a scratch.”

Immediately following the incident, Caitlyn crawled out of the wreck, phone in hand, and began taking pictures to upload onto Instagram and Facebook instead of calling 911. Caitlyn then started posing next to the wreck and talking “selfies” to send to her Snapchat friends.

Caitlyn then started to tweet about her car accident. Reports say that other drivers passed by Caitlyn and stopped to ask if she needed assistance or to see if emergency services were on their way.

“Oh-em-gee get out of my face!” Caitlyn reportedly told one passerby. “I’m literally tweeting right now and you’re being all up in my shit like some perv.”

Eventually emergency services were dispatched. First responders came arrived at the scene to witness Caitlyn recording a Vine in which she attempted to reenact the crash. Paramedic Dale Earle says the hardest thing to do was tear the teenager away from her phone.

“We were checking to see if she might have been in shock, and amazing she seemed to react pretty normally while she was using her phone. It was when the device was taken away from her that she suddenly became catatonic.”

Caitlyn’s friend Meagan, who was in the passenger seat at the time of the accident, has been in a coma ever since.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Large Hadron Collider Still Unable to Find Billions it Would Need to Make a Profit

Disappointment came after another unsuccessful week of searching for the billions of dollars it would take to turn a profit for CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, the biggest and most expensive particle accelerator ever constructed. The massive machine was built to search for theoretical particles that might help to explain the origin of the universe, as well as maybe some extra cash on the side to help put a dent in the massive bill it creates.

“The LHC cost about 6.4 billion US dollars for the initial construction,” said CERN spokesperson Valda Palkovski. “It costs about 1 billion dollars every year just to keep it running. Though it has produced some groundbreaking results, it’s still a shock to everyone at CERN that we haven’t found a single shred of monetary value.”

The LHC became fully operational in November of 2009 and since then has discovered things that only smart people understand, however there’s growing concern that something as valueless to Europe and the world as one US dollar has yet to be found in the miles-long research facility. To compensate, plans have been drafted to install small metal detectors to locate any change that the universe might have left leaving around.

“We’re still hopeful that some profit might come out of this project,” continued Palkovski. “It’s conceivable that if we power it up enough, we could tear the walls of our universe open and generate a passage to a parallel Earth that the US government could invade and plunder for oil, gold and other valuable objects. Until that day comes, we will continue trying.”

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Apple’s New ‘iFlush’ to Begin Shipping in May

Apple fans across the country are waiting with anticipation for the company’s “iFlush,” to begin selling at the end of next month. The iFlush is the first ever smart toilet that can interface wirelessly through a user’s iPhone or iPad, as well as physically through a user’s butt.

“Once synchronizing the iFlush to any hand-held Apple device,” said Apple spokesperson Navika Vasgupti, “the user can control their iFlush anywhere, anytime. As you can see, not only can I flush remotely, but I can also heat the seat, dispense cleaning fluid and plunge any leftover waste that might be clogging the plumbing.”

The iFlush was delayed multiple times due to an issue with its “auto-plunge” feature that shot clogged waste back up at users while they were using the device. Vasgupti assured during the Apple press conference, however, that this issue was corrected.

“Apple has revolutionized the bathroom experience,” said Vasgupti, “by adding a series of new features that are unlike any toilet you’ve ever seen. For a small extra fee, anyone can download any hundred of additional apps that can turn your iFlush into a gaming system, news outlet or home theater. You’ll never have to leave your toilet again.”

“But that’s not all,” Vasgupti continued. “The iFlush can also be synced to the iCloud. This gives users the ability to store all of their bowel movements so that they can be viewed at any time or shared with a friend.”

The price of the iFlush has yet to be announced, but many tech journalists predict a smart toilet like the iFlush will be in almost every home within the next 10 years.

 

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 15 Best iPhone Apps

The Apple App Store is filled with a vast assortment of useful and entertaining apps. It can be difficult to tell which of them are a waste and which are worth your time and your money, so Circus Killer decided to check out the best apps there are and give you a brief rundown of what they do. Here are the current best 15 apps for the iPhone.

 

1. Letters with Buds – A classic board game that became a mobile app so you can play it with your friends and family but not have to speak with any of them.

2. Foot Meat – A hook-up app for people with foot fetishes.

3. ReadyRazor – Turns your phone into an electric razor.

4. RealSitter Pro – Makes your phone or tablet mimic a babysitter so you don’t have to hire a real one.

5. Motiv-8 – Motivates users into working out by showing what they’ll look like after 8 years of their current diet and exercise habits.

6. Kredit D-Struktor – A mobile game that automatically charges you 15 cents for every minute it’s on your phone.

7. Peanut Alarm – Primarily used for people with peanut allergies, this app produces a blaring, constant honking noise whenever the user is in the presence of peanuts.

8. Macy Place – Posts random pictures of William H. Macy ten times a day.

9. 4-Foot Vacancies – Identifies unpopulated areas in your vicinity in which a body could be buried quickly.

10. Bejeweled – The free game that was stolen by a company that cannot be named for copyright reasons and was rebranded into a horrible knockoff that became an overnight worldwide sensation but that also cannot be named for copyright reasons.

11. Brown Swipe – Tells users exactly how much to wipe after sending an image of their bowel movements.

12. Shoe Mobile – Makes realistic shoe noises when the user walks around with their phone taped to the bottom of their shoe.

13. Shoe Mobile Swift – Does the same thing as Shoe Mobile only no sound is produced.

14. Doomsday Counter – Counts down to the apocalypse (December 21st, 2012).

15. Zombie Detector – Locates other iPhone users in your immediate area.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Archeological Evidence Suggests Library of Alexandria Never Went Digital

The Ancient Library of Alexandria lost all its thousands of texts during an infamous fire nearly 2000 years ago because the institution never made the transition over to digital, archeologists say. Though this had always been a theory, newly uncovered evidence seems to prove that the Library’s failure to upgrade its system is the primary cause for the loss of its literature.

“Everyone sort of understood that not digitally backing up their archives was the main reason why the fire that destroyed the Library was so fatal,” said archeologist Dan Rhyback, head of the team that discovered this new evidence. “Now, we finally have something that shows why this fatal mistake occurred.”

That something is an ancient Comcast modem that seems to have fallen into disrepair. Miraculously the antique device can still be turned on, however it does not appear to transmit or receive any signal.

“When we plug it in,” said Rhyback as he demonstrated how to use the device, “we can see that the ‘Power’ light turns on automatically so it appears to be working. However if you look at this flashing ‘US/DS’ light, we can see that there is no strong connection with any internet provider.”

At first glance it may look like the device is working, but in fact the flashing ‘US/DS’ light indicates that the modem is malfunctioning in some way, and perhaps never worked properly at all.

“Nothing seems to give the device any signal,” said Rhyback. “We’ve tried unplugging it and plugging it back in, hitting the little ‘Reset’ button on the back, nothing.”

The archeologists also uncovered a small basement underneath the site where a phone was found on hold with Comcast tech support for the last 2000 years, which further supports the theory.

 

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Drone Operators to be Replaced with Drones

The US military announced this week that it has been funding a project that will replace Armed Attack Drone operators with “microdrones” that can be operated at an even safer distance from combat. The Microdrone Project has been underway for some time now and will likely be fully operational by the end of this year.

“One of our biggest concerns,” said US Army spokesperson Jack MacIntyre, “is the safety of our drone operators, and we feel that current safety precautions are simply not where they can be. Using microdrones, we can safely operate a drone operation facility hundreds of miles away from the facility itself.”

Each drone operating station can be operated by eight microdrones, each of which are in turn operated by one person. This teamwork is something that the military has been lacking since the start of the drone era, however the choice to move ahead with the Microdrone Project was a purely resource-conscious decision.

“Frankly, the military is in danger of outgrowing itself,” says Hershel Tolmpkin, a current private defense strategist and former military colonel. “The military has so much money and soldiers right now and not enough countries to invade. By adding more personnel and resources to the operation of one drone, they fix that issue.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.