Massachusetts

Catholic Church Makes Push For Millennial Followers

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It’s no secret that younger generations are becoming more secular. Torture, indoctrination, and other old methods of conversion are sadly unacceptable in modern society, and many religious institutions are struggling to keep up. The Catholic Church, however, appears to have found a solution.

“Young people live in a world of instant gratification,” says Father Tolladay, the Church’s most tech-savvy priest. “They don’t want to work for salvation, they want it as fast as it takes them to swipe right.”

Father Tolladay has created an app called “uMass,” which leads its users in daily prayers and important rites, so that people don’t have to interrupt their busy, sinful lives in order to be saved. uMass also allows for easy, digital confessions.

“Simply navigate to the confessionals screen and select the sins you’ve committed from a wide array of options. It has everything from pettier sins like lying and stealing, to more intense sins like masturbating in a movie theater or selling your daughter’s dirty socks on the internet. Whichever sins you’ve committed, uMass will calculate exactly what prayers you need to say in order to have them forgiven.”

The app hasn’t dropped yet, but support from millennial consumers is already pouring in.

“Of course I want to get into Heaven,” says millennial Ashley Millard, “mostly because of how exclusive it is. But between my longboarding league, my nonprofit organic kale-milk farm, and my online protest organizing, I really don’t have enough time for salvation.”

Father Tolladay will be honored with the first digital sainthood in the Church’s history. uMass will roll out as soon as the Catholic Church wins its legal battle with the University of Massachusetts.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

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The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Millennial Living At Home With Parents Hiding Secret Second Family

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Thom and Dana Corrigan of Celroy, Massachusetts, were shocked to discover this past Monday that their 24-year-old son Josh had been hiding a secret second family from them for nearly three years. Josh has been living with Thom and Dana since graduating college two years ago.

What surprised Thom and Dana the most, however, is that the family their son was seeing in secret consisted of Josh and a different married couple Thom and Dana’s age. Psychologist Marianna Quinn commented on the matter.

“In most cases of secret families you have a man, typically a man of influence, who falls out of love with his spouse and in love with someone else. Instead of leaving his spouse he starts a new life with his new love, often in a different town and under a different name. And then of course the original spouse finds out she burns down the childhood home of that bitch who ruined her life but makes sure she’s somewhere public when it all goes down so she has a solid alibi… but anyway, the case of Josh Corrigan is different because he didn’t start a new family. He just latched onto a different one.”

Thom and Dana were under the impression that their son Josh had a part time job; he would play video games during the day, and then leave for his job at night. In truth, Josh had no part time job. At night he would instead go to the home of empty nesters Riley and Shauna Levinson and continue playing video games at their house.

“Our son Daniel was in a car accident three years ago,” said Shauna. “One day Josh came to our door and told us that he was Daniel, but that the accident rearranged his face so he looked different now. We had no reason not to believe him.”

In truth, Josh and Daniel had planned this stunt together while the two met as roommates in college. Josh confessed to Daniel that he had no aspirations in life, and Daniel was sick of his parents taking care of him. The two faked a car accident so that Josh could assume Daniel’s sheltered life, and Daniel could move across the country to become more independent.

The two were finally caught when Shauna Levinson caught Josh eating a burger.

“My son Daniel would never eat red meat,” said Shauna. “He’s too afraid of that mad cow disease. I’m not sure what really gave it away, but it was definitely either the burger or the fact that Josh would constantly hit on me.”

Josh has been charged with identify fraud, and Daniel has been charged with aiding and abetting. Their life’s story is currently being adapted into a comedy movie that probably stars Ryan Reynolds and some nerd.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Boston Employs Supervillains to Assist with Removal of Snow

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Boston, Massachusetts, has been in a state of emergency since last weekend’s snowfall with more on the way tonight. With a record-breaking 9 feet of snow on the ground, the city has had to call upon the world’s most devious supervillains to assist emergency services with clearing out the snow.

“I and my staff understand the dangers of trusting our city with these insane villains,” said mayor Dalton Dunley, “especially given how often most of them have threatened to destroy it. But desperate times call for desperate measures.”

The mayor called upon Dr. Diabolico this morning to use his Mega-Space Deathray to melt the snow down in order to create a manageable flooding problem. Other supervillains like The Black Magnus have been obliterating the snow with Super Energy Bombs and De-Atomization Beams.

Every supervillain currently working on Boston’s snow problem has been promised the power to rule over Boston for an entire day. This has some Bostonians worried.

“I think the mayor’s forgetting what some of these crooks have done in the past,” said local resident Julian Harris. “The Human Roach picked up my Chevy and threw it at Windex-Woman a few months ago before I had the thing paid off. I get that they’re trying to help, but these guys know one thing and one thing only, and that’s property damage.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 18 Most Interesting Moments in the Life of Brian Williams

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Recently,  NBC news anchor Brain Williams claimed to be in a US military helicopter when it crashed in Iraq.  The claim turned out to be false,  leading to an investigation in some of Williams’ other reports,  including his coverage of Hurricane Katrina.  The reporter’s life,  however,  is apparently full of astonishing stories that can be found in his autobiography,  “The Life of Brian.”  Here are 18 of the more interesting incidents from Williams’ life.

 

1. Shadowed Seal Team 6 on the night Osama bin Laden was killed.

2. Physically tore down the Berlin wall.

3. Played one of the penguins featured in  “March of the Penguins.”

4. Beat the Elite Four in  “Pokémon: Silver edition”  in under six hours.

5. Became the first of two people to have sex in space (along with his co-pilot Jennifer Aniston).

6. Inspired the events depicted in  “Taken 3.”

7. Wrote Tina Turner’s  “What’s Love Got to Do with It.”

8. Met Bruce Wayne at a charity function some years ago.

9. Won The Voice.

10. Rode to Lexington,  Massachusetts,  to warn Samuel Adams and John Hancock that the British were coming.

11. Once hunted ghosts with Dan Aykroyd,  Harold Ramis and  “A Black One.”

12. Broke up with Taylor Swift,  inspiring five of her songs.

13. Rescued those hostages at Nakatomi Plaza.

14. Was the first to report on the death of Julius Caesar.

15. Founded Starbucks.

16. Survived the Death Star explosion.

17. Died on the cross for the sins of mankind.

18. Reported the news on NBC.

Brian Williams also claimed to have created the internet and buried Jimmy Hoffa,  but Al Gore has come forward claiming responsibility for both of these things.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Man Stopped at Red Light Inches Forward, Feels Accomplished

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Duane Gellman of Harristown, Massachusetts, reported feeling an overwhelming sense of achievement after creeping forward a few inches while stopped at a red light on his way home from work Friday evening.

The decision to inch forward was made about twelve seconds after halting at the light, and the overall process lasted only about two seconds. Gellman says he immediately felt exhilarated once he finished the exercise, claiming that it was the most productive thing he had done all day.

Gellman reported that he’s noticed other drivers practicing this activity but never thought much of it. He says he’s always dismissed it as silly and pointless, but has changed his mind about it since last weekend. Gellman reported feeling as though he has been living his entire life blindfolded, and only the act of slow, brief and minimal coasting can blow that blindfold off.

Gellman has started inching forward at every chance he gets. While parallel parking over the weekend, Gellman was spotted inching his car forward until nearly hitting the parked car in front of him, then throwing it in reverse just so he could do it again.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.