food

KILLER ADVICE: What Should I Do With All The Bones That I Keep Finding On My Property?

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You’re reading ‘Killer Advice,’ a weekly advice column managed by the staff of Circus Killer News. Killer Advice was recently awarded “Best Advice Ever Given” by 9 out of 10 people who had a knife held to their throat.

 

This week’s question comes to us from Silas Guzman, an electrician from Sable Doux, Wisconsin. He writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,
I recently started digging a hole in my backyard so that I could reach China and get authentic Chinese food right on my own property, but when I got just two feet deep on my first hole, I found a human skeleton. I started digging another hole on another spot on my property, and there was a skeleton in that hole, too. I tried digging a hole to China eight more times, and each time I found a different human skeleton. Now I have thousands of bones, but I have no idea what to do with them. Can you think of anyway that these bones would be useful?”

 

Silas, you hit the jackpot. There are so many uses for bones that it’s actually going to be difficult to fit them all into this post. Most of the problems that average Americans face on a daily basis is not having enough bones, so if you play this right, you could be living like a king for the rest of your life.

Before detailing the many uses for bones, however, we have to caution against doing anything with them without knowing where they came from. It’s entirely possible that your home is built on top of a Native American burial ground, and messing around with those bones could lead to a serious poltergeist infestation. You could also wind up with a haunting if the skeletons belong to anyone who was murdered, especially if they were murdered by a clown. Check to make sure none of the funny bones are missing.

One of the ways you could use these bones, Silas, is by putting them out as Halloween decorations. Even if it weren’t that time of year, it’s always a good idea to have skeletons littering your lawn to scare off trespassers. You could also glue different bones together to create a massive bone monster to prop up on your lawn, which would serve the same purpose.

You could also substitute all those bones in your cooking. Bones are an excellent source of calcium, and if you can grind them up into a fine powder then you can mix them in your drinks and your food. You’ll strengthen your immune system significantly, and if you consume enough human bones then you can actually stop yourself from aging. The only negative side to eating human bones is that you might get psychic visions of the person whose bones you’re eating, which can be very annoying.

The last usage we’ll leave you with is the most obvious one; get those bones surgically implanted into your body. The more bones you have, the healthier and stronger you are. Everyone will be able to see the dozens of extra bones beneath your stretched out skin and they will think you are the mightiest person ever.

We hope this helps, Silas, and if it doesn’t then please sell us all of your bones.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Abandoned Car Likely Belongs To Depressing Man

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An abandoned car was found parked at a strip mall in Ewing, New Jersey early this morning. In a recent press briefing, authorities released details about the car in hopes that the owner can be identified.

“The car is a 2004 beige Toyota Camry,” said lead investigator Sergeant Barnabas Barbat, who assured reporters that he is fully aware of what a nightmare his name is. “We found a lot of crumbs in the driver’s seat but nowhere else, indicating that the driver often ate in his car alone. We also found various wrappers on and around the driver’s seat, all of which were for candy bars.”

Sergeant Barbat went on to identify the various stains found around the driver’s seat.

“There were no sex stains of any kind, which is rare for a car this old. Most of the stains we found were from various sodas. There were no coffee stains, so the driver is likely unemployed, and no alcohol stains, which suggests he’s a pusillanimous adultescent.”

Sergeant Barbat then paused and looked around the briefing room to see if anyone was impressed with his big words. Disappointed, he continued.

“The latch for the trunk was broken so we were able to check inside. We found a mountain of receipts, but all of them were from fast food restaurants and drug stores. Based on the receipts, we can confirm that the driver doesn’t know how to cook, can’t afford prescription medication, and has no hobbies whatsoever. We also found a perfectly untouched guitar, an old video camera, half of a novel manuscript, and various other paraphernalia from dreams that didn’t quite work out.”

The car was found in a parking lot on the corner of Drybeck Road and Prodelin Street, right in front of the closed Blockbuster that hasn’t been torn down yet. Authorities say that if you know someone fitting the above description then you should contact the Ewing police immediately.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Movie Theaters

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Every weekend, Americans flock to the movies to catch a glimpse of their favorite superhero saving the day, two attractive people falling in love, or an anthropomorphic animal learning to believe in itself. Despite the home video industry, the internet, and that one-eyed veteran who sells bootleg DVDs outside the building where I work, movie theaters in America are currently booming. This is due to a number of revolutionary features that can’t be found anywhere except the movies.

One of the big changes that came to theaters across the country a few years ago was the installation of recliner seats. Thousands of movie theaters across the US now allow moviegoers to kick their feet up, lean back, and take a nap in the middle of the movie. Many of these seats also have a vibrating massage feature that you can activate by inserting an amount of quarters equal to $13. Of course the seats come with cup holders, but the movie theater seat cup holders of today are temperature controlled, keeping your drink nice and cool while you laugh at whatever Paul Rudd is doing on the screen. Dozens of Americans in the last five years have gotten frostbite by falling asleep during a movie and accidentally leaving their hand inside one of these refrigerated cup holders, but none have complained.

Concessions have also been revolutionized by the movie theater industry. Most movie theaters now offer literal popcorn tubs that customers can sit in during the movie. Some theaters also offer a “concession trough” that the moviegoer fills with an assortment of open snacks and desserts, and then hooks onto the three seats in front of them so that they have something to shove their face into while the movie is playing. Additionally, the smallest soda sizes are now 44 ounces, and the largest are roughly the size of a three-year-old human. Movie theater companies are also starting to remove their restrictions on opioids, cannabis products, and other types of recreational sedatives to make sure that the average moviegoer’s escape from reality is as fulfilling as possible.

Theaters are also making a push to sell tickets for 3D and IMAX movies, which the home theater industry cannot compete with. Some theaters are experimenting with 4D technology, which allows viewers to watch every scene of the movie at the same time. In order to bring a sense of realism to the movie-going experience, a number of theaters will shine powerful lights into people’s eyes during a film’s bright desert scenes, fill the theater with mosquitoes and other bugs during scenes that take place in a swamp, or flood the theater with the smell of urine for any movie that takes place in Newark, New Jersey.

Whether or not these changes and advances in movie theater technology make going to the movies worthwhile is still a matter of some debate. With each new change comes an increase in ticket prices, long lines, and one more thing for bloggers to complain about. The movie theater industry is still going strong, however, which if nothing else proves that humans will tolerate just about anything.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Theme Restaurant Opens for Parents who Miss their Kids

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A new theme restaurant called “Yungins” has opened up in Illinois designed specifically for parents who miss their children while out on a date away from them. The interior of the restaurant is designed to mirror that of a home with toddlers, complete with paint and crayons smeared on the walls, plastic toys strewn about the establishment, and numerous refrigerators with scribbled drawings of animals and relatives attached with magnets acquired during vacations.

“It just gives you such a homey feeling,” said Beth Wellerman, a stay-at-home mom of three. “We always talk about going out and getting away from the kids but you really start to miss all this cluttered, pointless shit everywhere.”

The restaurant is also fashioned with hidden speakers that constantly play the sounds of children yelling, whining and crying in order to complete the ambiance.

“We want to give parents the feeling that they’re with their children, even when they’re not,” says restaurant owner and founder Melissa Grossman. “Most parents will say that they want a break from their kids, but our restaurant gives those parents an opportunity to face their mistakes head on.”

Yungins’ complete menu consists solely of gourmet chicken tenders, grilled cheese and pizza. Only soda is served and an ice cream sundae for desert is mandatory.

“I’m not at all surprised by how well we’re doing,” continued Melissa. “And it’s such a fun, simple little concept, too. Really the only hard part is keepin’ all the perverts away.”

Yungins also welcomes adults who aren’t parents to stop inside and take a look at the nightmare they can spend the rest of their lives narrowly avoiding.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How to Eat Successfully

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My name is John Francais Callahan. By the time you finish reading this sentence I’ll have made enough money to buy everything you own out from under you. Instead of destroying you, however, I offer my wisdom on becoming a wealthy, successful and powerful man so that I can create more powerful enemies to destroy at a later date.

Today I will be addressing the topic of eating. Most people know how to do it, unless of course they’ve forgotten due to irreparable brain damage from a horse archery accident like the daughter of one of my billionaire coworkers, but few people know how to do it successfully. Eating correctly is a valuable skill to have because most business deals take place either over meals or during illegal yacht parties in international waters where nude models typically serve food anyway.

Here are some things to keep in mind while eating.

 

1. Ordering. First of all, no meal should ever be eaten in your home. A home cooked meal is for children and immigrants who can’t afford takeout. All of your meals should be eaten in restaurants, on airplanes or off of a blond hooker’s body if you happen to be entertaining some Japanese businessmen in your office.

Your waitress, like most serving staff, should be female. This is for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that their bodies are simply built better for carrying things. But there is a passive, subconscious sexual tango between myself and every waitress who serves me, and it starts with ordering.

Start by ordering the most expensive bottle of brown liquor the establishment has. This will impress everyone in your immediate area and it’s what successful men deserve. If you’re in a restaurant that doesn’t serve any brown liquor then let someone else order for you. I’m not going to pretend I know anything about feminine drinks like wine or water, and even though letting someone else order for you could be misconstrued as a sacrifice of power, it’s always inappropriate to lie unless you’re discussing your income with the IRS.

Next you have to order food. Your entrée needs to have meat, and there are only two kinds of meat you’re allowed to eat – beef, or anything you have hunted and killed personally. Often you will be prompted to order a soup or salad with your meal. Never order salad. Vegetables are just food for actual food, at no point should they pass your lips. Additionally, appetizers are only appropriate if at least one other person in your party is also ordering one. It is imperative, however, that you never “split” or “share” an appetizer. Sharing is a sign of weakness and liberalism, and neither of those things have a place at the table.

 

I will continue this next Friday.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #03

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. June 13th, 2066 – Report: 60% of New Jersey Population Now Spray-Tan Grease Monsters

A recent survey of the population of New Jersey shows that 60% of all residents statewide have permanently morphed into toned, gelatinous grease monsters comprised of an unknown compound that forms after spray-tan chemicals, hoagies and creatine become situated in an organic being for too long. The grease beings have reportedly taken up residence along New Jersey’s beaches where they ritually lift weights, give each other tattoos and make big deals out of small disagreements over food and former sexual partners. Mostly the grease monsters just want to be left alone, however some occasionally leave the beaches in search of high paying corporate jobs for which they have no experience.

 

2. January 15th, 2022 – “Deep Fried” Now FDA Approved Food Group

Worldwide controversy erupted yesterday morning after the FDA made “deep fried” an official food group and declared fried foods an “integral and irreplaceable portion of the healthy American diet.” The FDA advises Americans to consume 15-26 servings of fried foods daily, deciding to incorporate the food pyramid as one half of a newly formed “food parallelogram.” The other half of this new shape is simply an equally large triangle labeled “deep fried.” Shockingly, the majority of American diets have remained the same despite the change, the only significant change in American lives was a nationally felt reduction in guilt.

 

3. November 4th, 3477 – Growing Number of Lunar Colonists Believe Humans Never Landed on Earth

A longtime conspiracy theory is finally gaining traction within the Lunar Cities as many Loony’s admit they don’t believe humans ever landed on the Earth. Many of them make the claim that all the photos, videos and broadcasts that allegedly originated from Earth have been doctored and that the entire history of humanity’s existence on the planet was fabricated to help win the Terra Scare between the now broken up Confederate of Orbital Satellites and the New Lunar Republic. These theorists also question why no Lunar City has attempted to get to Earth after the first few missions decades ago and that Scuzz Albright, a member of the first crew that allegedly returned to Earth after it was abandoned, is a puppet of the Vuvalrian brain parasite that attempted to enslave the human species on three separate occasions.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man’s Microwave Breaks, Starves

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Anthony Gremble, a 26-year-old software engineer from Rhode Island, was found dead in his apartment this past Sunday. Anthony had apparently starved to death after his microwave broke and he couldn’t heat up any food.

“He was lying face-down in the kitchen, trying to figure out how fruit works from the looks of it,” said Officer Dave Chapel, the first to arrive on the scene. “Of course we didn’t officially know how it happened until the autopsy but anyone could guess. The time display on the microwave was blank and his freezer was full of uneaten frozen foods. The food was still good so I’ll probably be taking that home with me.”

Like most people his age, Anthony did not know how to prepare food beyond sticking something in the microwave for a few minutes. Anthony’s parents were reportedly charged with Unintentional Manslaughter this morning for never teaching their son how to properly feed himself.

“I just don’t understand how we can be at blame here,” said Anthony’s mother. “The truth is, I never learned to cook myself. We’re a microwave family. Always have been, always will be. I don’t know why my son didn’t just order takeout.”

“The police are looking in the wrong direction,” said Anthony’s father. “A lot of people knew our son relied heavily on his microwave. Anyone could’ve broken into his apartment and sabotaged the machine. You make a lot of enemies in the software engineering business. I just hope the police find whoever actually did this.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.