cocaine

12 Tips For Exceptional Dental Hygiene

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Taking care of your teeth is a lot like living in a storage unit after your wife leaves you for your younger brother; nobody wants to do it, but it’s something we all have to go through. Brushing and flossing is easy once you get into the routine, but if you’re like most Americans, you don’t have time to clean your teeth because you’re too busy cleaning your guns. If you’re falling behind on your dental hygiene then check out these 12 tips on how to get back into it.

 

1. Go to sleep each night with leeches covering your teeth. They’ll suck out the bacteria and leave your mouth fresh with the stench of death each morning.

2. You can protect your teeth by coating them with insulation before each meal.

3. Avoid eating.

4. Preemptively get rid of your cavities by injecting hot metal into your teeth, or however that works.

5. Use a stick instead of a toothbrush. Nature is always healthy.

6. Construct an army of highly advanced nanobots that use lasers to blast away any plaque or tartar that might be building up in those hard-to-reach crevasses.

7. At the end of every day, pull out each of your teeth individually, and rigorously polish them. Then simply superglue them back in before going to sleep.

8. Coffee, tea, soda, and other drinks that give you energy are all bad for your teeth. Avoid them altogether and use less harmful cocaine for your morning stimulant.

9. Have all your teeth replaced with pearls. You won’t need to maintain them anymore and you’ll always look like a princess.

10. Date a dental hygienist to get free work done every week. There’s nothing more romantic than being poked with needles and then asked to spit.

11. Use uranium-enriched floss. Bacteria cannot survive in an irradiated environment.

12. Chewing gum can actually be good for your teeth. Chocolate can be good for your teeth as well, but it’s the sugar in both that do the real harm. Tell yourself little lies like this to free yourself of any guilt.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips For Getting That Perfect Beach Body

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With beach season nearly here it’s time for us all to shed our gross winter bodies and show off the normal attractive human body we’ve been gestating for seven months. But if you’re not a slug monster then you’ll have to get that summer bod a more traditional way. Here’s a few tips on how to fit into that swimsuit that you said you’d throw out last year.

 

1. Running is a great way to get in shape. If you need a little extra motivation to get moving, hire someone to kill you.

2. Cover yourself in a mirror suit so that no one can see your gross body. This will also keep you cool and blind anyone that annoys you.

3. Use an app.

4. Trying eating only newspaper and receipts for a whole month.

5. Be rich enough that your looks don’t matter.

6. Surgery is always an option. Try that one where they slice you open and toss rabid squirrels in your fatty parts.

7. Draw people’s eyes away from your gross body by going to the beach with someone attractive, such as a guy who’s attended business school or a woman whose father owns a boat.

8. Use a weight loss drug such as cocaine or meth.

9. Tattoo a skinny person onto your body to fool everyone.

10. Travel to the center of the galaxy and consume the singularity at its core.

11. Try one of those new slimming five-piece bikinis.

12. Hire a body double to go to the beach for you.

13. Join a gym. The effort it takes to get in your car, drive to a gym and fill out a membership form will burn off at least eight calories.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.