Realistic McDonald’s Ads to Begin Airing this Spring

McDonald’s spokesperson Jerry Panterson announced today that a new line of advertising will begin airing this spring that will be aimed at the type of people who actually do eat at McDonald’s.

“We’ve tried and tried to get new crowds into our restaurants for years by making commercials that appeal to different demographics,” said Panterson. “All of our ads show customers who are attractive and thin and trendy and smile a lot and who don’t have children and are accepting of other people’s lifestyles, but it’s time to face reality. Customers like that simply don’t exist.”

Panterson admits that the McDonald’s advertising team had simply never been inside any of their restaurants and had no idea what they actually like. That team was let go last week and has been replaced by a group of actual McDonald’s customers who, like everyone else that regularly eats at McDonald’s, has never worked in advertising, marketing or any other corporate field.

“We’re excited to finally have a team that really understands our customers,” said Panterson. “This is a new era for McDonald’s; a truthful, legitimate era.”

The team has already begun brainstorming new slogans for fast food chain, including ear-catchers like “When Wendy’s is Closed,” and “Napkins So Fancy They Still Smell like Trees,” and “I’m Accepting It.”

New commercials are reportedly in the process of being filmed, which allegedly feature teenagers with zits, senior citizens who always look depressed, guys who wear work boots more than any other kind of shoe, children who speak louder than is physically possible, people who wear hats solely because their hair is too greasy, and a woman wearing two crosses around her neck for some reason.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Area Man Forced to Wait 40 Goddamn Minutes for Haircut

Local office worker Donald McMillan was tragically inconvenienced yesterday afternoon when he was forced to wait in a forty minute line just to get a goddamn haircut. Supercuts was the first of many stops that Donald had planned to make after work, but the unusually long wait time forced those plans to be changed.

“I didn’t even have time to stop at a supermarket to get dinner, so I had to resort to fast food,” said Donald. “I mean, I don’t mind fast food at all, but this is the second night in a row now, you know?”

An investigation is underway to determine the cause of the delay, but experts speculate that if Shauna and Gina hadn’t both called in sick, the wait time might have been shortened to fifteen, or even ten minutes.

“What really doesn’t add up about this case,” said renowned haircutologist Dr. Brooke Jenkinsen, “is that Shauna asked to take yesterday off two weeks ago and was denied. And Gina has been flakey ever since she learned that her husband died in Afghanistan. This is going to be a pretty lengthy investigation.”

No news yet on whether or not this scandal will affect Supercuts and its parent company Outstandinghaircuttersanddressers in any lasting way.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Theme Restaurant Opens for Parents who Miss their Kids

A new theme restaurant called “Yungins” has opened up in Illinois designed specifically for parents who miss their children while out on a date away from them. The interior of the restaurant is designed to mirror that of a home with toddlers, complete with paint and crayons smeared on the walls, plastic toys strewn about the establishment, and numerous refrigerators with scribbled drawings of animals and relatives attached with magnets acquired during vacations.

“It just gives you such a homey feeling,” said Beth Wellerman, a stay-at-home mom of three. “We always talk about going out and getting away from the kids but you really start to miss all this cluttered, pointless shit everywhere.”

The restaurant is also fashioned with hidden speakers that constantly play the sounds of children yelling, whining and crying in order to complete the ambiance.

“We want to give parents the feeling that they’re with their children, even when they’re not,” says restaurant owner and founder Melissa Grossman. “Most parents will say that they want a break from their kids, but our restaurant gives those parents an opportunity to face their mistakes head on.”

Yungins’ complete menu consists solely of gourmet chicken tenders, grilled cheese and pizza. Only soda is served and an ice cream sundae for desert is mandatory.

“I’m not at all surprised by how well we’re doing,” continued Melissa. “And it’s such a fun, simple little concept, too. Really the only hard part is keepin’ all the perverts away.”

Yungins also welcomes adults who aren’t parents to stop inside and take a look at the nightmare they can spend the rest of their lives narrowly avoiding.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Apple’s New ‘iFlush’ to Begin Shipping in May

Apple fans across the country are waiting with anticipation for the company’s “iFlush,” to begin selling at the end of next month. The iFlush is the first ever smart toilet that can interface wirelessly through a user’s iPhone or iPad, as well as physically through a user’s butt.

“Once synchronizing the iFlush to any hand-held Apple device,” said Apple spokesperson Navika Vasgupti, “the user can control their iFlush anywhere, anytime. As you can see, not only can I flush remotely, but I can also heat the seat, dispense cleaning fluid and plunge any leftover waste that might be clogging the plumbing.”

The iFlush was delayed multiple times due to an issue with its “auto-plunge” feature that shot clogged waste back up at users while they were using the device. Vasgupti assured during the Apple press conference, however, that this issue was corrected.

“Apple has revolutionized the bathroom experience,” said Vasgupti, “by adding a series of new features that are unlike any toilet you’ve ever seen. For a small extra fee, anyone can download any hundred of additional apps that can turn your iFlush into a gaming system, news outlet or home theater. You’ll never have to leave your toilet again.”

“But that’s not all,” Vasgupti continued. “The iFlush can also be synced to the iCloud. This gives users the ability to store all of their bowel movements so that they can be viewed at any time or shared with a friend.”

The price of the iFlush has yet to be announced, but many tech journalists predict a smart toilet like the iFlush will be in almost every home within the next 10 years.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Man’s Resume Just List of Shows He’s Watched

Years into his search for a job, Blaine Eberts has begun submitting resumes to potential employers that are just a complete lists of television shows he has watched or is currently watching. The people who have received his resume are generally split on whether Blaine has simply given up, or if it’s the most genius career tactic ever conceived.

“I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do with this,” said the manager of a local grocery that Blaine recently applied to. “I mean, it’s great that he’s fully caught up on Game of Thrones, but I don’t see how that’s supposed to help him stack shelves.”

“See, this is a brilliant move,” said a Human Resources manager at a Bank of America. “By just submitting this list of television programs, he’s telling me that I’m not worth his time and that he thinks he’s above this position. It shows how badly he wants to move straight to the top and makes me want to hire him more because I now crave his respect.”

In fact, it does appear that Blaine spent a lot of time crafting this unconventional resume. Everything is color-coded and listed by genre, and it includes charts and graphs for elements such as average number of laughs per episode, average number of deaths per episode, average percentage of non-white people and average number of appearances by Nick Kroll.

Blaine was not available to comment; he’s been busy ever since M*A*S*H was added to Netflix streaming.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Woman Suspiciously Too Attractive to be Working at Burger King

Numerous Burger King customers in Virginia were shocked upon seeing how attractive the newest cashier was at one of the chain’s local, medium sized restaurants.

“I really couldn’t believe it,” said frequent Burger King diner Wayne Portman. “I was pretty sure she was an actress on one of them hidden camera shows or something. But I’ve seen her here maybe eight times in the last two weeks so it’s gotta be legitimate.”

The cashier, Barbara Bealman, started working at Burger King to help pay her way through college since her parents decided to stop paying after an embarrassing alcohol-related incident.

“I’ve never had a job before but everyone is super nice,” said Barbara. “People keep tipping me and giving me their phone numbers… I thought that was just for real fancy restaurants.”

Barbara’s coworkers meanwhile have been trying to figure out what’s wrong with the new cashier.

“Everyone at Burger King’s got something wrong with them,” said Regina Florres, one of the chain’s drive-thru window operators. “Half of our fry cooks have chronic eczema and most of them have braces into their 30s. A lot of the janitors and cleaning staff often try to communicate with the animals they find running around the serving area. Hell, even our manager only works here because he’s on house arrest and lives in one of the trailers that you always see parked in the parking lot. But this new girl… I can’t find one thing wrong with her.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Revolutionary Catholic Church Offering Drive-Thru Confessions

The St. Augustine Catholic Church in Oklahoma became the first religious establishment in the world to offer drive-thru confessions with its revolutionary “absolve-and-go” window that opened yesterday.

“I think it’s a terrific idea,” said local resident Dawn Chaffee who hadn’t been to a confessional in over 10 years. “I stopped going because I got so busy, what with the McGriddle and all. This way I can just drive up and ask for forgiveness without even leaving my car.”

The church’s head priest, Monsignor Faraday, claims he got the idea while running errands that included stopping at the bank, drug store, baldness treatment clinic, and finally a fast food restaurant for lunch. All of these places were drive-thru accessible; Faraday never had to leave his car.

“You don’t have to get out of your car for food, money, drugs or hair-plugs,” said Faraday. “Why should you have to leave your car for Jesus?”

The St. Augustine church has already seen a tremendous increase in church attendance within just one day of opening the absolve-and-go window. Monsignor Faraday has reportedly had a difficult time keeping up with the influx of sinners.

“In order to cope we’re thinking of opening a second window,” said Faraday. “We’ll try to have it installed sometime next month as a ‘10 sins or fewer’ express window.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.