KILLER ADVICE: What Should I Do With All The Bones That I Keep Finding On My Property?

You’re reading ‘Killer Advice,’ a weekly advice column managed by the staff of Circus Killer News. Killer Advice was recently awarded “Best Advice Ever Given” by 9 out of 10 people who had a knife held to their throat.

 

This week’s question comes to us from Silas Guzman, an electrician from Sable Doux, Wisconsin. He writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,
I recently started digging a hole in my backyard so that I could reach China and get authentic Chinese food right on my own property, but when I got just two feet deep on my first hole, I found a human skeleton. I started digging another hole on another spot on my property, and there was a skeleton in that hole, too. I tried digging a hole to China eight more times, and each time I found a different human skeleton. Now I have thousands of bones, but I have no idea what to do with them. Can you think of anyway that these bones would be useful?”

 

Silas, you hit the jackpot. There are so many uses for bones that it’s actually going to be difficult to fit them all into this post. Most of the problems that average Americans face on a daily basis is not having enough bones, so if you play this right, you could be living like a king for the rest of your life.

Before detailing the many uses for bones, however, we have to caution against doing anything with them without knowing where they came from. It’s entirely possible that your home is built on top of a Native American burial ground, and messing around with those bones could lead to a serious poltergeist infestation. You could also wind up with a haunting if the skeletons belong to anyone who was murdered, especially if they were murdered by a clown. Check to make sure none of the funny bones are missing.

One of the ways you could use these bones, Silas, is by putting them out as Halloween decorations. Even if it weren’t that time of year, it’s always a good idea to have skeletons littering your lawn to scare off trespassers. You could also glue different bones together to create a massive bone monster to prop up on your lawn, which would serve the same purpose.

You could also substitute all those bones in your cooking. Bones are an excellent source of calcium, and if you can grind them up into a fine powder then you can mix them in your drinks and your food. You’ll strengthen your immune system significantly, and if you consume enough human bones then you can actually stop yourself from aging. The only negative side to eating human bones is that you might get psychic visions of the person whose bones you’re eating, which can be very annoying.

The last usage we’ll leave you with is the most obvious one; get those bones surgically implanted into your body. The more bones you have, the healthier and stronger you are. Everyone will be able to see the dozens of extra bones beneath your stretched out skin and they will think you are the mightiest person ever.

We hope this helps, Silas, and if it doesn’t then please sell us all of your bones.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Installation of Aboveground Pool Sadly the Best Reason for Area Family to Invite Neighbors Over

The Stakower family in suburban South Carolina hosted a neighborhood get-together over the weekend in celebration over the installation of their new aboveground pool. Many neighbors showed up purely out of sympathy.

“I guess they did it because two weeks ago my husband and I held a similar party because his company finally got off the ground,” said neighbor Jean Harrow. “And of course Berrigens across the street have already planned and scheduled a backyard party to celebrate their oldest daughter graduating college. It’s both really sad and really heartwarming that the Stakowers are trying so hard.

The pool itself was of course not much to look at. Luke Stakower, the father, clearly knows nothing about pool maintenance. The water was too green and murky to see the bottom of the four-foot deep embarrassment. The only people who swam the entire time were the Stakower kids, who complained to their parents the entire time.

Luke tried to get a barbeque fire going but he couldn’t get the grill to work, causing him to lose his temper and scare everyone there.

“Come on, Luke,” he was heard telling himself, “you can do this. Everything is riding on this and you’re being a fucking moron.”

Many of the guests spent the entire time talking amongst themselves about how the Stakower’s backyard is all dirt and no grass and how weird it was that the only foliage to be seen was one dead bush that still had Christmas lights on it. Despite this, everyone lied to the Stakower’s faces in saying that they all had a lovely time and would definitely want to do this again.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.