10 Tips For Creating The Perfect Dating App Profile (Women)

Last week, Circus Killer News ran this listicle about how men can construct the perfect profile dating app to attract just the right woman. Praise from our readers flooded in saying how helpful our tips were, but our female readers felt left out. To make it up to them, we decided to make a gender-swapped guide to help women make the perfect profile for any dating app. Ghostbusters.

 

1. Put your zodiac sign in your bio. Astrology is the one thing that all straight men know and care about.

2. Men are terrified of commitments, so don’t mention that you were once committed to an insane asylum after you said a ghost started the fire your fiancée died in.

3. Show that you’re smart but playful. Post a picture of yourself with only Scrabble tiles covering your private areas, for example.

4. Avoid phrases that turn men off, such as “equality,” or “fulltime mom,” but use phrases that turn men on, such as “succulent,” or “part-time milf.”

5. Feet are really in now. It would serve you well to post an image of your feet as your profile pic after having them professionally waxed, bleached, and shrink-rayed.

6. There are a lot of creeps out there, so be sure to include in your bio that your brother is a police officer or a Trump or a manager at a spooky theme restaurant or some other scary thing.

7. Guys don’t like a lot of baggage, so pack light.

8. If it comes up, say you’re a dog person. Statistically, dog people are more likely to have lasting relationships, more satisfying sex lives, and little chunks of meat in their pockets.

9. Be on the lookout for catfish who are only interested in pranking you or stealing your financial information. You can spot them easily; they’re all the attractive ones.

10. Most guys who use dating apps are just looking for someone they can introduce to their ex to prove that they’ve moved on, so as long as you’re blonder than average and put down “acting experience” in your bio then you’ll be fine.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Tips For Creating The Perfect Dating App Profile (Men)

Mobile dating apps are becoming increasingly popular among the young, the attractive, and the serial killers. But creating a profile for a dating app that gets the right kind of attention can be tricky, especially if you’re a nerd or a loser. To make it easier, try following these simple steps to creating a successful profile for any dating app.

 

1. Most women are attracted to money. Give off a wealthy vibe by using rich-people words in your bio, such as “transaction,” “boat,” or “escrow.”

2. Don’t wear a shirt in your profile picture. Any man who isn’t allowed in most restaurants is boyfriend material; women know that.

3. Be confident. Don’t ask her if she wants to get a drink when you can tell her that she wants to get a drink.

4. Be sure to show off your tattoos in your profile photo. If you’re coming here for advice then whatever you have now is not enough, so use crayons or markers to enhance.

5. Post pictures of all the animals you killed recently to demonstrate that you know how to protect her.

6. Women like men who are direct, so make sure your profile lists all the sexual positions you’re comfortable with.

7. Nothing turns women on more than the music of John Philip Sousa, so mention somewhere that you’re a total sousaphile.

8. 53% of women voted for Trump in 2016, so if you praise the Great Orange God-King in your profile then about half the women you match with will tolerate being groped indiscriminately, which is probably why you downloaded this app in the first place.

9. Smart is the new sexy. Show off that you own a smart watch, drive a Smart cart, and drink SmartWater.

10. Don’t lose hope. Crafting a successful dating app profile is just like using a public bathroom in the dark; it takes a lot of time and a lot of guess work, but if done correctly it will eventually lead to you contracting an STD.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.