Catholic Church Makes Push For Millennial Followers

It’s no secret that younger generations are becoming more secular. Torture, indoctrination, and other old methods of conversion are sadly unacceptable in modern society, and many religious institutions are struggling to keep up. The Catholic Church, however, appears to have found a solution.

“Young people live in a world of instant gratification,” says Father Tolladay, the Church’s most tech-savvy priest. “They don’t want to work for salvation, they want it as fast as it takes them to swipe right.”

Father Tolladay has created an app called “uMass,” which leads its users in daily prayers and important rites, so that people don’t have to interrupt their busy, sinful lives in order to be saved. uMass also allows for easy, digital confessions.

“Simply navigate to the confessionals screen and select the sins you’ve committed from a wide array of options. It has everything from pettier sins like lying and stealing, to more intense sins like masturbating in a movie theater or selling your daughter’s dirty socks on the internet. Whichever sins you’ve committed, uMass will calculate exactly what prayers you need to say in order to have them forgiven.”

The app hasn’t dropped yet, but support from millennial consumers is already pouring in.

“Of course I want to get into Heaven,” says millennial Ashley Millard, “mostly because of how exclusive it is. But between my longboarding league, my nonprofit organic kale-milk farm, and my online protest organizing, I really don’t have enough time for salvation.”

Father Tolladay will be honored with the first digital sainthood in the Church’s history. uMass will roll out as soon as the Catholic Church wins its legal battle with the University of Massachusetts.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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13 Tips For Getting That Perfect Beach Body

With beach season nearly here it’s time for us all to shed our gross winter bodies and show off the normal attractive human body we’ve been gestating for seven months. But if you’re not a slug monster then you’ll have to get that summer bod a more traditional way. Here’s a few tips on how to fit into that swimsuit that you said you’d throw out last year.

 

1. Running is a great way to get in shape. If you need a little extra motivation to get moving, hire someone to kill you.

2. Cover yourself in a mirror suit so that no one can see your gross body. This will also keep you cool and blind anyone that annoys you.

3. Use an app.

4. Trying eating only newspaper and receipts for a whole month.

5. Be rich enough that your looks don’t matter.

6. Surgery is always an option. Try that one where they slice you open and toss rabid squirrels in your fatty parts.

7. Draw people’s eyes away from your gross body by going to the beach with someone attractive, such as a guy who’s attended business school or a woman whose father owns a boat.

8. Use a weight loss drug such as cocaine or meth.

9. Tattoo a skinny person onto your body to fool everyone.

10. Travel to the center of the galaxy and consume the singularity at its core.

11. Try one of those new slimming five-piece bikinis.

12. Hire a body double to go to the beach for you.

13. Join a gym. The effort it takes to get in your car, drive to a gym and fill out a membership form will burn off at least eight calories.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.