Hat Worn In Lieu Of Shower

Derek Mariscone, a 28-year-old social media manager from Chicago, successfully fooled everyone he encountered last Tuesday when he wore a hat instead of showering. Mariscone said the idea just came to him the night before.

“I was staying up late watching something that wasn’t porn,” said Mariscone, “and dreading how early I was going to have to get up the next day to shower before work. I didn’t want to shower, but I knew I had to.”

Mariscone recalled thinking that people would immediately be able to tell by the state of his hair that he had willfully neglected his personal hygiene.

“Then it hit me,” said Mariscone, “If I just wear a hat then no one will be able to see my hair, they won’t be able to tell that I’m actually a disgusting greaseball. I don’t know why no one has thought of this before.”

Mariscone strode about Chicago yesterday brimming with confidence despite feeling like an ape turd.

“Normally when I don’t bathe I just feel so gross and depressed the whole day,” said Mariscone. “I still felt it, of course, but this time nobody really saw it. They still saw me use my sleeves as napkins and cry in the Wendy’s parking lot, but I could tell this time people thought it was for a cool reason and not just because I’m a pathetic loser.”

Mariscone’s coworkers also noted a positive change in the man they once forgot about and accidentally locked in the building during a gas leak.

“I was actually planning on firing Derek today,” said Mariscone’s boss Sheila Burns, “but I saw some guy wearing a hat sitting at Derek’s desk, so I assume I already fired him during a coke high and just don’t remember. But I’ll tell you what I do remember, and it’s that that little moron never wore hats. It’s the one thing about him I found tolerable.”

Mariscone made no official claim as to whether or not he would undergo the full “hat guy” conversion.

“I guess I’ve thought about being a hat guy, I don’t know,” said Mariscone. “I mean, I’d have to change my name to Mike or Rob or something, and I’d probably have to start wearing shirts with words on them and post political things on Facebook. I don’t know, I’m really just experimenting right now.”

Mariscone said he’s unsure whether his future will be a hat filled one, but he was able to guarantee that he will quit bathing indefinitely.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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12 Ways To Enjoy Valentine’s Day While Single

Valentine’s Day is a great way for taken women to feel cherished and for taken men to feel poor. For the single word, however, Valentine’s Day can be an abysmal reminder that loneliness is the only true constant in the universe. Here are some tips you can use to stave those terrible thoughts away this Tuesday.

 

1. Tell people you’re refusing to celebrate this year because we shouldn’t take any focus off of Black History Month.

2. Spend the day with another single friend and see if your outbursts of bipolar depression sync up.

3. Eat enough chocolate to put yourself in a coma for the whole day.

4. Put some thought into that yearly Facebook post where you slam Valentine’s Day for being a made-up holiday used by Big Chocolate to increase their first quarter profits.

5. Masturbate.

6. Perform chores and errands that most people wouldn’t do on Valentine’s Day, such as doing your taxes, organizing your garage, writing your manifesto, etc.

7. Avoid Jen’s desk.

8. Visit a bar to prove to yourself that other people are just as alone and dysfunctional as you.

9. Tell yourself that you’re going to start working out so that you don’t wind up in the same situation next Valentine’s Day, and then assure yourself that this week isn’t a good time to start.

10. In the days before February 14th, place electrodes around your body that shock you each time you think of an ex. By the time Valentine’s Day arrives you’ll either be cured of your lingering feelings or go on a homicidal rampage.

11. Work on your erotic science fiction novella.

12. Go back in time and kill St. Valentine before he gets all those snakes out of Mary’s uterus or whatever it is.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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Area Teen Survives Car Wreck, Lives to Tweet About It

16-year-old Rhode Islander Caitlyn Summers nearly died yesterday on her way home from school when swerved off the road and hit a tree after being distracted by her phone.

“It’s really a miracle that she wasn’t injured any more than she was,” said first responder Dale Earle. “The car is completely totaled and somehow she walks away without a scratch.”

Immediately following the incident, Caitlyn crawled out of the wreck, phone in hand, and began taking pictures to upload onto Instagram and Facebook instead of calling 911. Caitlyn then started posing next to the wreck and talking “selfies” to send to her Snapchat friends.

Caitlyn then started to tweet about her car accident. Reports say that other drivers passed by Caitlyn and stopped to ask if she needed assistance or to see if emergency services were on their way.

“Oh-em-gee get out of my face!” Caitlyn reportedly told one passerby. “I’m literally tweeting right now and you’re being all up in my shit like some perv.”

Eventually emergency services were dispatched. First responders came arrived at the scene to witness Caitlyn recording a Vine in which she attempted to reenact the crash. Paramedic Dale Earle says the hardest thing to do was tear the teenager away from her phone.

“We were checking to see if she might have been in shock, and amazing she seemed to react pretty normally while she was using her phone. It was when the device was taken away from her that she suddenly became catatonic.”

Caitlyn’s friend Meagan, who was in the passenger seat at the time of the accident, has been in a coma ever since.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Even Fucking Jeremy Getting Married Now

Facebook has been flooded recently with posts announcing the engagements and wedding plans of numerous former friends and classmates from high school, but early reports are coming in that even fucking Jeremy Cooper is among them.

Jeremy, who was known around high school for his antics that included throwing pumpkins at speeding trucks, urinating in the gas tank of the principal’s car and eating a burger found off the side of a highway over a 30 dollar bet, has somehow landed a fiancée before you’ve even had your first serious real-world girlfriend.

Investigations were launched to see if Jeremy’s fiancée “Alyssa Kruger,” who you’ve never even heard of, is in fact an actual person and not someone Jeremy made up. Reports indicate, however, that not only is Alyssa real, she’s also college-educated and far more attractive than any of the three girls you’ve dated seriously.

No one has yet to understand what Alyssa sees in the guy who in high school was known for never being seen with a backpack and owning just three shirts that were all obtained at rock concerts, but many speculate it’s a Green Card marriage or she has some sort of personality disorder, because there’s no goddamn way this is really happening.

Jeremy, who in high school always seemed to smell like morning breath and was voted “Most Likely to Contract Rabies at Least Twice” when he graduated two years late, will likely be sending out wedding invitations sometime next month. Many of his Facebook friends have started taking bets on where the wedding will take place, maybe like the parking lot of the country’s largest Sam’s Club or the hole Jeb Bush was born in or something. Either way the marriage will probably only last like six months, right? It just can’t go a full year. There’s just no way.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Social Media Site for Psychopaths Goes Viral

A new social media service called “Spatter,” targeted specifically towards psychopaths, rapists and serial killers, went viral shortly after its launch six days ago.

Nicknamed “Facebook for crazies,” Spatter allows sadists and murderers to post pictures and short videos of their latest sick and twisted escapades. The site also contains a “journals” section, where users can describe in detail their latest murder, their plans to commit murder, and everything they’ve learned about their favorite stalking victim.

One reviewer on Yelp called it, “a soulless hive of pure inhuman scum that exemplifies depravity in its truest form and engenders everything our society fights to discontinue,” while another Yelp reviewer said, “finally.”

Social media analysts have attributed the success of Spatter to its attention towards the previously neglected demographic of whack jobs. This was affirmed by Spatter user “BeautifulBlades.”

“It’s magnificent to have a place online where I can meet people with similar interests and share my experiences,” said BeautifulBlades. “When I post pictures on Facebook or Instagram of the messages I carve into shaved animals, I get the feeling like nobody cares. But now, somebody cares. Somebody cares…”

Spatter was created by the same developers behind SlashMeet, a dating app for the same demographic. SlashMeet was designed to allow psychopaths and the criminally insane to find similar people in their area so they could swap stalking victims, trade weapons, or casually hook-up. The app failed, however, since most of the people who downloaded SlashMeet used it to find out who in their local area was a sadistic psycho so they knew who to avoid and/or report to the police.

 

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mom Makes it to Midnight During New Year’s Eve, Family Shocked

The Scott family is still astonished by family matriarch Morgan Scott’s ability to stay awake last night in time to see the New Year’s ball drop in New York City. This marks the first time since her children were born that Morgan was able to stay awake until midnight over New Year’s Eve.

“I think all of us are in a state of complete astonishment,” said Morgan’s husband Dennis. “I truly thought we’d never see it happen again.”

Morgan is notorious within the family for going to bed early every night and her husband and children often make fun of her for it. Now that she’s broken that glass ceiling, the family has been struggling to find other flaws to point out.

“What’s worse is she keeps rubbing it in our faces,” said Morgan’s son Jeremy. “Like staying up for New Year’s is a normal thing that everyone does and she’s acting like she just cured cancer.”

In fact, Morgan is as pleased with herself as her family is shocked. Morgan’s ability to stay up for New Year’s was the primary conversation topic over breakfast because Morgan constantly brought it up.

“She’s lost it,” said Morgan’s teenage daughter Debbie. “She won’t stop posting about it on Facebook and it’s weirding me out.”

 

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Walmart to Replace Greeters with Drones

This past weekend, Walmart spokesperson Patty Ellis announced the company’s plans to replace its Greeters with remotely-controlled drones. The proposition calls for a dozen unmanned aerial hovercraft to wait at the entrance of every store and inform customers of current promotions and sales.

“Drones are the next big thing,” said Ellis frankly. “Walmart has been trailing behind in the technology game, so it was either this or finish installing automatic doors in all of our stores.”

The drones will be operated by certified pilots in an off-site location, safe and far from any real customers. For many Greeters, this means unemployment.

“I’ve given my life to this job,” says Sheila Duncan, a life-long Walmart Greeter who died at her post twenty years ago before being revived by a customer who had just purchased a defibrillator. “Now I have to decide if I should leave my job or go back to drone school. No one should have to make that choice.”

Walmart is the fourth multi-billion dollar company that wishes to implement drones into its business, following Amazon, Google, and Facebook. Facebook has been using drone technology since its inception in 2004 in the form of its users.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.