Insecure Coworker Ready For Halloween

Office manager Wade Mikael of Bedhurst, Delaware, has reportedly spent the day demonstrating to his coworkers that he is already prepared for this year’s Halloween. Wade has been distracting his coworkers by sharing pictures of his decorations and costumes, and expressing his contemptible interest in the child’s holiday.

“I was sitting at my desk, trying to write my T.P.S. report,” says coworker Mandy Hoffe, “when Wade appeared with his iPhone and shows me so many goddamn photos of his house. I mean, yeah, it was impressive how many skeletons and spiders and cutouts he had up, but really, who gives a shit?”

Wade expressed to another coworker, Dawn Somner, that he had purchased eleven different Halloween costumes because he couldn’t decide what he wanted.

“If you’re that into Halloween,” says Dawn, “then you make one homemade costume each year, and that’s it. This is just sad.”

Some of Wade’s coworkers recall that Halloween was a big thing for him and his wife Alice for the last few years, but they split up over the summer. No one in the office is looking forward to Wade’s annual Halloween party at the end of the month.

“It’s going to be the most awkward party I’ve ever been to,” says Dawn. “Well, the most awkward party on land, anyway. I think most of us just aren’t going. There’s only so much sympathy that we as human beings can feign, you know?”

Wade bombarded Greg from accounting with photos of his decorations, stories of where he obtained them and how much they cost, and assurances that this year’s Halloween party is going to be the best one ever. This proved to be the height of the day’s awkwardness, as Wade is still unaware that his wife Alice is currently living with Greg, and that they’ve been lovers for almost a year.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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12 Ways To Trick People Into Thinking You’re Cool

Everyone wants to be cool, but like money or a good head of hair, coolness is impossible to obtain unless you’re born with it. Fortunately people are idiots, so tricking them into thinking you’re a cool person isn’t all that difficult. Just make sure that you follow these simple tips.

 

1. Fashion is a primary indicator of coolness, and it’s always changing. Try to keep up with the latest fashion trends by watching teenagers from behind a bush.

2. Protesting is really in right now, so pretend like you care about something other than yourself.

3. Tattoos are only cool if you have only one and it’s of a bird or a triangle or something. Never get a tattoo that people have to read. Reading is for dorks.

4. The type of phone you use says a lot about how cool you are. iPhones are the coolest, but keep in mind that your next phone can only be an iPhone if your current phone is an iPhone. That’s how cool they are.

5. Feign bisexuality.

6. Choose your career wisely. Right now the coolest professions are actor, sex worker, and YouTube vlogger, while the most un-cool professions are reporter, President, and comedy blogger.

7. Be in a band, but only as a hobby.

8. The nerdy things of the past have become the cool things of the present, i.e. superheroes and video games. Get a leg-up on the cool things of the future by hoarding the nerdy things of now, i.e. Facebook accounts and anything from Japan.

9. Start familiarizing yourself with music performed by people who wear things that can’t legally be considered clothing.

10. Make up words that have no meaning, but say it with enough confidence that people want to copy you. It’s the best way to flipshop your bumskibibble.

11. Elective dietary restrictions are really cool right now. Pick a delicious thing and make up a reason for why you can’t have it.

12. Vape.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Teen Survives Car Wreck, Lives to Tweet About It

16-year-old Rhode Islander Caitlyn Summers nearly died yesterday on her way home from school when swerved off the road and hit a tree after being distracted by her phone.

“It’s really a miracle that she wasn’t injured any more than she was,” said first responder Dale Earle. “The car is completely totaled and somehow she walks away without a scratch.”

Immediately following the incident, Caitlyn crawled out of the wreck, phone in hand, and began taking pictures to upload onto Instagram and Facebook instead of calling 911. Caitlyn then started posing next to the wreck and talking “selfies” to send to her Snapchat friends.

Caitlyn then started to tweet about her car accident. Reports say that other drivers passed by Caitlyn and stopped to ask if she needed assistance or to see if emergency services were on their way.

“Oh-em-gee get out of my face!” Caitlyn reportedly told one passerby. “I’m literally tweeting right now and you’re being all up in my shit like some perv.”

Eventually emergency services were dispatched. First responders came arrived at the scene to witness Caitlyn recording a Vine in which she attempted to reenact the crash. Paramedic Dale Earle says the hardest thing to do was tear the teenager away from her phone.

“We were checking to see if she might have been in shock, and amazing she seemed to react pretty normally while she was using her phone. It was when the device was taken away from her that she suddenly became catatonic.”

Caitlyn’s friend Meagan, who was in the passenger seat at the time of the accident, has been in a coma ever since.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 15 Best iPhone Apps

The Apple App Store is filled with a vast assortment of useful and entertaining apps. It can be difficult to tell which of them are a waste and which are worth your time and your money, so Circus Killer decided to check out the best apps there are and give you a brief rundown of what they do. Here are the current best 15 apps for the iPhone.

 

1. Letters with Buds – A classic board game that became a mobile app so you can play it with your friends and family but not have to speak with any of them.

2. Foot Meat – A hook-up app for people with foot fetishes.

3. ReadyRazor – Turns your phone into an electric razor.

4. RealSitter Pro – Makes your phone or tablet mimic a babysitter so you don’t have to hire a real one.

5. Motiv-8 – Motivates users into working out by showing what they’ll look like after 8 years of their current diet and exercise habits.

6. Kredit D-Struktor – A mobile game that automatically charges you 15 cents for every minute it’s on your phone.

7. Peanut Alarm – Primarily used for people with peanut allergies, this app produces a blaring, constant honking noise whenever the user is in the presence of peanuts.

8. Macy Place – Posts random pictures of William H. Macy ten times a day.

9. 4-Foot Vacancies – Identifies unpopulated areas in your vicinity in which a body could be buried quickly.

10. Bejeweled – The free game that was stolen by a company that cannot be named for copyright reasons and was rebranded into a horrible knockoff that became an overnight worldwide sensation but that also cannot be named for copyright reasons.

11. Brown Swipe – Tells users exactly how much to wipe after sending an image of their bowel movements.

12. Shoe Mobile – Makes realistic shoe noises when the user walks around with their phone taped to the bottom of their shoe.

13. Shoe Mobile Swift – Does the same thing as Shoe Mobile only no sound is produced.

14. Doomsday Counter – Counts down to the apocalypse (December 21st, 2012).

15. Zombie Detector – Locates other iPhone users in your immediate area.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Addictive Mobile Game Lets Users Sell Objects from their Homes to Continue Playing

A new mobile game for iPhone and Android called “Kake Kruncher,” went viral in the last week due to its innovative new feature that allows players to trade household objects and furniture for the ability to progress to other levels.

“It’s an amazing concept and an excellent feature,” says blogger Andre Stausberg who spends his days reviewing iPhone apps. “What I love about it is that it lets players get rid of their possessions on their own terms. Most mobile games force you to pay a small fee to unlock other levels or modes, but those fees add up over time and usually end in debt and the repossession of property from stores or banks. It’s great to finally have a game that doesn’t waste your time and just gets right to the point.”

Kake Kruncher was developed by a company called “StackBab Media,” whose claim to fame is taking games that already exist, prettying them up, and then branding and marketing them more successfully than the original games.

Rumors are circulating that StackBab will be releasing an update shortly that will allow players to unlock the entire game by selling their homes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Tech-Illiterate Mother Insists Computers a Passing Fad

Jeanne Harlow of Cattletuck, Nebraska, accounts her refusal to own and learn how to operate a computer on her belief that digital technology is just a trend.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before,” said Harlow, “but you just watch. All this ‘technology’ and ‘internet connections’ will be gone by the end of the year.”

Harlow is a mother of six and lives in a predominately rural community that only just got dial-up internet last month. Many people in her community have since welcomed the town’s passage into the low-speed internet superhighway, but Harlow simply isn’t buying it.

“They said the same thing with the automobile and look what happened with that? The car came out and replaced it,” Harlow continued. “That’s why it’ll never stick, people will just get fed up with what they don’t understand until something new comes out and they’ll throw it away. It’s the same with computers and cell phones.”

Harlow’s children are upset with their mother for forbidding technology in their home. One of her daughters created a fake cell phone out of cardboard and a shard of broken glass just to fit in with the other children at her school.

“My family got along fine without all this technological crap,” said Harlow. “For generations we survived without these iPhones, video-whats-its and toilet paper. We’ll get along just fine for generations more.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.