McDonald’s spokesperson Jerry Panterson announced today that a new line of advertising will begin airing this spring that will be aimed at the type of people who actually do eat at McDonald’s.
“We’ve tried and tried to get new crowds into our restaurants for years by making commercials that appeal to different demographics,” said Panterson. “All of our ads show customers who are attractive and thin and trendy and smile a lot and who don’t have children and are accepting of other people’s lifestyles, but it’s time to face reality. Customers like that simply don’t exist.”
Panterson admits that the McDonald’s advertising team had simply never been inside any of their restaurants and had no idea what they actually like. That team was let go last week and has been replaced by a group of actual McDonald’s customers who, like everyone else that regularly eats at McDonald’s, has never worked in advertising, marketing or any other corporate field.
“We’re excited to finally have a team that really understands our customers,” said Panterson. “This is a new era for McDonald’s; a truthful, legitimate era.”
The team has already begun brainstorming new slogans for fast food chain, including ear-catchers like “When Wendy’s is Closed,” and “Napkins So Fancy They Still Smell like Trees,” and “I’m Accepting It.”
New commercials are reportedly in the process of being filmed, which allegedly feature teenagers with zits, senior citizens who always look depressed, guys who wear work boots more than any other kind of shoe, children who speak louder than is physically possible, people who wear hats solely because their hair is too greasy, and a woman wearing two crosses around her neck for some reason.
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