SPECIAL REPORT: The Night-Eagle

Sovereign City has been America’s crime-ridden embarrassment for decades. Once a benchmark of metropolitan greatness, the city has devolved into a cesspool of violence and moral destitution. With the local government seemingly unable or uninterested in saving Sovereign City and its people, is there any hope that the city will have its time in the light again? Is there anything that can inspire the citizens of SC to build a better society? Some SC residents say they have found a source of hope and inspiration in their dying city, and that source is the elusive and mysterious vigilante known as “The Night-Eagle.”

The first sighting of this costumed crusader was last November. Rose Carlisle, an elderly woman who has been living in SC her whole life, was walking down a darkened, deserted street one night when she was mugged by an unknown assailant. The assailant took her purse, pushed her to the ground, and said something that was insulting but still age appropriate. Before Rose knew what was happening, a masked man in an eagle suit swooped down and tackled the mugger.

“It was the second most incredible thing I have ever seen,” said Rose. “The first was seeing Muse in concert eight years ago.”

The masked man beat the mugger senseless before returning Rose’s purse to her.

“He was muscular. He had a long beak instead of a mouth and nose, and black bulletproof feathered wings. I thanked him and asked who he was, but he just squawked and flew off into the night.”

Since then, dozens of sightings of the Night-Eagle have cropped up all around Sovereign City. Each sighting took place at night and involved the prevention of a crime.

“I saw him tear into a carjacker,” said Devon Lucas, another witness. “He landed on top of the car and ripped off the roof with these big talons he had, then he pecked at the thief driving it until he crashed.”

Since his appearance, the Night-Eagle has been a major point of controversy in local government. The mayor of Sovereign City officially denounced the Night-Eagle’s actions in a recent press conference.

“He’s a menace to society,” said the mayor, “no different than the criminals he assaults. We don’t need a bird of prey running around with no authority, dealing out justice as he sees fit.” The mayor of Sovereign City has approved a special taskforce to arrest the Night-Eagle, despite the vigilante having the support of many law enforcement officers.

But as with any major issue, the question must be asked… what do wealthy celebrities have to say? Vick Vaughn, a local billionaire playboy and owner/inheritor of Vaughn Inc, the largest corporation in Sovereign City, says the Night-Eagle is a disgrace.

“He hasn’t done any good for this city,” said Vaughn at an annual fundraiser he hosts that raises money to install helicopter pads on yachts. Vaughn has a personal connection to crime because both his parents were murdered in front of him as a child when a moviegoer shot them for loudly talking throughout a showing of “The Angry Birds Movie.”

“If you want to see good being done for this city then just look at me,” continued Vaughn as he scratched at a mysterious injury on his neck. “The Vaughn Foundation raised over 36 million dollars last year to help restore the orphanages that were blown up by the Night-Eagle’s arch-nemesis ‘The Poacher.’ I don’t support the Night-Eagle’s actions and I distance myself from him in every way possible.”

But who is the Night-Eagle beneath the beak? Is he a hero, a criminal, or just a weirdo? Is he like a pride parade in that he’s having a positive effect on the city despite being controversial, or is he more like an erection on an airplane in that he’s doing more harm than good? Do I have time to write a better ending than this?

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Ways To Trick People Into Thinking You’re Cool

Everyone wants to be cool, but like money or a good head of hair, coolness is impossible to obtain unless you’re born with it. Fortunately people are idiots, so tricking them into thinking you’re a cool person isn’t all that difficult. Just make sure that you follow these simple tips.

 

1. Fashion is a primary indicator of coolness, and it’s always changing. Try to keep up with the latest fashion trends by watching teenagers from behind a bush.

2. Protesting is really in right now, so pretend like you care about something other than yourself.

3. Tattoos are only cool if you have only one and it’s of a bird or a triangle or something. Never get a tattoo that people have to read. Reading is for dorks.

4. The type of phone you use says a lot about how cool you are. iPhones are the coolest, but keep in mind that your next phone can only be an iPhone if your current phone is an iPhone. That’s how cool they are.

5. Feign bisexuality.

6. Choose your career wisely. Right now the coolest professions are actor, sex worker, and YouTube vlogger, while the most un-cool professions are reporter, President, and comedy blogger.

7. Be in a band, but only as a hobby.

8. The nerdy things of the past have become the cool things of the present, i.e. superheroes and video games. Get a leg-up on the cool things of the future by hoarding the nerdy things of now, i.e. Facebook accounts and anything from Japan.

9. Start familiarizing yourself with music performed by people who wear things that can’t legally be considered clothing.

10. Make up words that have no meaning, but say it with enough confidence that people want to copy you. It’s the best way to flipshop your bumskibibble.

11. Elective dietary restrictions are really cool right now. Pick a delicious thing and make up a reason for why you can’t have it.

12. Vape.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to be a part of this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Bizarre Facts You Won’t Believe About DC Superheroes

Last week we ran a piece about 10 Bizarre Facts You Won’t Believe About Marvel Superheroes.  The strangeness doesn’t stop there,  however,  as Marvel’s biggest competitor is not without its own character quirks.  Here are 10 of the strangest qualities about superheroes from the DC Comics universe.

 

1. The Flash had a female counterpart called “The Lady Flash,” however her comic was banned for nudity despite its unparalleled success.

2. Supergirl is actually Superman’s cousin. Krypto the Superdog is Superman’s uncle.

3. The Martian Manhunter is a shape-shifter who could lose the weight anytime he wants to. He’s just doesn’t want to right now.

4. Zatanna dresses like a stripper dressed as a magician to trick her enemies. In reality, she is an actual magician.

5. Before women’s suffrage, Wonder Woman was the Justice League’s secretary.

6. In the comics, Aquaman is the King of Atlantis. He often teams up with The Human Claus, King of the North Pole.

7. Black Canary’s main power is a supersonic screech, so she’s useless in space.

8. Batman doesn’t actually have any superpowers. His alter ego, Bruce Wayne, is just a billionaire who uses gadgets to fight crime in his decrepit city.

9. Green Arrow doesn’t actually have any superpowers. His alter ego, Oliver Queen, is just a billionaire who uses gadgets to fight crime in his decrepit city.

10. Cyborg was born half human and half machine. His father was a prominent computer technician and software developer, and his mother was a ’92 IBM computer.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Bizarre Facts You Won’t Believe About Marvel Superheroes

Marvel movies are consistently the highest grossing films every year, however few people still take the time to read the comics. Many of these characters have been around for 50 years or more and have taken some pretty strange turns in that time. Here are our 10 favorite bizarre facts about the characters of the Marvel universe.

 

1. Spider-Man’s only weakness is all pesticides.

2. Wolverine had his skeleton replaced with the strongest metal in existence and his blood replaced with diet soda.

3. Each member of the Fantastic Four has their own sidekick, which together form the Quiescent Cuatro.

4. Apparently Iron Man’s superpower is never calling you back even though he said he would and that he enjoyed being with you and just… ugh, he’s just such an asshole.

5. Dr. Doom received his doctorate in Contemporary French Poetry.

6. Captain America is a white supremacist.

7. Bruce Banner turned into The Incredible Hulk when his experiments to find a cure for erectile dysfunction went horribly wrong.

8. Gambit only helps out the X-Men when he regains control over his gambling addiction.

9. The Silver Surfer always finishes in second place.

10. Professor Xavier lost the use of his legs during a skiing accident.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Boston Employs Supervillains to Assist with Removal of Snow

Boston, Massachusetts, has been in a state of emergency since last weekend’s snowfall with more on the way tonight. With a record-breaking 9 feet of snow on the ground, the city has had to call upon the world’s most devious supervillains to assist emergency services with clearing out the snow.

“I and my staff understand the dangers of trusting our city with these insane villains,” said mayor Dalton Dunley, “especially given how often most of them have threatened to destroy it. But desperate times call for desperate measures.”

The mayor called upon Dr. Diabolico this morning to use his Mega-Space Deathray to melt the snow down in order to create a manageable flooding problem. Other supervillains like The Black Magnus have been obliterating the snow with Super Energy Bombs and De-Atomization Beams.

Every supervillain currently working on Boston’s snow problem has been promised the power to rule over Boston for an entire day. This has some Bostonians worried.

“I think the mayor’s forgetting what some of these crooks have done in the past,” said local resident Julian Harris. “The Human Roach picked up my Chevy and threw it at Windex-Woman a few months ago before I had the thing paid off. I get that they’re trying to help, but these guys know one thing and one thing only, and that’s property damage.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.