12 Ways To Trick People Into Thinking You’re Cool

Everyone wants to be cool, but like money or a good head of hair, coolness is impossible to obtain unless you’re born with it. Fortunately people are idiots, so tricking them into thinking you’re a cool person isn’t all that difficult. Just make sure that you follow these simple tips.

 

1. Fashion is a primary indicator of coolness, and it’s always changing. Try to keep up with the latest fashion trends by watching teenagers from behind a bush.

2. Protesting is really in right now, so pretend like you care about something other than yourself.

3. Tattoos are only cool if you have only one and it’s of a bird or a triangle or something. Never get a tattoo that people have to read. Reading is for dorks.

4. The type of phone you use says a lot about how cool you are. iPhones are the coolest, but keep in mind that your next phone can only be an iPhone if your current phone is an iPhone. That’s how cool they are.

5. Feign bisexuality.

6. Choose your career wisely. Right now the coolest professions are actor, sex worker, and YouTube vlogger, while the most un-cool professions are reporter, President, and comedy blogger.

7. Be in a band, but only as a hobby.

8. The nerdy things of the past have become the cool things of the present, i.e. superheroes and video games. Get a leg-up on the cool things of the future by hoarding the nerdy things of now, i.e. Facebook accounts and anything from Japan.

9. Start familiarizing yourself with music performed by people who wear things that can’t legally be considered clothing.

10. Make up words that have no meaning, but say it with enough confidence that people want to copy you. It’s the best way to flipshop your bumskibibble.

11. Elective dietary restrictions are really cool right now. Pick a delicious thing and make up a reason for why you can’t have it.

12. Vape.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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10 Tips For Creating The Perfect Dating App Profile (Men)

Mobile dating apps are becoming increasingly popular among the young, the attractive, and the serial killers. But creating a profile for a dating app that gets the right kind of attention can be tricky, especially if you’re a nerd or a loser. To make it easier, try following these simple steps to creating a successful profile for any dating app.

 

1. Most women are attracted to money. Give off a wealthy vibe by using rich-people words in your bio, such as “transaction,” “boat,” or “escrow.”

2. Don’t wear a shirt in your profile picture. Any man who isn’t allowed in most restaurants is boyfriend material; women know that.

3. Be confident. Don’t ask her if she wants to get a drink when you can tell her that she wants to get a drink.

4. Be sure to show off your tattoos in your profile photo. If you’re coming here for advice then whatever you have now is not enough, so use crayons or markers to enhance.

5. Post pictures of all the animals you killed recently to demonstrate that you know how to protect her.

6. Women like men who are direct, so make sure your profile lists all the sexual positions you’re comfortable with.

7. Nothing turns women on more than the music of John Philip Sousa, so mention somewhere that you’re a total sousaphile.

8. 53% of women voted for Trump in 2016, so if you praise the Great Orange God-King in your profile then about half the women you match with will tolerate being groped indiscriminately, which is probably why you downloaded this app in the first place.

9. Smart is the new sexy. Show off that you own a smart watch, drive a Smart cart, and drink SmartWater.

10. Don’t lose hope. Crafting a successful dating app profile is just like using a public bathroom in the dark; it takes a lot of time and a lot of guess work, but if done correctly it will eventually lead to you contracting an STD.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips For Getting That Perfect Beach Body

With beach season nearly here it’s time for us all to shed our gross winter bodies and show off the normal attractive human body we’ve been gestating for seven months. But if you’re not a slug monster then you’ll have to get that summer bod a more traditional way. Here’s a few tips on how to fit into that swimsuit that you said you’d throw out last year.

 

1. Running is a great way to get in shape. If you need a little extra motivation to get moving, hire someone to kill you.

2. Cover yourself in a mirror suit so that no one can see your gross body. This will also keep you cool and blind anyone that annoys you.

3. Use an app.

4. Trying eating only newspaper and receipts for a whole month.

5. Be rich enough that your looks don’t matter.

6. Surgery is always an option. Try that one where they slice you open and toss rabid squirrels in your fatty parts.

7. Draw people’s eyes away from your gross body by going to the beach with someone attractive, such as a guy who’s attended business school or a woman whose father owns a boat.

8. Use a weight loss drug such as cocaine or meth.

9. Tattoo a skinny person onto your body to fool everyone.

10. Travel to the center of the galaxy and consume the singularity at its core.

11. Try one of those new slimming five-piece bikinis.

12. Hire a body double to go to the beach for you.

13. Join a gym. The effort it takes to get in your car, drive to a gym and fill out a membership form will burn off at least eight calories.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Nihilist’s New Tattoo Not Representative of Anything

Reggie Hawker, a 28-year-old drug store cashier and recently self-proclaimed “nihilist” just got his newest tattoo of a serpent with an assault rifle finished, however Reggie claims that his beliefs forbid him from acknowledging the tattoo as representative of anything.

“The truth is, and no one will tell you this because everyone else is blind,” said Reggie, “everything in this world is meaningless. We’re just shadows on the ever changing reflecting pool of existence, drifting through the echoes of blackness and infinity. Everything we do comes from the void, so everything we do becomes void in itself.”

Reggie has many other tattoos from his youth but every one of them meant something to him when he received them. The image on his bicep of a flaming cross impaling the planet with the text “vini, vidi, vici,” for example, was supposed to represent global religious imperialism and expose the agenda behind organized religion. Reggie’s tattoo of a sad clown stabbing the American flag while Spider-Man watches with an erection, meanwhile, was originally representative of Reggie’s father.

Since declaring himself a nihilist, however, Reggie has stopped trying to express himself and has instead decided to make all of his decisions based on nothing. This latest tattoo is a result of that way of thinking.

“I’m telling you, it doesn’t mean anything, man,” Reggie continued, “because nothing does. All my ink from now on I’ll get for no reason at all because that’s the only reason that matters. You know why I got this serpent with the guns right here? Neither do I. Because that’s life, man. Get used to it. Now, do you have your Rite Aid Wellness rewards card?”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.