iPhone app

10 Tips For Creating The Perfect Dating App Profile (Men)

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Mobile dating apps are becoming increasingly popular among the young, the attractive, and the serial killers. But creating a profile for a dating app that gets the right kind of attention can be tricky, especially if you’re a nerd or a loser. To make it easier, try following these simple steps to creating a successful profile for any dating app.

 

1. Most women are attracted to money. Give off a wealthy vibe by using rich-people words in your bio, such as “transaction,” “boat,” or “escrow.”

2. Don’t wear a shirt in your profile picture. Any man who isn’t allowed in most restaurants is boyfriend material; women know that.

3. Be confident. Don’t ask her if she wants to get a drink when you can tell her that she wants to get a drink.

4. Be sure to show off your tattoos in your profile photo. If you’re coming here for advice then whatever you have now is not enough, so use crayons or markers to enhance.

5. Post pictures of all the animals you killed recently to demonstrate that you know how to protect her.

6. Women like men who are direct, so make sure your profile lists all the sexual positions you’re comfortable with.

7. Nothing turns women on more than the music of John Philip Sousa, so mention somewhere that you’re a total sousaphile.

8. 53% of women voted for Trump in 2016, so if you praise the Great Orange God-King in your profile then about half the women you match with will tolerate being groped indiscriminately, which is probably why you downloaded this app in the first place.

9. Smart is the new sexy. Show off that you own a smart watch, drive a Smart cart, and drink SmartWater.

10. Don’t lose hope. Crafting a successful dating app profile is just like using a public bathroom in the dark; it takes a lot of time and a lot of guess work, but if done correctly it will eventually lead to you contracting an STD.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 15 Best iPhone Apps

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The Apple App Store is filled with a vast assortment of useful and entertaining apps. It can be difficult to tell which of them are a waste and which are worth your time and your money, so Circus Killer decided to check out the best apps there are and give you a brief rundown of what they do. Here are the current best 15 apps for the iPhone.

 

1. Letters with Buds – A classic board game that became a mobile app so you can play it with your friends and family but not have to speak with any of them.

2. Foot Meat – A hook-up app for people with foot fetishes.

3. ReadyRazor – Turns your phone into an electric razor.

4. RealSitter Pro – Makes your phone or tablet mimic a babysitter so you don’t have to hire a real one.

5. Motiv-8 – Motivates users into working out by showing what they’ll look like after 8 years of their current diet and exercise habits.

6. Kredit D-Struktor – A mobile game that automatically charges you 15 cents for every minute it’s on your phone.

7. Peanut Alarm – Primarily used for people with peanut allergies, this app produces a blaring, constant honking noise whenever the user is in the presence of peanuts.

8. Macy Place – Posts random pictures of William H. Macy ten times a day.

9. 4-Foot Vacancies – Identifies unpopulated areas in your vicinity in which a body could be buried quickly.

10. Bejeweled – The free game that was stolen by a company that cannot be named for copyright reasons and was rebranded into a horrible knockoff that became an overnight worldwide sensation but that also cannot be named for copyright reasons.

11. Brown Swipe – Tells users exactly how much to wipe after sending an image of their bowel movements.

12. Shoe Mobile – Makes realistic shoe noises when the user walks around with their phone taped to the bottom of their shoe.

13. Shoe Mobile Swift – Does the same thing as Shoe Mobile only no sound is produced.

14. Doomsday Counter – Counts down to the apocalypse (December 21st, 2012).

15. Zombie Detector – Locates other iPhone users in your immediate area.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Addictive Mobile Game Lets Users Sell Objects from their Homes to Continue Playing

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A new mobile game for iPhone and Android called “Kake Kruncher,” went viral in the last week due to its innovative new feature that allows players to trade household objects and furniture for the ability to progress to other levels.

“It’s an amazing concept and an excellent feature,” says blogger Andre Stausberg who spends his days reviewing iPhone apps. “What I love about it is that it lets players get rid of their possessions on their own terms. Most mobile games force you to pay a small fee to unlock other levels or modes, but those fees add up over time and usually end in debt and the repossession of property from stores or banks. It’s great to finally have a game that doesn’t waste your time and just gets right to the point.”

Kake Kruncher was developed by a company called “StackBab Media,” whose claim to fame is taking games that already exist, prettying them up, and then branding and marketing them more successfully than the original games.

Rumors are circulating that StackBab will be releasing an update shortly that will allow players to unlock the entire game by selling their homes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.