KILLER ADVICE: Why Do I Keep Losing Things?

You’re reading Killer Advice, a weekly write-in advice column managed by the staff of Circus Killer News. This column exists because the CKN staff is committed to bettering the lives of its loyal readers, and because helping people in this fashion fulfills a court-ordered community service requirement.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Zabelle Dyson, who lives in Annioux, West Virginia. She writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News:

I’ve developed this problem of losing things all the time. I have trouble finding my phone, my charger, my car keys, my house keys, my car, my house, my 10-inch long vibrating plastic sculpture of a very weirdly shaped building that my boss gave me as a present; pretty much everything I own has been lost at some point. Is there anything I can do to make sure I don’t lose anything anymore?”

 

Zabelle, this is an easy one. Like all problems in life, this one can easily be solved with surgery and magnets. Find a doctor to layer your body with magnets just underneath the skin, and then glue magnets to every object you own. All of your possessions will stick to your body, and you’ll never lose anything again. Honestly, this is such an obvious solution and you should feel really bad for not thinking of it yourself.

Now, everyone who works at Circus Killer News is filthy rich; we don’t know how expensive magnets are because we have our butlers go out and buy all our magnets for us. In case you can’t afford any magnets, here are a few other possibilities.

Hire a private detective to find your missing items for you. Private investigators are usually cheap, and their alcoholism makes them fun to be around. The downside of hiring a private detective, of course, is that everything around them becomes black-and-white, which is a huge negative for any fan of colors.

Another solution would be to train a dog that could retrieve any of your belongings at any time with a simple command. The only problem with the dog option is that you would have to have a dog near you, which nobody enjoys. This option also wouldn’t work if you ever lose the dog, or your voice.

The last solution we can think of would be to attain psychic powers that would allow you to know the location of all objects in the universe at any given time. You can strengthen your psychic abilities by eating kale, sleeping on a bed of crystals, or by consuming the uncooked brains of a psychic you murdered. This is your riskiest option however, since ascending to a higher state of consciousness might cause a detachment to the material world within your being, and you could find yourself no longer wanting any of your possessions anyway. So this wouldn’t solve your problem, so much as it would get rid of the problem altogether.

We hope this helps, Zabelle, but more importantly, we hope you haven’t lost whatever device you use to read Circus Killer News, because that will have made this whole article pointless.

 

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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KILLER ADVICE: How Do I Get Women To Notice Me?

Welcome to Killer Advice, a weekly advice column run by the staff of Circus Killer News, aimed at telling our readers how to live their lives. CKN only hires 10s and is predominantly read by 5s, so chances are Killer Advice is just for you.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Wayne Klochski from South Plains, Ohio. He writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,

I’m having trouble getting girls to notice me. Ever since I was a kid and started noticing girls, I found that I am completely invisible to the opposite sex. I’ve tried tying bells around my neck, but that just makes people think that I’m celebrating Christmas, and that always gets me arrested because celebrating Christmas in public is now a hate crime. I’ve tried leaving dead squirrels on a woman’s doorstep to show her that I’m a provider and that I can protect her, but she just called the police. What exactly am I doing wrong? What can I do to get girls to notice me?”

 

Wayne, this is a common problem amongst insignificant men. The truth is, women don’t notice you because you’re probably not worth noticing. Hit the gym every once in a while. Throw away those glasses. Get a face transplant. There are lots of different options available to you if you’re willing to work for them.

A study conducted by a bunch of nerds found that the first three things women notice about men are their face, their body, and the clothes that they’re wearing. If women aren’t noticing you, then you’re doing something incorrectly with these three things. For example, make sure that you aren’t wearing six different masks when you’re approaching women, and make sure you’re wearing a bright spandex suit that hugs every contour of your body. The number one cause of divorce in the U.S. is that husbands stop showing off their contours after they get married, but women never stop needing to see men’s contours every minute of every day, or else they turn into a skeleton.

Let’s say that you can’t accentuate any of these three things because your face was torn off by a bear, or your body just looks weird, or all your clothes are wizard robes because you’re a wizard. At this point, you need to whip out the big guns. Women love big guns because guns are made out of animal penises, which contain all of the pheromones that they need to survive. Women are also drawn to intelligent men, so you can always try impressing a lady by counting to fifteen in front of her and telling her about all the shapes you know. Women also like receiving compliments, so be sure to tell her that the odors her body produces make you happy, and that you want her body to continue making the happy odors.

Follow these easy steps and no woman will be able to ignore you, but complete any of these steps incorrectly and you could severely injure yourself, so wear a helmet at all times.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Eat Successfully (Part 2)

My name is John Francais Callahan. I’m a member of three of the four secret societies that have already determined who the next five US presidents will be. As part of my lesser accomplishments, I am maintaining an advice column here on Circus Killer News to teach weak men like you the secrets of success.

Last week I began to discuss how to eat successfully, but only got as far as step one: ordering. Right now I will continue with the next step in the successful eating process.

 

2. Conversation. This will likely its own chapter in the “How to Succeed” series so I will not be too detailed with this step. Rather, I will mostly go over which conversational topics are common with certain meals, and which topics you should avoid.

Of the 23 meals every man should eat in a week (breakfast, lunch and dinner every day of the week plus Sunday Brunch and Wednesday Power Brunch), no less than 15 of those meals should be reserved for making business deals. Men have made deals over food since ancient nomadic cavemen traded their rocks, wives and other possessions for larger portions of dinosaur meat. It is in these instances that conversations over food, much like any business deal, are lingual battles of dominance and power the intensity of which rivals that of World War II.

For non-business meals, your conversations should still be lingual battles of dominance and power because that is what all conversations are, only the intensity in these cases can rival one of those lesser wars like Korea or the one against drugs. Make sure everyone in your party knows that you are the head of the table and the conversational leader by frequently interrupting people, changing the subject to an opinion you can defend, and making toasts to congratulate people in a move of ownership and emasculation. All of these things will keep the ball in your court, or rather your field if you happen to be white.

There is a finite amount of approved conversational topics for all three meals throughout the day. Death is a good subject to discuss over breakfast, for example, because reminding yourself and those around you about the fate of the weak is a way to both respectfully commemorate and justifiably condemn the fodder upon which your greatness is built. In fact, “break” is derived from the Latin word “barack” which means “the lesser ones.”

Lunch is generally reserved for more upbeat conversations, such as how well you performed in last weekend’s yacht race or the death of the middle class. Lunch is also a good time to deliver joyous news to be celebrated over dinner, such as announcing your daughter’s arranged engagement to the prominent son of a politician who’s on your payroll or your recent acquisition of the skeleton of the first horse in space.

Lastly there’s dinner, the most important meal of the day. Part of its importance is that any flirtatious activities that occur during supper are 86% more effective due primarily to the way that candles remind women of penises. There should always be women present at dinner, and ideally one woman for every two men because sex only counts when you have taken the woman of an inferior man. With her you should discuss money, cleaning products, Theodore Roosevelt, really anything that will get her in the mood. If she isn’t at least thinking about doing hand stuff to you by the time your entrée of steak and hers of lettuce and ice cubes have arrived, you’ve probably done something wrong.

 

That’s all for this week. I will continue my converage of successful eating next Friday. Until then, be better than what you are now.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Ways to Tell if Your Friend is Straight

It’s likely that someone in your life is a closeted straight man who is too afraid to tell you because he doesn’t want to be judged or mistreated. Some hide their heterosexuality well, and the first step to helping your straight friend come to terms with his sexuality is identifying him. Here are a few qualities that only straight men possess:

 

1. The only place straight men cook is outside.

2. Straight men will often go days without bathing. Check to see if he uses AXE body spray instead of soap.

3. It’s easy to tell if a man is straight by observing his attire. If he wears a polo, thigh-high tube socks or no jewelry aside from a class or championship ring, he’s definitely straight.

4. Straight men don’t like change. The only change they actively participate in has something to do with cars and oil.

5. On average, straight men will only spend about 0.04% of their time with their kids.

6. Straight men only like two kinds of balls – meat and foot. Strike up a conversation to see if these are all things he’s into.

7. Gay men actually can’t go bald.

8. See if he uses words like “golf,” “Home Depot,” or “horse power.”

9. Straight men will never eat finger foods. They only use their fingers for sports, changing channels and wiping crumbs from their mouths while discussing precisely how Obama has ruined the private boating industry.

10. Only the straightest of men love tools, guns and other phallic objects.

11. Remember this rhyme: if he’s overweight, he’s really straight.

12. Clint Eastwood.

13. A lot of men will claim to be straight, but only those who don’t fear homosexuality actually are.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Tips for Flying

Flying is the safest and fastest way to travel,  however it’s also the most stressful.  Getting to your flight and having to deal with the oddities of fellow passengers can be a vexing experience that nobody looks forward to.  If you plan on flying in the future,  refer to these tips for the most relaxing,  stress-free flying experience possible.

 

1. Many believe it is ideal to arrive at the airport 2-3 hours before your flight. This is unnecessary, however, since your flight will probably be delayed by at least 2-3 hours.

2. Airlines no longer serve food so make sure you purchase something in the terminal to eat on the plane. The smell of greasy fast food and $8.00 coffee might agitate your fellow flyers, but that’s their fault for having nostrils.

3. “Stewardess” is no longer a politically correct term and comes across as sexist. The acceptable terms are “air hostess,” “peanut lady,” or “flying beverage wench.”

4. Masturbation does not get you into the “Mile High Club,” it gets you arrested.

5. Turning off your phone is always safer, but leaving it on and texting during take off makes the plane go faster, so you know, whatever.

6. Most flights will let you pay a small fee to watch a film on your headrest monitor, so look forward to that if you’re in one of the three seats on the plane with a working headrest monitor.

7. Make sure to talk to the people sitting next to you to make their flight as bad as yours.

8. Applaud when the plane lands so that everyone knows you’ve never flown before.

9. If you’re a nervous flyer, try periodically screaming in terror as loud as you possibly can in order to calm yourself down.

10. Smoking is not allowed on any aircraft. Cigarettes are fine, though.

11. When you pass through security you will be required to remove your shoes, belt, shirt, hat, pants, socks and anything else you might be wearing, so it’s best to simply arrive at the airport completely nude.

12. Children will annoy everyone so it’s best to check them when you collect your boarding passes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.